When it rains, it pours...literally.

I just gotta say that I am so in awe of how big and caring and amazing our God is. We were huddled in the bathroom in the basement as the sirens went off tonight.  My oldest was having a panic attack and quite frankly scaring her little sisters. So we prayed and prayed and prayed until the sirens quit.

When we got the all clear and went into our bedroom we discovered inches of water on our bedroom floor.  We quickly went through every towel in the house and our mini shop vac was lasting all of 2 minutes before it was full. And our own personal waterfall just kept flowing. I was frustrated and angry and also a little anxiety ridden so I asked a couple of friends to pray.

As they were responding to my message with their prayers and encouragement my parents and another friend showed up with big shop vacs.  Apparently it was no easy task to get her due to all the flooded streets. But here they were, in my bedroom, sucking up our mess.

As they were working on my drenched carpet my oldest noticed more water in the storage room.  I wanted to cry. And then another friend walked through the door with a laundry basket of towels and started mopping up the mess too.

I had already started washing towels and as I went to throw them in the dryer I noticed it didn't sound quite right. I had my dad investigate and guess what? The belt broke on the dryer!  Now I was just mad. And I decided right then and there that Satan wasn't going to win this one.  I wasn't going to cry or scream or throw a pity party. I was going to stand in awe of what God was doing.

My mom and another friend quickly offered to wash and dry our towels and they were whisked away. My dad promised to fix the dryer tomorrow. The water (16 gallons worth) was sucked out of the carpet and fans and dehumidifiers set on high speed.  All the while  friends called and texted and asked how they could help too.

My girls were finally settled down for bed and here I sit, completely humbled and in incredible awe of our God.

I had no idea what God had in mind when I read today's Jesus Calling devotion:

I AM YOUR LORD!Seek Me as a Friend and Lover of your soul, but remember that I am also the Kind of kings-sovereign over all. You can make some plans as you gaze into the day that stretches out before you. But you need to hold those plans tentatively, anticipating that I may have other ideas. The most important thing to determine is what to do right now. Instead of scanning the horizon of your life, looking for things that need to be done, concentrate on the task before you and the One who never leaves your side. Let everything else fade into the background. This will unclutter your mind, allowing Me to occupy more and more of your consciousness.

Trust Me to show you what to do when you have finished what you are doing now. I will guide you step by step as you bend your will to Mine. Thus you stay close to Me on the path of Peace.

God cares when we're scared. And He cares about our messes. And He's big enough to handle a little water (or 4" in the span of 45 minutes).

To the moms...

On Friday my 2nd grader came home with a poem she had written me for Mother's Day at school. Quite honestly I had spaced that Mother's Day was even approaching so it was a fun surprise. Her poem went like this:

My mom is as pretty as a rose

when she is at church.

My mom is as kind as a new born puppy

when she is anywhere.

My mom is as caring as a daisy

when we are unhappy.

My mom is as loud as a lion 

when she is mad.

My mom is as gentle as a good mother

when we have boo-boos.

My mom is as goofy as a magic trick

when she is playing with us.

My mom is as wonderful as a sunset

when she cares for us.

My mom is as helpful as a nurse

when we have cuts.

My mom is as musical as a band

when she sings to my sisters in bed.

I will have memories of you!

After some good-natured chuckling I immediately thought, "Wow. I want to be the mom she's talking about."

It's all too easy to be hard on myself. To think I yell too much (and loudly apparently). Or to to feel too self conscious to sing, dance and act goofy with my kids. Or to compare my looks with the other moms, and when I do that I'll always fall short.  And while I'm comparing I might as well look at all the Pinterest crafts and elaborate outgoings other moms can do handle with such ease. And how clean their houses are, and how nice their cars are, and how they can afford a vacation...And pretty soon I'm feeling like a pretty lousy mom.

But then I realized I was missing the point. I am that mom to her. And I was created to be exactly the mom that my girls need. And you were created to be exactly the mother that your children need.

Our pastor spoke this morning on ways that God reveals himself. God comforts as a mother comforts. (Isaiah 66:13) God remembers.  We remember the things that are important to us, like birthdays and things that our children have said and done. But God remembers the number of hairs on your head! (Isaiah 49:15) God seeks. If we misplace something, like the car keys or our cell phone we turn the house upside down looking for it in the same way God seeks us out.  Our small things matter to him. (Luke 15:8) God protects. As moms we will do anything to protect our kids and will respond to injustice. How much greater of a protector our God is than us mama bears! (Hosea13:8) God longs. He longs to bring us together and create a peaceful community among us just we long to our have our children all together (playing peacefully of course). (Luke 13:34)

We are not perfect moms. But we are perfectly capable of being the loving mothers our children need.  Let's stop comparing ourselves and turning up inadequate. Instead let's celebrate who God made us to be.  We are fearfully and wonderfully made by the Creator of the Universe.

Let's teach our kids about faith and not fear.  Let's separate identity from performance. And let's redefine failure.  Let's spur each other on and build each other up in love.  Let's let our God given talents shine for all to see. 

Happy Mother's Day.

You can view today's sermon here: https://vimeo.com/127409693

Looking for the best in each other...

Last week, while going through my Made to Crave Bible study, I was asked "Who is your Samaritan woman?"  I didn't have to think about it too long. In fact in the five times I've gone through the study, this question has not been a difficult one for me to answer.

The Bible says that the Samaritans were a racially mixed society with Jewish and pagan ancestry. Lysa TerKeurst refers to them as half-breeds.  John 4:17 also reveals to us that this woman has been married five times and the man she is currently living with is not her husband.

When you dig into the Samaritan woman's story we also learn that she is meeting Jesus at the well in heat of the day.  Because of her lowly status and sinful life style she chooses (or is forced) to draw water in the noonday sun to in order to avoid a tongue lashing from her fellow townspeople. So we conclude, that for whatever reason, this woman is someone who is difficult to spend time with.

For me, I think of the Samaritan woman as someone who instead of filling your love tank, drains it completely dry.  Someone who, instead of making you feel good about yourself, makes you doubt yourself. Someone who zaps all your energy after spending time with them. Someone who oozes negativity and gloom and whose life is one drama after another.  You get the picture.

The next question in our study was "Keeping in mind what you know about this person's life, try looking at him or her through a lens of compassion. What do you see? For example, what hurts or hardships might this person have?" Sometime a shift in our perspective is exactly what we need to make a shift in our hearts.

In John 4:35 Jesus tells his disciples to open their eyes to the fields that are ripe for harvest.  These Samaritan women in our lives, they are the fields ripe for harvest.  If we opened our eyes so that we could really "see" them we would probably see someone who is a little lost.  Someone desperately seeking friendship or spiritual growth or that light that shines in you.

