My joy is in her...

I had a few minutes of quiet this morning so I decided to open up my bible.  I'm not sure what prompted me to turn to Isaiah but there's where I went. So I was drinking my coffee and reading along when this verse made me stop in my tracks.

As a young man marries a young woman,

so will your Builder marry you;

as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride,

so will God rejoice over you.

Isaiah 62:5

It immediately brought these pictures to mind. The moment when Dana and I first saw each other before we were married.

As I was recalling our wedding day I remembered nothing had gone right that morning. My hairdresser was late and hungover. I couldn't find my shoes. And just before I was headed out to see my groom the zipper broke on my dress and I had to be sewn in. 

But even with all the mishaps of the morning I wasn't the least bit anxious or nervous. I was busting at the seams (or zippers apparently) with excitement and joy!  I couldn't wait to get out there, to where my groom was waiting for me. I was delighted to be his bride and couldn't wait for our life together to begin. 

I asked my husband for his take on that day and he said "I wasn't anxious, I was excitedly waiting and praying for our marriage, that it would be one that honored God. I was full of joy when I finally saw you. I was excited for a new beginning, standing next to my best friend." {He still makes me swoon.}

So I was recalling all of this extreme joy and excitement as I read the verse again.

As a young man marries a young woman,

so will your Builder marry you;

as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride,

so will God rejoice over you.

Isaiah 62:5

And it hit me that those feelings I had that day, the moments of zipper busting bliss, are how God feels about me. He wants to be our bridegroom and He rejoices over us.  

And then I had to back up a little to Isaiah 62:4

You will no longer be called "Left Alone."

Your land will no longer be called "Forgotten."

But you will be called "My joy is in her,"

and your land "Married."

For the Lord finds joy in you,

and to Him your land will be married.

The note in my bible says: How can land be Married? This is figurative. Since marriage was considered a blessing, this was a picture of God's blessings on his people who lived in the land.

When I married my husband I was no longer alone. We were one; a team.  And God tells me the same with Him. I am not alone or forgotten. He gave me a new name, "My joy is in her." And friends, this is your name too. Whatever the mishaps, troubles or difficulties you have going on in your life, you are not alone. You are not forgotten. He is blessing you. Your bridegroom finds great joy and rejoices over you. You, my friend, are His.

We do loud really well...

Have you seen one of these signs? Chances are you have, they seem to be everywhere.  I've always wanted one for my house but still haven't found the "perfect" one (and DIY scares me, what if I spend all that time on it and hate it?).

I especially like the "we do loud really well" because at my house we do.  We've got three girls under the age of 7 and sometimes I'm pretty sure ear plugs should be required before entering our home.  I've come to love 8:15 pm. It's about the time that quiet happens.

My husband and I experienced real quiet when our youngest spent some time in the NICU after she was born.  The room she was in had four babies, one or two nurses and various family members huddled around their babies layette.  Each room was equipped with a sign that read volume and when things got a little louder than the constant beeping of the various machines it would flash angrily at you demanding quiet. I remember spending the day enveloped in the quiet there and then coming home and being shocked at how loud we could be. That sign would be going off like a strobe light around here.

I've come to crave the quiet. So much so that I started getting up an hour or two before my girls just to enjoy the quiet.  I went to school one day with my husband and he was almost giddy to show me the library.  Not only because I LOVE books; reading them and smelling them and I kind of think it would be super fun to be a librarian...but because the library on campus has "quiet zones" where it's so quiet you can hear yourself breath.  He said the look on my face was priceless and I'm sure it was...the library is a wonderful place.

I also love the quiet because when I can tune out the noise of the world then I can hear God whispering to me.  Whispering His promises for me or how He wants me to pray; pointing out traps and blessings in my path. Reminding me of His plan for me.

I'm a planner.  I like to know how things are going to go today, tomorrow and six months from now.  Right now my husband and I are in a situation of unknowns on what the future will bring.  It makes me anxious and frustrated.  Today God reminded me to not get so caught up in making plans and filling our calendar that I miss out on the blessings of His plan.  He told me He has plans for me today. He asked me to let go of unrealistic expectations (like knowing what the future holds) and to savor some happy moments today. And for the future He told me that I should check in with Him before making my own plans because our plans might line up or He might have something better.

Last night we had a guest for supper.  There was talking and singing and giggling and our youngest putting her hands over her ears and yelling "It's too loud!".  After our guest left I told my husband that I was worried we'd scared her off with our crazy loud behavior.  My husband reminded me that while our home may be loud, we have a home filled with grace and joy and love and those things are louder than the noise.

Lead me so we can lead them...

