I gave my testimony twice, once at our Christmas Eve Eve service and again on Christmas Eve. That first day, last Monday, I was so nervous. I was practicing reading it to no one and I couldn't even get through it without hyperventilating. I finally just had to stop practicing and trust that God would take care of it.
I was feeling attacked from every direction that day. I woke up with a terrible headache and a sore throat. My kids were fighting and whinny and clingy and I was so short with them. I took Eva to a friends house to have two very loose teeth pulled out and she of course handled it in her own dramatic fashion. While I was gone Mia puked all over Dana while he was home for lunch.
I was mad at that point. I said "Satan, you can mess with me, but leave my kids alone!" I called upon my own personal prayer warriors and both girls were fine after that.
By the time I got to church my heart was racing and my knees were knocking. I told myself over and over, "This is not about me, it's all about Jesus." I missed most of the worship songs and the sermon and then my husband was letting me know it was time to make our way to the front, I think I went in to autopilot. Before I knew it I was at the microphone reading my prepared testimony. I even caught myself looking up now and again. I was thankful that that the spotlight prevented me from really seeing anyone, except one lady sitting in the second row, her smile so friendly and radiating. Before I knew it we were singing "Silent Night" and it was over.
The response and the hugs I got after was amazing. My husband and I stayed up late talking and giddy. The next morning I woke up expecting to be attacked again but I wasn't. The day was so peaceful, I was so excited to share what Jesus had given me again. Then I found out that 18 people had chosen to put their faith in Christ from the previous services. I was pumped! This time I enjoyed the music and the sermon. My heart did still flutter as I headed up front but there were no knocking knees or hyperventilating. Whew!
There aren't even adequate words to describe how wonderful the whole experience was. And that a total of thirty four people chose a life following Jesus was the icing on the cake. Hallelujah!
The next couple of days were spent with family doing the normal Christmas-y things but I couldn't help but feel such a let down. Pretty soon I was weepy at the drop of a hat. I was having trouble sleeping. I fell into my old patterns of negative, self destructive talk in my head. What was wrong with me? Didn't I just tell a whole lot of people that Jesus had taken that all from me? I was feeling like such a failure.
The windchill was 34 below zero this morning when we loaded up our troop for church. I was not very excited to be going to church and even less excited about taking our little girls out in the cold. But my husband, being himself would not relent. (More often than not I am thankful for this later, but not in the moment.)
The sermon was about a New Year's Revolution as opposed to a resolution. A revolution is a sudden, complete or marked change. Our pastor said that we could choose to focus on our wounds, our hurt, our challenges or we could move forward and choose life. (Deuteronomy 30:19)
Then our pastor challenged me. He asked if we were following the 'natural path' or if we were fixing our eyes on Jesus and following His path? Do I know how God sees me?
And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.
2 Corinthians 3:18
The Lord sees us in all of our potential and who He has created us to be. Perfectly and wonderfully made. And then, in one of my favorite verses of the whole Bible it says "The LORD your God is with you. He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you. The quietness of His love will calm you. He will sing with joy because of you." Zephaniah 3:17
Friends, what I need is so much bigger that anything this world can offer me. What I need is a mighty savior. One who doesn't see me as a failure, sitting in my pit of negativity, worry and fear. Instead He sees me as His child and in His image. He takes delight in me! In me!
On the brink of a revolution, I am claiming this verse for my 2014:
No comments:
Post a Comment