The last question in our study regarding the Samaritan woman in our lives was "What one act of kindness might you do for this person this week?". So this person has been in the back of my mind all week.  And as often as I keep shoving this person to the back of mind they keep nudging their way into the forefront.  I keep struggling to come up with ways to be kind and encouraging while keeping my distance.

Then this morning I stumbled across this bit of wisdom in 1 Thessalonians 5 (I love the way the Message says it):

...Overwhelm them with appreciation and love!

Get along among yourselves, each of you doing your part.

Our counsel is that you warn the freeloaders to get a move on.

Gently encourage the stragglers, and reach out for the exhausted, 

pulling them to their feet. Be patient with each person, attentive to 

individual needs. And be careful that when you get on each other's

nerves you don't snap at each other. Look for the best in each other, 

and always do your best to bring it out.

Look for the best in each other...and always do your best to bring it out. What can you do this week to bring out the best in your Samaritan woman?

An hour of prayer as a family...

Last week our church offered a unique opportunity to the congregation. They called it a week of prayer. Basically you committed to an hour time slot where you would go to the church building and pray. There were different stations and prompts to guide you in your prayers and someone was there praying around the clock for a week straight.  We did the same thing last year and it was a powerful experience so I was excited to sign my husband and myself up.

Yesterday at 1:00 in the afternoon was our time only due to a miscommunication we didn't have a sitter for our girls.  So my husband says "Let's go pray as a family." "Are you crazy?" and "That's never going to work." were a couple of my responses.  But selfishly I wanted to go and I didn't want to ask my husband not to go and there weren't a lot of other options so we loaded this girls up in the car.  Let me remind you that my girls are 7, 3 and 2 years old. I grumbled all the way to church and as we waited in the car for the person before us to come out and let us in my 7 year old reminded us of how much she did not want to be there. "This is going to be soooo boring. I can't pray for an hour!" I was pretty sure she was right and that this was going go very badly.

I paraded the girls into church with a heavy heart and a bad attitude. We hung our coats and entered the prayer room and my breath was taken away.  The room was set up into stations and it was just beyond what I could imagine. At the first station there was music playing.  We were prompted to sing along and worship. It also talked about all the names of God. Prince of Peace, King of Kings, El Roi, Jehovah, Emmanuel, I Am....I could go on and on. We were prompted to write the one that held meaning for us onto a small chalkboard set on an easel, only it was full so the words had been extended onto the wall. The wall was full from top to bottom, left to right, it was absolutely breathtaking.  And well, David Crowder was playing so my girls were okay hanging out at the station and singing along.

The next station was confession. I sat down with my oldest and asked her if she knew what confession meant.  She wasn't sure so I explained it as doing something you know you shouldn't be doing or sinning and then telling it to God and apologizing. She immediately started to cry. She confessed her sin to me and then together we wrote it on slip of paper with a special pen and nailed it to a cross.  Then there was a heat gun we used to blow over the words making them disappear.  I was able to tell her that that is what Jesus does for us when we confess our sin.  He wipes it away and makes us clean again.  It was a powerful visual to share with her.

Next was our identity in Christ. My girls loved this station because it was an area full of mirrors that had words written on them of who God says we are. Free, forgiven, loved, valued, strong, righteous....again I could go on and on.  We had each of them take turns sitting in front of the mirrors as we told them who God says they are.  We explained to them that they are God's girls; they were just entrusted to us for a short time here. 

Then came prayers for the workers of our church, our community and the churches in our area.  We let each of our girls draw a name from the fish bowl of someone who works or volunteers at our church and had each of them pray for the name on their paper.  Then we found a few of our oldest's friends in the phone book and prayed for them.  Then we prayed over all the churches in our area.

Next we prayed through art. There was a huge canvas and the girls were disappointed that it was so full, but people had been praying for about 160 hours at this point.  They were able to find a little room though.

The next station held a map of the world and people had circled areas and written messages about the areas they had prayed for.  We located some friends of ours in Spain and my sister-in-law in Seattle and circled those areas.  We prayed for their safety and protection. We prayed that God would use them to be salt and light where they are. And then we selfishly prayed that we'd be reunited soon. Our oldest noticed a comment written on the map that regarded us as aliens and I was able to explain to her that this (earth) is not our home.  We belong in heaven which makes us aliens and not from this world. 

The last station was meditation. By the time we got there we had just 10 minutes left of our hour.  We took the time to look around the room and reflect on all the different ways we had prayed. When we got home I was snuggling with my 3 year old who had been (normally) quiet. I asked if she liked going to church to pray and what her favorite part was; she replied with "I liked hanging my coat on the funny hook and I like praying with no words." At first I felt a little defeated by her answer but then I thought about the last part of her answer "I like praying with no words." Maybe she did get something out of it?

The rest of the evening passed pretty typically except that I overheard a lot more prayer happening among our girls.  "Oh, you hurt your finger? I'll pray for it." "Can I pray for your head?" "Will you pray for my arm?" And instead of saying our bedtime prayer together each of them wanted to pray individually.  "Thank you for this day. Thank you for mom and dad. Thank you for cheese..."  

Thank you for an hour of prayer with my family.

When I think of the wisdom and scope of his plan, I fall down on my knees and pray to the Father of all the great family of God—some of them already in heaven and some down here on earth— that out of his glorious, unlimited resources he will give you the mighty inner strengthening of his Holy Spirit. And I pray that Christ will be more and more at home in your hearts, living within you as you trust in him. May your roots go down deep into the soil of God’s marvelous love;  and may you be able to feel and understand, as all God’s children should, how long, how wide, how deep, and how high his love really is; and to experience this love for yourselves, though it is so great that you will never see the end of it or fully know or understand it. And so at last you will be filled up with God himself. Now glory be to God, who by his mighty power at work within us is able to do far more than we would ever dare to ask or even dream of—infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, or hopes. May he be given glory forever and ever through endless ages because of his master plan of salvation for the Church through Jesus Christ.

Ephesians 3:14-21 {TLB}

Forget about it...

I was recently talking with a someone and painful things from the past came up.  They told me "You need to FORGET about it." My immediate thought was "that's impossible."  We don't live in a world with memory erasing devices or serums and as painful as some memories are I don't want to forget them, and here's why: I've seen God use them for His good.

It was almost a year ago I was asked to share my story publicly at church in front of a lot of people. On the outside I was freaking out about this, making myself vulnerable in a room full of mostly strangers, sharing dark things like being raped...divorced...suicidal.  But the thing is God gave me such incredible peace in my mind that I stood up and did it. And then I was asked to share it again and again and again.