My husband's employer asked him to develop a "Leadership Plan" for his job.  He asked me to sit down with him over the weekend and do a self assessment. We looked up all kinds of qualities and attributes of great leaders and asked input from our friends and family and then sat down and evaluated each one and put them into "Strengths" or "Weakness" columns. Then he came up with ways to improve his "weaknesses" and wrote a set of personal and work related goals.

I have to just say how proud of him I am for doing this because it's not a task for the faint hearted.  Not too many of us would sit down and really contemplate "Am I really fair?" "Do others think of me as trustworthy?" and "How do I lead by example and motivate people without jeopardizing my integrity?" Nor could I say any of us would be too eager to put our weak places on paper and then present them to the person who signs your paycheck.Yet, even though this is a hard thing, I think we could all benefit from a little self assessment every once in a while.

This morning I was praying over my husband and his presentation today, his job and his schooling...our future. I opened up my devotional and today's key verse came from Matthew 16:24.  This wasn't a new verse to me, but one I've been clinging to my for the last year as I've been praying for God to lead me.

Then Jesus said to his disciples, "Whoever wants to be my disciple

must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me."

Matthew 16:24 (NIV)

"Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead.

You're not in the driver's seat; I am.

Don't run from suffering, embrace it.

Follow me and I'll show you how.

Self-help is no help at all.

Self-sacrifice is the way, my way,

to finding yourself, your true self."

Matthew 16:24 (MSG)

Later I opened my email and was met with Matthew 16:24.  And so I thought maybe God is trying to tell me something...maybe in these few lines lies the key to being led and to leading.

Denying myself...rejecting momentary satisfaction. Choosing to do what God has called me to do regardless of whether it's what I want to do or how difficult it may be.  

Taking up my cross...stop pointing fingers at others and blaming my circumstances and wishing it would all change.  Admitting my sin as sin and becoming disgusted enough with it to want to change. 

Follow Him...really follow Him and who He is and how He is.  The ultimate leader. The one who leads by example and whose actions are worthy of imitation. 

Coming Unglued...

My husband went back to school a few months ago along with continuing to work full time. Now I won't lie, as proud of him as I am these have been some trying months. (He agrees with me, so it's okay to share.) I've been trying to keep his schedule with him, because we are a team but the lack of sleep is wearing us both down.  Our girls are starting to act out too.  I think they are tired of hearing "Daddy is already gone to work." "Daddy's at school." "We need to be quiet and leave Daddy alone so he can study."

There's been little chance for "fun", there just isn't time. Date nights started to consist of grocery shopping or scrubbing the floor on hands and knees (but at least we did it together). We find ourselves apologizing often for being short and irritable with each other.  Patience and grace are in short supply.

Then an opportunity presented itself.  Potentially life altering. Potentially exciting and maybe a little scary.  So we prayed. We prayed for a clear path. We prayed for open and shut doors. We prayed for wisdom. We prayed for answers.

But what we got wasn't really an answer. It was an impasse. It was a stalemate.  No clear direction. No open or shut door.  And an incredible feeling of disappointment.

Because God is God and his timing is perfect, it was no coincidence that God would reveal himself to me as I sat down with my Unglued devotional this morning.  I was reading step number five in how to deal with a situation that has the potential to make you come unglued.  And if I'm honest I need every one of these steps right now.

Step one. Inquire of the Lord. Ask Him to help me remember who I am. His. Loved. Accepted. Wanted.  I know that He has a plan for us and even though I have no idea what it is right now, I know it's to prosper us and not harm us.  I know it's to give us a hope and a future. Lord, help us remember who You made us to be.

Step two.  Focus on the Lord.  One very hard day I texted a friend. It went something like this "My kids are crazy and my husband came home sick and I want to scream." She told me to tell Jesus "Jesus, it's just you and me tonight. I may not have it in me but You have enough for both of us."  I said that over and over and over that night until all was quiet in the house. Lord, help us remember it's just us and You and You are enough for all of us.

Step three. Be obedient to God's word. Our job is obedience. God's job is results. I can't do it on my own. I was never meant too.  Lord, help us to cease striving and to remain in Your will. Help us to wait patiently while you produce results. And Lord, remind us that even when we are faithless, You are always faithful.

Step four. Practice gratitude.  Lord, help me to stop looking at everything that is wrong and at everything I think I want and I can't have. Lord, I want to praise you for all that is right! Help me to have a thankful heart each and every day.

Step five. My reactions determine my reach.  After our youngest was born early and rushed away to a NICU an hour away I sat alone in the maternity ward, with no baby, wondering what I did wrong. How could I have prevented this? My doctor came in and gave me this little nugget of wisdom I'll never forget.  She told me she didn't know why Mia had come early and it was certainly nothing I did or didn't do. And maybe there wasn't some lesson or message to learn from it, but maybe it was the way we handled the situation that would affect someone else and God would use it to touch their life. Lord, remind me of the influence I have on others.  I may not be leading a kingdom or in a position of authority but we do make an impact on those we come in contact with every day.

