"Trust me", He said...

A few weeks ago I received an email asking me if I would consider sharing my testimony at our church's Christmas Eve service. I literally started hyperventilating while reading it and yet, my head was screaming "Yes!".  What?!?

A friend of mine happened to stop by right after I got the email and she said sweetly "We'll just pray about it."  And pray we did.  Even though my body started to panic every time I thought about it my head remained very calm. I took this as God's prompting and agreed.

Every day I prayed God would give me the words he wanted me to share.  And the days flew by and I still had nothing.  I found myself sitting in church last week, trying to watch my 2 year old sing "Away in the Manager" but my heart was racing and my palms were sweating and I was panicking.

I found myself explaining to God that Christmas was just over a week away (like He didn't know or something). I needed the words! I needed them now! And then this peace washed over me and He said "Trust me." and I didn't have any choice but to do just that.

The next day I sat down with my pastor. I thought maybe if I knew what to expect from the service that it would help me to get started.  He went over the order of the service with me and told me what he had planned for the sermon. Then he encouraged me to write it like a blog post and that part was genius.

I sat down that night and the words flowed out of my fingertips and across the keys almost faster than I could type. I realized that I had had to wait for the words until I knew what the sermon was going to be on. I sent it off to my pastor and he helped me clarify a few points and then told he told me it was perfect. I even started to get a little excited about sharing it and how God would use it.

I was laying in bed one night, unable to sleep when I was struck with absolute fear.  I realized some of the things I was going to share in my testimony I hadn't ever really said out loud, except to my husband. I have shared most of it here before but maybe I'm naive enough to think there is a certain anonymity with my blog.  It's so easy to hit "publish", put on my jammies and crawl in to bed.

And then there was the alarm I felt when my husband said we should invite our families.  It's not that I didn't want them there, I do.  It's just that I don't want them to come to hear me. I don't want anyone to come to hear me because it's not about me.  It's all about Jesus.

Then just this morning a sweet friend texted me to say she was praying for me and asking if I was anxious.  I told her that I've been keeping myself distracted with my girls and reciting verses in my head all morning. I also shared, at the risk of sounding superficial, that I was most worried about having to "get ready".  I still don't know what I'm going to wear, or do with my hair or how I'll cover my face.  This is always when Satan attacks me, when I'm trying to make myself "presentable".

And she responded with "In Matthew when he talks about worry he specifically says "don't worry about what you will wear"...I know this is really a metaphor, but it's not worth our time. Pray instead that no matter how you look people see the Holy Spirit in you. How beautiful is that to look at?!"

I realized that this had been my prayer all along. That God would receive the glory. That I could be His vessel to share His message. And so here it is:

It’s been nearly 20 years since I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I had seen councilors, taken various prescription medications and gone through an outpatient treatment program to learn coping skills. Most of the time I just felt numb.

About 10 years ago I was driving along a stretch of highway 22 between here and Hutchinson crying my eyes out.  I was tired of going through my days in a fog, feeling sad and lonely and broken.  I didn’t know where else to turn. I had lost hope.  I pulled my car over and in desperation cried out for Jesus to enter my heart and to fix me.

I was naive enough to think I would feel some miraculous healing, but I didn’t.  I did however start going back to church. I had grown up going to church sometimes and to Sunday school most of the time.  I knew all the Bible stories and had memorized verses but after I was confirmed there just didn’t seem to be a lot of reason for me to keep going to church.

 I met my husband at church.  He accepted me and all my imperfection and has shown me every day what unconditional love looks like.  It felt like walking out of a dark forest and feeling the sunshine on your face.  I thought I had found a cure in my faith.

Somewhere after the birth of our first daughter, Eva the joy started to slip away. I started to close in on myself. Even though I had Jesus in my life now, a doting husband and a precious baby, it wasn't enough. We struggled financially. We had a miscarriage and then had our daughters Lorelei and Amelia 14 months apart.

There were so many highs and lows I couldn't keep up and somewhere along the way I lost myself in the gloom.  Last winter I found myself admitting to my husband that I was having thoughts of taking my life. Even though I firmly believed I wouldn't act on them it scared me that they were there, inside my head. So I made a choice.

I chose to once again to cry out to Jesus, not to fix me this time, but to lead me. First He led me to a bible study called Made to Crave.  It changed not only the way I thought about food but the way I looked at myself.  It made me rediscover who I was as God’s child. Loved, accepted and wanted.

Then He led me to take a long hard look at my family.  My relationship with Dana was not what it should be so I chose to focus on showing him love, everyday. The depth of our love now has grown immensely. Most days my kids left me feeling tired and drained so I decided to seek joy in everyday things and to give thanks at the end of each day.  Now it’s hard not to look at my kids in complete awe.

I sought out God’s promises for me and I surrounded myself with them and then ever so slowly the negativity stopped ruling my days.  God began restoring my passion and my hope.  He began healing broken relationships in my life. He lifted the fog from my eyes and He filled me with joy. 

I once was lost but now I am found.

If you would like to join us in worship of our King at Cornerstone, services are at 7 pm tonight and 3:30 pm and 5:00 pm tomorrow (Christmas Eve).  *The 3:30 pm service will be directed towards families with young children.*