Now it would be really easy to park my brain in a spot that dwells on things that have haunted and damaged me. But to park there is to stay in a spot that makes me feel angry, hurt and emotionally empty. Or I can choose to park in a spot of forgiveness and grace.  If I park here than those painful things no longer have power over me; they no longer define me.  Instead I can learn and grow from them.  I can use them as a marker of sorts to see how much God has changed me or to see how far He has carried me.

The amazing thing is in the last year I've seen firsthand what it says in Romans 8:28 "and we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them". I've heard from women all over the world who have stories similar to mine who needed to hear they weren't alone.  And if I had to go through those awful things to so that someone else can hear about grace then it was worth it.

God's plan for us is so much bigger than the little snippets we see. In Isaiah 55:8 God says that His thoughts are not our thoughts and His ways not our ways, but through faith we can trust that He has a plan to use it for good. Even when it hurts.

So let's not forget what has happened in the past but let's trust that sometimes when things are falling apart they may actually be falling into place.

Sticks and stones...

During worship at church this week the pastor asked us to privately confess to God the areas with which we were struggling.  To give up the things that were pinning us down.   As I sat there thinking I couldn't come up with anything.  Now, I'm by no means perfect but what I mean is I didn't have anything huge hanging over me; nothing gnawing at the pit of my stomach. So instead I just thanked Jesus for all the things that are good in my life right now.  But there was this little voice in the back of my head, you know the one that tells you "Yeah, just wait, it's coming."  It sounds a lot like Satan.

Well, it came. It came in someone else's unkind opinion of me and it crushed me. Soon I found I was letting this person's opinion seep into every part of who I thought I was and before I knew it my opinion of myself was undoubtedly worse than their opinion of me.  So I had a decision to make, I could continue to let my thoughts ride this crazy train and fall into a pit of depression and anxiety or I could pull the brake.

I wanted to pull the brake and so I asked for prayer from my husband a few close friends.  Then I dug into the truth.  

"Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you. I've called your name, you're mine.

I'd sell off the whole world to get you back,

trade the creation just for you."

{excerpts taken from Isaiah 43:1-4 MSG}

"I am leaving you well and whole. That's my parting gift to you. Peace. 

I don't leave you the way you are used to be being left - feeling abandoned, bereft. 

So don't be upset. Don't be distraught." 

John 14:27 MSG

"If you find the godless world hating you, remember it got it's start hating me. 

If you lived on the world's terms, the world would love you as one of it's own.

But since I have picked you to live on God's terms 

and no longer on the world's terms,the world is going to hate you."

John 15:18-19 MSG

I find myself internally chanting "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." But that's simply not true. Words do hurt. But they also bring me to a decision to make: will I believe other's opinions of me or will I believe God's opinion of me?

Words may hurt me, but they won't define me. Only God's opinion can do that.

Be Angry...

Does anyone else feel like summer flies by at warp speed? I feel like there just aren't enough hours these days to do all the things I would like to do and I confess I have been slacking on spending time in the word and reading my devotional (and obviously my blog writing has suffered as well).  That's why I'm still reading through Lysa TerKeurst's Unglued.  It's a 60 day devotional that I've been working on for six months now.  I made some remark as to how pathetic I was for it to have taken me so long to my husband and he graciously reminded me that the Lord was giving me what I need to hear, when I need to hear it.  My husband was of course right, and I love him for reminding me.

So this morning I got settled with my coffee, dusted off my devotional, pen poised over my journal ready for whatever God had to share with me today.The verse immediately grabbed my attention: Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity. Ephesians 4:26-27

Did the Bible really just say be angry? I've heard the "do not let the sun go down on your anger" quoted hundreds of times, but I never really caught the first part.  I think so often we try to repress our emotions, unless of course they convey joy or happiness.  But God created us with a whole slew of emotions, all of which are okay.  However, we have to keep this "be angry" in context with the rest of the verse; God says "and yet do not sin". The feeling is okay, its the acting (or reacting) on the feeling that we need to keep in check.

As I read further Lysa TerKeurst describes a scene where the pizza delivery guy shows up to her home with only half of her order.  Now let me pause right there and point out to all the women who have joined me in going through Made to Crave, Lysa TerKeurst just admitted to ordering pizza.  And I doubt it was some magic zero carb, zero calorie pizza.  But I also doubt it's a weekly occurrence in her house; everything in moderation.

Moving on, so the pizza guy shows up with half of her order, apologizes and offers to be back in 20 minutes with the other half of her order.  She could have gotten mad and demanded a discount or coupons but instead she offered him grace and told him that was okay.  Her husband made the remark that he wished he could receive that kind of grace as well.  Ouch.

She went on to say how it's all to easy to give grace to someone who is a stranger, someone who our feelings are completely neutral towards.  And yet when it comes to those closest to us we spew on them.  TerKeurst describes it as having "accumulated aggravations" which lead to having "accumulated impact".

When we are close to someone and spend significant time with them it's easy to collect little annoyances.  And sure one little comment or disappointment or hurt doesn't seem such a big deal at the time but if we hang on to them  they accumulate and we eventually become angry.  While feeling angry and even hurt or disappointed is okay, we need to be so careful to not act on our anger or to spew or come unglued. Why?

Verse 27 "and do not give the devil an opportunity." Satan would love nothing better than to see you let the sun go down on your anger.  To see you explode all over the people you love.  Because then he wins.

Last night a group of ladies and I were going through our Made to Crave study when this question came up: "Is there someone in your life that for whatever reason you find it difficult to spend time with?"  We all have them but it's a convicting question.  It went on further to ask, "What if we looked at this person through a lens of compassion? What hurts or hardships does this person have?" And then the dreaded "What act of kindness could you do for this person this week?"

Often times the people that immediately come to mind when these questions are asked are people who have hurt us and make us angry.  People who we'd be perfectly content to let the sun go down on our anger for.  But instead of giving Satan an opportunity what if stopped collecting aggravations and  instead offered up grace like Lysa did for the pizza delivery guy.

Father God,
Thank you for the love and grace you lavishly give us.  Help us to live lives full of grace and show love to those closest to us as well as to those who we find difficult.  Help us to let go of the things that hurt us, disappoint us and make us angry.  We don't want to give Satan any opportunity.
In Jesus holy and precious name,
Amen.

We do loud really well...

Have you seen one of these signs? Chances are you have, they seem to be everywhere.  I've always wanted one for my house but still haven't found the "perfect" one (and DIY scares me, what if I spend all that time on it and hate it?).

I especially like the "we do loud really well" because at my house we do.  We've got three girls under the age of 7 and sometimes I'm pretty sure ear plugs should be required before entering our home.  I've come to love 8:15 pm. It's about the time that quiet happens.