Maybe you are at an impasse in your life or facing a tough time.  I pray that I can encourage you that you are not alone.  We're there too.  But more importantly, so is Jesus and He's got this!

Unconditional Love...

When I was a new Christian there was a concept I just couldn't wrap my head around: unconditional love. I couldn't figure out how God could love me without any stipulations or requirements. That He could love me so much in spite of my past or how far I'd fallen because I certainly didn't deserve it.  I could accept everything the Bible said to be true but I couldn't understand that one.  God set out to show me exactly what that looked like.

It started on New Year's day back in 2005.  A new friend of mine from church invited me to a party.  I showed up feeling nervous, awkward and out of place.  This was unlike a party I had been to in a while. There was no beer or loud music. There were board games and soda and lots of laughing. I met my husband Dana that night, we were at his parents house. I remember thinking he was a very gracious host but was oblivious to what I was told later was his shameless flirting.  I also thought he was taken.

I was in the process of a divorce at the time.  I was wallowing in the feelings of my brokenness.  I was devouring God's word and trying to understand how He could love me....how anyone could love me.

A week or two later some friends from that party were headed on a road trip.  It was an 8 hour drive, pack up a dorm room and turn around and come home type trip.  Either we weren't paying attention to the weather or the ice storm came out of no where but the four of us ended up spending a solid 48 hours together.

I realized then that Dana had an interest in me and that he was in fact not taken. It was exciting and scary and confusing. I also realized that I wanted to be around him, all the time.

And from those 48 hours on we didn't spend much time apart and when we were apart, we were on the phone for hours at a time.  I told him everything, every horrible sin from my past and he just loved me.  He loved me right where I was, no questions asked, no judgments, all my baggage included.  He shared how he been watching me (not in a creepy way) for a while, waiting on God's timing for our paths to cross. He had been praying for me...preparing his heart for me.

About a year after we met we were married. Yesterday we celebrated eight years of marriage and his love for me has never wavered. It's always been wholehearted and unrestricted. I'm not going to lie, we are living the fairy-tale like in the sappy movies and mushy books.  But unlike books and movies it's not always easy and sometimes it's just plain work and there in lies the difference between God's love for me and Dana's love for me.

It's not hard and it's not work for God to love me. It's a gift, freely given. The Bible is full of displays of God's love for us. A great one is Psalm 136. It's still hard to comprehend it, but I accept it.

Your thoughts - how rare, how beautiful! 

God, I'll never comprehend them!

I couldn't even begin to count them - 

any more than I could count the sand of the sea.

Oh, let me rise in the morning and live always with you!

Psalm 139:17-18

I thank God every day for Dana.  For creating him just for me.  For placing him in my life at exactly the right time. For showing me what unconditional love looks like.

Yesterday, Dana and I were reminiscing about our dating days and our wedding day as I imagine most people do on their anniversary.  I asked him what it was about me that peaked his interest all those years ago.  His reply shocked me. He shrugged said "You were cute." I did the startled, unbelieving "What?!?" because I figured it was charming disposition that drew him in.  Cute, is not one of the words I would describe myself with. 

I got flowers yesterday, the card read "I love you. You're pretty cute." 

Love your neighbor as yourself...

When my husband and I were house hunting I don't think we ever considered the neighborhood.  We were pretty focused on the house, which is normal I suppose.  However the house we bought is in one of those neighborhoods where your house and the one next door is separated by little more than your driveway.  Definite potential for awkward moments if you and your neighbor don't see eye to eye.

We were lucky though and hit the neighbor jackpot.  The woman next door was a single, hardworking mom with two beautiful daughters.  I think the girls were pre-teen at the time and they took a liking to my husband right away.  Since sometimes he's like a big kid he was always ready for a snowball fights or a water balloon fight.  I remember one day he even came in the house and said they had pulled him over on his bike for speeding and could I "make" him some money to go and pay his fines.  I knew he was going to make such a good daddy.

It wasn't long after that that our oldest daughter was born.  The youngest next door started babysitting her when she was around six months old and she's been our go to babysitter ever since.  I've never had to worry about my kids when she's here.  They even go to bed for her which is truly remarkable.  She's always willing to help too.  Like when I was laid up in bed during my third pregnancy, not only did she come over and watch my kids all day, she also helped me make the cake for Lorelei's first birthday. Or when we were in the NICU with our youngest and she helped out watching our kids and made sure the dog got fed and let out.

She's a senior in high school and she'll be leaving before we know it.  We are going to miss her dearly.  It's been such and honor and pleasure watching the neighbor girls grow up into such beautiful and caring women.