My husband and I experienced real quiet when our youngest spent some time in the NICU after she was born.  The room she was in had four babies, one or two nurses and various family members huddled around their babies layette.  Each room was equipped with a sign that read volume and when things got a little louder than the constant beeping of the various machines it would flash angrily at you demanding quiet. I remember spending the day enveloped in the quiet there and then coming home and being shocked at how loud we could be. That sign would be going off like a strobe light around here.

I've come to crave the quiet. So much so that I started getting up an hour or two before my girls just to enjoy the quiet.  I went to school one day with my husband and he was almost giddy to show me the library.  Not only because I LOVE books; reading them and smelling them and I kind of think it would be super fun to be a librarian...but because the library on campus has "quiet zones" where it's so quiet you can hear yourself breath.  He said the look on my face was priceless and I'm sure it was...the library is a wonderful place.

I also love the quiet because when I can tune out the noise of the world then I can hear God whispering to me.  Whispering His promises for me or how He wants me to pray; pointing out traps and blessings in my path. Reminding me of His plan for me.

I'm a planner.  I like to know how things are going to go today, tomorrow and six months from now.  Right now my husband and I are in a situation of unknowns on what the future will bring.  It makes me anxious and frustrated.  Today God reminded me to not get so caught up in making plans and filling our calendar that I miss out on the blessings of His plan.  He told me He has plans for me today. He asked me to let go of unrealistic expectations (like knowing what the future holds) and to savor some happy moments today. And for the future He told me that I should check in with Him before making my own plans because our plans might line up or He might have something better.

Last night we had a guest for supper.  There was talking and singing and giggling and our youngest putting her hands over her ears and yelling "It's too loud!".  After our guest left I told my husband that I was worried we'd scared her off with our crazy loud behavior.  My husband reminded me that while our home may be loud, we have a home filled with grace and joy and love and those things are louder than the noise.

Coming Unglued...

My husband went back to school a few months ago along with continuing to work full time. Now I won't lie, as proud of him as I am these have been some trying months. (He agrees with me, so it's okay to share.) I've been trying to keep his schedule with him, because we are a team but the lack of sleep is wearing us both down.  Our girls are starting to act out too.  I think they are tired of hearing "Daddy is already gone to work." "Daddy's at school." "We need to be quiet and leave Daddy alone so he can study."

There's been little chance for "fun", there just isn't time. Date nights started to consist of grocery shopping or scrubbing the floor on hands and knees (but at least we did it together). We find ourselves apologizing often for being short and irritable with each other.  Patience and grace are in short supply.

Then an opportunity presented itself.  Potentially life altering. Potentially exciting and maybe a little scary.  So we prayed. We prayed for a clear path. We prayed for open and shut doors. We prayed for wisdom. We prayed for answers.

But what we got wasn't really an answer. It was an impasse. It was a stalemate.  No clear direction. No open or shut door.  And an incredible feeling of disappointment.

Because God is God and his timing is perfect, it was no coincidence that God would reveal himself to me as I sat down with my Unglued devotional this morning.  I was reading step number five in how to deal with a situation that has the potential to make you come unglued.  And if I'm honest I need every one of these steps right now.

Step one. Inquire of the Lord. Ask Him to help me remember who I am. His. Loved. Accepted. Wanted.  I know that He has a plan for us and even though I have no idea what it is right now, I know it's to prosper us and not harm us.  I know it's to give us a hope and a future. Lord, help us remember who You made us to be.

Step two.  Focus on the Lord.  One very hard day I texted a friend. It went something like this "My kids are crazy and my husband came home sick and I want to scream." She told me to tell Jesus "Jesus, it's just you and me tonight. I may not have it in me but You have enough for both of us."  I said that over and over and over that night until all was quiet in the house. Lord, help us remember it's just us and You and You are enough for all of us.

Step three. Be obedient to God's word. Our job is obedience. God's job is results. I can't do it on my own. I was never meant too.  Lord, help us to cease striving and to remain in Your will. Help us to wait patiently while you produce results. And Lord, remind us that even when we are faithless, You are always faithful.

Step four. Practice gratitude.  Lord, help me to stop looking at everything that is wrong and at everything I think I want and I can't have. Lord, I want to praise you for all that is right! Help me to have a thankful heart each and every day.

Step five. My reactions determine my reach.  After our youngest was born early and rushed away to a NICU an hour away I sat alone in the maternity ward, with no baby, wondering what I did wrong. How could I have prevented this? My doctor came in and gave me this little nugget of wisdom I'll never forget.  She told me she didn't know why Mia had come early and it was certainly nothing I did or didn't do. And maybe there wasn't some lesson or message to learn from it, but maybe it was the way we handled the situation that would affect someone else and God would use it to touch their life. Lord, remind me of the influence I have on others.  I may not be leading a kingdom or in a position of authority but we do make an impact on those we come in contact with every day.

Maybe you are at an impasse in your life or facing a tough time.  I pray that I can encourage you that you are not alone.  We're there too.  But more importantly, so is Jesus and He's got this!

I wish Satan would take a Sunday off...

Scenario one: We're sitting around the table enjoying a leisurely breakfast. My husband and I are sipping our coffee.  Our girls are laughing.  We all get dressed and ready to go without incident and head to church.

Reality: Sunday is inevitably the one day when my children will sleep in.  We will hit the floor in a sprint.  We'll eat breakfast around the island in the kitchen.  The girls arguing and carrying on, my husband and I guzzling the coffee. The five of us will crowd into our tiny bathroom; Dana brushing teeth while I do the hair.  We'll argue over outfits and wrestle little girls into tights. There will be yelling, snapping and sometimes tears. And just when I've broken a sweat I'll have 5 minutes to get myself ready.  We'll hustle out the door and load the crew in the van.  And as we drive to church I'll feel angry and defeated and wonder how this happened again!!??!

Maybe I need to lower my expectations. Maybe I need a better plan.

This morning started like scenario one.  My oldest had had a friend sleep over and while they all slept in we had already planned to go to a later service than usual.  We had all the time in the world this morning.  Breakfast went off without a hitch even if we all did congregate around our tiny kitchen island.  Then my husband got a call to run up to church and fix some thing or another that was needed to record the church service.  

While he was gone (literally about ten minutes) I decided I would tackle cleaning up the kitchen which looked like a bomb had hit it.  At the same time my 2 1/2 year old was in the bathroom playing with water, my youngest had decided to climb on top of the dinning room table and my oldest and her friend were "bored".  It was enough to send what seemed like a scenario number one morning into reality in the blink of an eye.

I texted my husband "I wish Satan would take a Sunday off!!!!"

My husband replied with "It's his best day."

Keep awake! Watch at all times. The devil is working against you.

He is walking around like a hungry lion with his mouth open.

He is looking for someone to eat.

Stand against him and be strong in your faith.

Remember, other Christians over all the world are suffering the same as you are.

1 Peter 5:8-9

I wanted Satan out of here in a big way so I told him to scram and cranked up the worship music.  My husband and I each grabbed a toddler and started dancing.  Just then my oldest and her friend came down the stairs.  We got some funny looks, perhaps they are too cool to hoedown on a Sunday morning.  After our spontaneous worship session we realized we had 45 minutes to get six people ready and to church.  But God met us in our living room this morning.  He covered us in peace and I swear he must have stopped the clock for a bit because we even arrived to church early. And relaxed and happy.

The man who does not give up when the tests come is happy.

After the test is over, he will receive the crown of life.

God has promised this to those who love Him.

James 1:12

So I just encourage you today, know that you are not alone in your suffering and tests! Whether its safe guarding your Sunday mornings or safe guarding your marriage.  Maybe evil descends on your house at 5 pm (it does at mine) or maybe the evil is threatening to over take your thoughts.  You are not alone! And don't give up! You were meant to overcome, not to be overcome.  You were meant to be happy and you are destined for the crown of life.

The grass is always greener...

Most of my life I've suffered from poor self esteem.  Looking back I think it was in large part due to my own self sabotage and destructive thinking.  I wasn't bullied or made fun of, in fact I was pretty good at blending in to the background.  I was constantly comparing myself to everyone around me and wanting whatever they had. My curly hair was never in style, I was always heavier than every other girl and my clothes always came from the wrong store. You know, how the grass is always greener...

My self worth was always based on whatever everyone else had and what everyone was doing.  I was always striving for the status that I gave everyone else and I was always falling short. And that is a miserable, lonely and dangerous place to be.

One day my oldest came home from school overflowing with excitement about the new friend she had made.  The next day as I was dropping her off and the new friend's mom introduced herself.  The new friend was just as excited about having met Eva.  We chatted a bit and exchanged numbers.  I went home so intimidated.

This mom was gorgeous, with the perfect hair and the cute clothes and the nice car. A week or two passed and we set up a play date for the girls.  I won't lie when I say I had a full blown panic attack before said play date. Crying in my closet over what to wear.  Stressed that what I had would never come close to what she surely did.  As I drove in the driveway that day I learned she had a spectacular house too. I was crushed.

Yet as I got to know her I realized that she was humble, kind and gracious. She was shy and had insecurities just like me.  She was just trying to figure out life, just like me.

It was as I was going through the Made to Crave Bible study that I really started to learn who I was as compared to who I thought I was.  I am not a failure or a hypocrite or a loser. I am a lavishly loved child of God, wholly and dearly loved, and set apart for a mighty plan.  I am accepted. I am cherished. I am free.

We compare, we assume, we assess, 

we measure, and most times walk away

shaking our head at how woefully short

our "me" falls when compared to everyone else.

How dangerous it is to hold up the intimate 

knowledge of our imperfections against the

outside packaging of others.

~Lysa TerKeurst

Why do we emotionally abuse ourselves and think it's okay? Why do we call ourselves names we would never allow someone else to call us? Why do we diminish who God has created us to be?

Dear sweet sister,

I may not have seen your journey or know your story, but I thank the Lord for you. You are a lavishly loved child of God and that makes us sisters.  Because you are my sister I know that you are beautiful, precious and unique. You are worthy of love and affection.  You were hand crafted by the creator of the universe and your worth surpasses all earthly treasures.

There will be times when you will feel like a failure; times when it may be hard to remember you are cherished and loved. But I pray, sweet sister that you will never forget that you were worth dying for; that you are a daughter of the living King.  You were chosen and you are adored.

God has a marvelous and perfect plan for your life and a future full of hope.  Every good gift you receive comes from His hand. Your father in heaven rejoices over you with singing. He is your biggest fan and greatest encourager.  He wants to comfort you in your troubles and heal your brokenness. And He loves you with an undying, always and forever, never giving up, never ending love and nothing will ever separate you from that love.

So take God's hand and embrace the journey sister!

HIS plan...

I love my children....but, sometimes I just wish I could be selfish.  As a mom it is easy to get wrapped up in all your children's needs and activities and if you're not paying attention you can completely lose yourself.  This morning I was faced with the decision to be a responsible mom, focusing on what was best for her child or to be selfish and do what I wanted to do.  I chose to be responsible but was feeling a bit bitter about the decision, especially since the "selfish" option was going to church.

Let me back up a bit.  I haven't been able to sit in church and hear a sermon in over a month now due to my children's illnesses and activities.  I know there are alternatives, listening online or spending my own quiet time with the Lord and my bible but I've been missing worship and missing being spiritually fed in church.

Yesterday I had the privilege of speaking to a group of women at a church event.  While the experience was thrilling and terrifying all at the same time it only made me crave being able to get back to church all the more.  Then I came home, back to reality.  My youngest two both fighting something, one teething the other struggling with fluid in her ears.  Not quite sick but not quiet well but both cranky.

So my husband and I weighed our options.  He had to be at church as it was his week to work in the booth and record the service for the website and television.  The timing of one of us going to one service and the other going to another never seems to quite work out so Grandma to the rescue.  She agreed to watch my kids so that my husband and I could go together.  I was so excited! About going to church!

Then bed time came and this whole "spring ahead" daylight saving time business.  My kids are typically really good at going to bed, but not last night.  And my kids are typically pretty happy in the morning, but not this morning.  As my youngest was throwing herself on the floor, throwing about her tenth tantrum I knew I had a decision to make.  Be responsible and put this poor girl out of her misery and down for a nap or be selfish by taking her to grandmas and suffering the consequences later.

To bed she went.  My husband headed off to church.  Grandma picked up my non-sleeping girls and I was left with quiet and another decision to make.  I could pout that I didn't get my way.  I could throw myself a little pity party and think about unfair it all is. Or I could let God speak to me.

I turned on some worship music.  I started with a little Crowder (obvious choice for those of you that know me).

There's no space that his love can't reach

There's no space that we can't find peace

There's no end to Amazing Grace

Then I opened up my email and looked at my verse of the day.

So don't be embarrassed to speak for our Master or for me, his prisoner. Take your share of suffering for the Message along with the rest of us. We can only keep going, after all, by the power of God, who first saved us and then called us to his holy work. We had nothing to do with it. It was all HIS idea, a gift prepared for us in Jesus long before we knew anything about it. But we know it now. Since the appearance of our Savior, nothing could be plainer: death defeated, life vindicated in a steady blaze of light all through the work of Jesus. 2 Timothy 1:8-10 (MSG)

This was HIS plan since the beginning of time. That today, March 9th, 2014 I would wind up sitting in the quiet listening to God speak to my heart. Telling me that there is no place that his love can't reach and no space where I can't find peace and that there is certainly no end to His Amazing Grace.  It was HIS plan  to show us His grace through Jesus Christ.  And because he has vindicated and illuminated my life I should share the good news.  It was HIS plan even if it wasn't mine when I got up this morning.

An hour of prayer...

The church we belong to is holding a week of prayer.  They encouraged people to come to the church and pray for one hour, 24 hours a day for the entire week. I was skeptical at first when I heard about it. Could I pray for an hour? Why would I have to come to church to pray, can't I pray at home? Who is really going to go to church in the middle of the night to pray?

My husband and I talked about it and decided we would sign up for an hour and go there and pray together.  When I arrived to sign up the time slots where nearly full, even those in the middle of the night.  We picked 9 pm on Wednesday night and our sweet neighbor agreed to come sit at our house with our sleeping children.

On Monday and Tuesday I heard all these incredible things about other peoples prayer times.  They gushed about how God met them there and that an hour wasn't nearly long enough.  They oozed radiance as they talked about it, even if I couldn't see them in person.  What if I didn't have that kind of experience? What if I went and missed the point all together?

We arrived for our time slot and relieved the people that had been praying before us.  They were glowing, beaming really.  I was really anxious to get started and see what this was going to be all about.  We followed the guide around to different stations in the room.

At the first station we simply praised.  There was music playing and scripture to help you along.  There was an art station set up for those that like to praise that way. The next station was confession complete with note cards where you could write out your confession and then place them in the paper shredder.  There was a station in which we prayed over our church staff and leadership.  Then a station where we prayed for our community and one where we played for the world and the missionaries we sponsor.

As we followed along our prayers became more intense and I regretted the skepticism I had had about praying like this.  At the last station we were to meditate on Psalm 23 and 24 and listen to what God told us.  My husband and I took turns reading them out loud and then waited.  And God met us there.

He reminded me, in light of my post yesterday: Big Scary Dreams, that he has blessed us abundantly.  That I need for nothing. He told me I did not need to be afraid because He was walking by my side. Before we knew our hour and then some was up but it was hard to leave and when we stepped outside into the dark cold night I'm pretty sure we were glowing.

We really should have went to bed when we came home with our new early morning routine and all, but Dana had some homework to finish and my mind was so full that I really didn't think I could fall asleep.  Pretty soon it was midnight and we were just crawling into bed.

At one o'clock our 2 1/2 year old woke up.  She was complaining of ear pain and running a fever.  She shares a room with our 1 year old and even though the sleep 5 feet apart they usually can sleep through the other one's cries, but not this morning. They went back and forth with the crying while we got Tylenol and teething tablets, drinks of water, diaper changes.  We took turns separating them and trying to have them lay with us in our bed.

I seem to lose every last ounce of patience as a mom in the middle of the night.  My husband on the hand is the opposite. So patient and loving and kind. So I lay there listening to one of them cry with the other in bed with me, racked with guilt because he needed to be sleeping with these long days he's putting in.  So I took the crying child, our youngest, upstairs and told my husband to get some sleep. She's been eating us out of house and home lately so I thought maybe it was hunger pains and she needed a snack.

So that is how I found myself sobbing over Cheerios at 2 am.  My husband came up and hugged me and then he said "Of course Satan would attack us tonight."  I thought "well, yeah, since we decided to stay up until midnight." Then it hit me.  It was because we had been diligently praying, because we had been seeking God and filled with the Spirit. I was mad then and I renounced Satan and told him to get lost. It was sometime around 2:30 that everyone fell into a deep sleep and it was not easy to get up with my husband when the alarm went off at 5.  But if he was willing to do it, so was I.  We are after all, a team.

And now I sit here drinking coffee and reflecting and praising God for last night.

God, my Shepard! I don't need a thing.

You have bedded me down in lush meadows,

You find me quiet pools to drink from.

True to your word, You let me catch my breath

and send me in the right direction.

Even when the way goes through Death Valley,

I'm not afraid when You walk at my side.

Your trusty shepherd's crook makes me feel secure.

You serve me a six-course dinner right in front of my enemies.

You revive my drooping head; my cup brims with blessing.

Your beauty and love chase me every day of my life.

I'm back home in the house of God for the rest of my life.

God claims earth and everything in it, God claims the World and all who

live on it. He built it on ocean foundations, laid it out on river girders.

Who can climb Mount God? Who can scale the holy north face?

Only the clean-handed, only the pure-hearted;

men who won't cheat, women who won't seduce.

God is at their side; with God's help they make it.

This, Jacob, is what happens to God-seekers, God-questers.

Wake up, you sleepyhead city! Wake up you sleepyhead people!

King-Glory is ready to enter.

Who is the King-Glory? God, armed and battle-ready.

Wake up you sleepyhead city! Wake up, you sleepyhead people! 

King-Glory is ready to enter.

Who is the King-Glory? God-of-the-Angel-Armies: He is King-Glory.

Psalm 23 & 24

Big scary dreams...

When my husband asked me if I thought he could go back to school I immediately became his biggest cheerleader.   I knew it would be challenging to have him working full time and going to school part time with three kids under 6.  I knew there were areas I would have to "pick up the slack". But I never second guessed our decision for him to go back and God made it pretty clear that this was the path we were to take.

So I was baffled when I found myself sitting on the couch this afternoon crying.  It was his third day of school, the third day of our new "normal" and I found myself thinking "how am I going to do this for the next four years?!?"

It all started this morning when our 2 1/2 year old woke up and excitedly said "Daddy make pancakes!" I tried to explain that daddy had went to work hours ago and well, mommy is no good at pancakes.  She settled for a bowl of mini wheats, something mommy is good at.  I got to thinking about Saturdays which is always our pancake morning except he won't be here now, he'll have to be at work Saturday mornings. When I mentioned it to him he said he would teach me to make pancakes...but I have my doubts.  I'm not such a good student in the kitchen.

This led me to thinking about all the other changes. If you know me, you know that I am not a morning person.  However, I decided I really like having a hot breakfast with my husband (and honestly if it weren't for him making it I'd be eating mini wheats too).  I also thought if I had any hope of having some quiet "me" time I should try to get it in first thing in the morning.  So I've been getting up at a 5 am with him.  Last night I tried to stay up while he did homework but apparently I fell asleep sitting on the couch with my kindle still in my hand.

I knew last night he wanted to get a jump on his homework so I attempted to corral and settle the girls before bed. I'm also on my own in the mornings now, getting them all ready for the day.  Pretty soon I was feeling really overwhelmed and really tired. I felt blindsided by all the changes that were happening.  Why hadn't I thought this through? I'm a planner after all.

If I had thought it through, would I have told him not to go?

Then the tears came. I knew I had to tell him how I was feeling but I felt like I wasn't being supportive if I did.  I knew I was building things up in my head and making it seem more daunting that it needed to be.  I knew I just needed some time to get in my groove and establish a new routine.  I felt guilty that I had been taking for granted how much he helped me with the kids and around the house.

He stopped by home for a quick lunch between work and heading off to school.  I really tried to keep it all in check while he was here but he knows me so well.  As he was getting ready to walk out the door he said "Are you okay?" And I started to cry again.  He looked so torn but I knew he had to go to school. He hugged me and called me a few minutes later from the road.

I caved and told him everything I was feeling.  Unsupportive, guilty and ashamed.  He reminded me that we are a team and a really good one.  Things are going to change.  The next few years will be bumpy and challenging but we're in it together.

Once again I feel like God's making me move out of my comfort zone and pushing me to trust His plan for us.  I heard someone once say "If your dreams don't scare you, then they are not big enough."  Part of me wants to say "Oh, but things were so nice and comfortable the way they were." but I know that's not going to cut it.  Besides, if it's scary, it's usually pretty exciting too, right?

Grace...

I've been mulling over the word grace for the last few days.  Grace is defined as God's unmerited favor.  Basically, being loved when we are unlovable.

One of my favorite lyrics comes from David Crowder's How He Loves, it says 'if His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking'. My husband and I went on a cruise for our honeymoon.  Our day at sea we got up early and perched ourselves on the rail to watch the sun rise out of the ocean.  I remember feeling so small and insignificant.  I also remember my husband telling me how God created that perfect and spectacular sunrise just for us.  Maybe he was just trying to be romantic but we both knew it was true.

Sometimes it's hard to wrap my head around it.  That God loves me as big as the ocean felt that day, stretching out endlessly in every direction.  After all, who am I to deserve this great big love when most days I feel so unlovable?

And that's just it. I don't deserve it and I never will.  There isn't a thing I can do to earn God's favor and yet He keeps lavishing me in His love.  I love how the Message portrays this in Isaiah 43:1-7 (paraphrased):

But now, God's message,

the God who made you in the first place,

the One who got you started:

"Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you.

I've called your name. You're mine.

When you're in over you're head, I'll be there with you.

When you are in rough waters, you will not go down.

When you're between a rock and a hard place-

it won't be a dead end-

because I am God, your personal God,

the Holy of Israel, your Savior.

I paid a huge price for you:

all of Egypt with rich Cush and Seba thrown in!

That's how much you mean to me!

That's how much I love you!

I'd sell off the whole world to get you back,

trade the creation just for you.

So don't be afraid: I'm with you.

I'm round up all your scattered children,

pull them in from the east and the west.

I'll send orders north and south:

'Send them back.

Return my sons from distant lands,

my daughters from faraway places.

I want them back, every last one who bears my name,

every man, woman and child

whom I created for My glory,

yes, personally formed and made each one.'"

We sang a new song at church today. I've got an affinity for songs that can make you feel and this one tied together all the things I was thinking about grace.  It said "your grace abounds in deepest waters, your sovereign hand will be my guide, where feet may fail and fear surrounds me, you've never failed and you won't start now, so I will call upon Your name, and keep my eyes above the waves, when oceans rise, I will rest in your embrace, for I am Yours and You are mine". 

For I am Yours and You are mine...

Revolution...

I've received such a crazy wonderful response from sharing my testimony.  Thank you so much to those of you who prayed and shared your kind words with me.  I'm flattered and humbled.  My story is mine, but the words, Jesus gave them all to me and then gave me the courage to share them.

I gave my testimony twice, once at our Christmas Eve Eve service and again on Christmas Eve.  That first day, last Monday, I was so nervous.  I was practicing reading it to no one and I couldn't even get through it without hyperventilating.  I finally just had to stop practicing and trust that God would take care of it.

I was feeling attacked from every direction that day. I woke up with a terrible headache and a sore throat. My kids were fighting and whinny and clingy and I was so short with them.  I took Eva to a friends house to have two very loose teeth pulled out and she of course handled it in her own dramatic fashion. While I was gone Mia puked all over Dana while he was home for lunch.

I was mad at that point.  I said "Satan, you can mess with me, but leave my kids alone!"  I called upon my own personal prayer warriors and both girls were fine after that.

By the time I got to church my heart was racing and my knees were knocking.  I told myself over and over, "This is not about me, it's all about Jesus."  I missed most of the worship songs and the sermon and then my husband was letting me know it was time to make our way to the front, I think I went in to autopilot.  Before I knew it I was at the microphone reading my prepared testimony.  I even caught myself looking up now and again.  I was thankful that that the spotlight prevented me from really seeing anyone, except one lady sitting in the second row, her smile so friendly and radiating.  Before I knew it we were singing "Silent Night" and it was over.

The response and the hugs I got after was amazing.  My husband and I stayed up late talking and giddy.  The next morning I woke up expecting to be attacked again but I wasn't.  The day was so peaceful, I was so excited to share what Jesus had given me again.  Then I found out that 18 people had chosen to put their faith in Christ from the previous services. I was pumped!  This time I enjoyed the music and the sermon. My heart did still flutter as I headed up front but there were no knocking knees or hyperventilating. Whew!

There aren't even adequate words to describe how wonderful the whole experience was. And that a total of thirty four people chose a life following Jesus was the icing on the cake. Hallelujah!

The next couple of days were spent with family doing the normal Christmas-y things but I couldn't help but feel such a let down. Pretty soon I was weepy at the drop of a hat. I was having trouble sleeping. I fell into my old patterns of negative, self destructive talk in my head.  What was wrong with me? Didn't I just tell a whole lot of people that Jesus had taken that all from me? I was feeling like such a failure.

The windchill was 34 below zero this morning when we loaded up our troop for church.  I was not very excited to be going to church and even less excited about taking our little girls out in the cold.  But my husband, being himself would not relent. (More often than not I am thankful for this later, but not in the moment.)

The sermon was about a New Year's Revolution as opposed to a resolution.  A revolution is a sudden, complete or marked change. Our pastor said that we could choose to focus on our wounds, our hurt, our challenges or we could move forward and choose life. (Deuteronomy 30:19)

Then our pastor challenged me. He asked if we were following the 'natural path' or if we were fixing our eyes on Jesus and following His path? Do I know how God sees me?

And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.
2 Corinthians 3:18

The Lord sees us in all of our potential and who He has created us to be. Perfectly and wonderfully made. And then, in one of my favorite verses of the whole Bible it says "The LORD your God is with you. He is mighty to save.  He will take great delight in you. The quietness of His love will calm you. He will sing with joy because of you." Zephaniah 3:17

Friends, what I need is so much bigger that anything this world can offer me.  What I need is a mighty savior.  One who doesn't see me as a failure, sitting in my pit of negativity, worry and fear.  Instead He sees me as His child and in His image.  He takes delight in me! In me!

On the brink of a revolution, I am claiming this verse for my 2014:

Living water...

I was catching up with a friend yesterday. I told her how I felt like I was on top of a proverbial mountain; how God was bringing such peace and restoration to my life.  How I felt that God was revealing to me a purpose in my life and giving me the words to share with others.  It's an absolutely glorious feeling.

Yet I can't help but feel anxious at the same time, because I've been on the mountain top before and it's usually followed by a trip through the valley.  I feel like I just emerged from the valley, I don't want to go back there!

Then she shared with me this illustration: if I was a serious mountain climber I would never be able to hang out on the mountain top for very long.  The air is thin there and it would be dangerous to stay there too long.  And then she asked me, why do we fight the valley? Valleys are typically very beautiful.

I mulled this over for a while and then I found myself googling "valley".  I came up with a lot words like low, dark, foggy which are intimidating words.  But what I also found is that almost every definition or description of a valley said "often having a river or stream flowing through it".

I immediately recalled the story of Jesus talking to the Samaritan woman at the well. Jesus asks her for a drink and she taken aback because Jews did not associate with Samaritans and Jesus says to her "If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would given you living water." (John 4:10). She asks where to find this living water and Jesus says "Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life." (verses 13 & 14).

I dug a little deeper and found John 7:37-39 Now on the last day, the day of the great feast, Jesus stood and cried out, saying, "If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink. He who believes in Me, as the scripture said, 'From his inmost being will flow rivers of living water.'"  But this he spoke of the Spirit, whom those who believed in Him were to receive; for the Spirit was not yet given because Jesus was not yet glorified.

It's a simple and well known fact that our physical bodies need water to live. But God designed us that we would need water to spiritually live too; living water, the Holy Spirit.  So as marvelous as these mountain tops are I think walking through the valley is what allows us to drink in the living water.

Surprisingly, a trip through the valley doesn't sound as scary, maybe even a little exciting.  Knowing that God will be there guiding my path and restoring my soul...

The Lord is my Shepard, I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures;

He leads me beside quiet waters.

He restores my soul; 

He guides me in the path of righteousness

For His name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley

of the shadow of death, 

I fear no evil,

for You are with me;

Your rod and Your staff,

they comfort me.

Psalm 23:1-4

Move...

A few weeks ago our pastor was preaching a sermon on being fully engaged in worship.  He was delivering a great message and hitting all his points when he got to "if you want be fully engaged in worship you have to move". He whipped out a 100 dollar bill and said it was to go to whoever moved to get it first. It went to some ten-ish year old boy sitting near the front.

I was sitting towards the back that day with two dear friends on one side of me and a young man on the other.  I didn't stand a chance...not that I actually tried.

It was then that God began speaking to me about the young man to my left.  I knew this young man.  In fact we were family who had grown very distant.  In my dark days I had built thick, strong, tall walls guarding myself.  This of course did nothing but bring about tension, unease and general discord which lead to a chasm that seemed far to wide to bridge.

God said to me "You have to make the first move."

I argued with God.  "I don't want to. It will be too hard and too uncomfortable. I don't even know what I'd say. It's been too long. What if he doesn't understand? What if he doesn't care? What if I just make a mess of things (again)?"

God said again "You have to make the first move."

"But God," I said, "I wouldn't know where to start. Lord give me the words to say to explain so he'll understand. So I can make things right again."

The pastor was moving on with the sermon, reading from Psalm 95, the part where it warns against your heart becoming hard.

My stomach in knots, I tried again. "God, why today? I'm too scared.  I can't do this. Tell me what to do. Give me the courage.  I can't do this without you."

Now we were singing and taking offering and I knew the service was quickly coming to an end.  I felt like I was visibly shaking by this point.  The pastor stood up and gave one last call to "move" in our faith.

God said to me "Hug him."

I'm pretty sure I laughed.  "Really? You want me to hug him. He's not going to hear me out let alone accept a hug.  Oh Lord..."

Everyone was standing, ready to head out of the church.  Here goes nothing.  I leaned over to put my arm around the young man in an attempt to do the half hug thing thinking "But God, what am I supposed to say?"

That's when I was enveloped in a bear hug and I started to sob right there on his shoulder.  My walls and all my hesitations just crumbled right on the floor of the sanctuary that day.  We didn't talk long.  I apologized and he reassured me that we were still family and that he loved me and that we'd get through this too.

I was bubbling over with excitement to share the experience with my husband when I got home.  Since then we've gotten together, as family, and started walking down a glorious path of reconciliation.  Thank you Lord, for asking me to move.

Thankful...

Thanksgiving is just a few days away.  The trend of saying something you are thankful for each day is spreading like wildfire on Facebook.  Today at church we had the opportunity to jot something down on a leaf and decorate barren trees.  I love this!

Last year about this time I found members of our family (myself included) entering the holiday season with the "I want" attitude.  I decided this had to be nipped in the bud immediately.  I bought a large piece of tag board and hung it in our dinning room.  Each night we began going around the table and saying something we were thankful for that day and then writing it down.

We made it to Christmas and I thought...

WHAT IF WE WERE THANKFUL ALL YEAR?

So we kept at it.  We're on our third piece of tag board now. We keep them all hung in a place we can see them and it's great to reflect on.  That awesome sunrise...that great run...God's provision...playing with a friend...cheese.  They're all on there.

But what about when it's hard to be thankful?

There are bad days.  Days that even though I have a roof over my head, clothes on my body and food in my belly the last thing I want to do is be thankful.  Days when everything that could go wrong, did.  Days when the kids refuse to nap and instead cry and whine and yell and pout.  Days when I misinterpret what my husband is saying to me.  Days when I'm just mad.  What then?

Then I praise. Let everything that has breath praise the Lord. Praise the Lord. Psalm 150:6

Sometimes its singing.  Sometimes it's finding a quiet moment to sit with God. Sometimes it's reading a bible story to my kids before tucking them in.  Sometimes it's just being thankful that tomorrow is a new day.  The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great in his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. Lamentations 3:22 & 23.