I know they turned out so great because of the way they were raised.  I've always admired their mom.  I knew she worked hard all day, commuting thirty minutes or more and then came home and was mom and dad. She took pride in their home and was always taking care of it and improving.  Then I would think of all the others things she was doing too, laundry, cooking meals and helping with homework.  The thought of it all made me tired and I'm sure she was but it never showed. She was always so happy and positive and encouraging.

Then she met her fiance and I watched her happiness grow and grow.  And even though I know they will be moving soon, with no kids left at home to be closer to their jobs I couldn't be more delighted that they found each other.  It will be a joyous occasion when they get married in a few days.

Now maybe I'm coming off as a stalker-ish neighbor but when you live 20 feet from someone else's house for nearly ten years you develop a rapport.  We've become those neighbors who borrow a cup of sugar, a stick of butter or a bag of shredded cheese.  The neighbors who call each other when you realize you are not going to be home and the dog needs to be let out. The neighbor you call to borrow the game of Scrabble who says "Sure, I'm not home right now. But here is how you break in..." The neighbor you call to rescue your cat from a recliner or a bunny from your window well. The neighbors you find yourself talking to for thirty minutes when you only meant to take out the garbage. And the neighbors who make homemade sympathy cards when your pet dies.

They are the neighbors that invite my kids over to frost cookies or play games for a couple of hours so I can have a "mommy break" or a nap.  The neighbors that take our kids out for ice cream and collect worms for them to play with.  The neighbors who don't freak out when my girls play on their lawn and let them pull their flowers to give to their mom.  The neighbors who exchange Christmas presents and go to one another's birthday parties.

The verse "Love your neighbor as yourself" keeps running through my head.  And how could you not love your neighbor when they've always supported and encouraged and motivated you?  They've set the bar pretty high for whoever our new neighbors may be and I know that they will always have a very special place in our hearts.

An hour of prayer...

The church we belong to is holding a week of prayer.  They encouraged people to come to the church and pray for one hour, 24 hours a day for the entire week. I was skeptical at first when I heard about it. Could I pray for an hour? Why would I have to come to church to pray, can't I pray at home? Who is really going to go to church in the middle of the night to pray?

My husband and I talked about it and decided we would sign up for an hour and go there and pray together.  When I arrived to sign up the time slots where nearly full, even those in the middle of the night.  We picked 9 pm on Wednesday night and our sweet neighbor agreed to come sit at our house with our sleeping children.

On Monday and Tuesday I heard all these incredible things about other peoples prayer times.  They gushed about how God met them there and that an hour wasn't nearly long enough.  They oozed radiance as they talked about it, even if I couldn't see them in person.  What if I didn't have that kind of experience? What if I went and missed the point all together?

We arrived for our time slot and relieved the people that had been praying before us.  They were glowing, beaming really.  I was really anxious to get started and see what this was going to be all about.  We followed the guide around to different stations in the room.

At the first station we simply praised.  There was music playing and scripture to help you along.  There was an art station set up for those that like to praise that way. The next station was confession complete with note cards where you could write out your confession and then place them in the paper shredder.  There was a station in which we prayed over our church staff and leadership.  Then a station where we prayed for our community and one where we played for the world and the missionaries we sponsor.

As we followed along our prayers became more intense and I regretted the skepticism I had had about praying like this.  At the last station we were to meditate on Psalm 23 and 24 and listen to what God told us.  My husband and I took turns reading them out loud and then waited.  And God met us there.

He reminded me, in light of my post yesterday: Big Scary Dreams, that he has blessed us abundantly.  That I need for nothing. He told me I did not need to be afraid because He was walking by my side. Before we knew our hour and then some was up but it was hard to leave and when we stepped outside into the dark cold night I'm pretty sure we were glowing.

We really should have went to bed when we came home with our new early morning routine and all, but Dana had some homework to finish and my mind was so full that I really didn't think I could fall asleep.  Pretty soon it was midnight and we were just crawling into bed.

At one o'clock our 2 1/2 year old woke up.  She was complaining of ear pain and running a fever.  She shares a room with our 1 year old and even though the sleep 5 feet apart they usually can sleep through the other one's cries, but not this morning. They went back and forth with the crying while we got Tylenol and teething tablets, drinks of water, diaper changes.  We took turns separating them and trying to have them lay with us in our bed.

I seem to lose every last ounce of patience as a mom in the middle of the night.  My husband on the hand is the opposite. So patient and loving and kind. So I lay there listening to one of them cry with the other in bed with me, racked with guilt because he needed to be sleeping with these long days he's putting in.  So I took the crying child, our youngest, upstairs and told my husband to get some sleep. She's been eating us out of house and home lately so I thought maybe it was hunger pains and she needed a snack.

So that is how I found myself sobbing over Cheerios at 2 am.  My husband came up and hugged me and then he said "Of course Satan would attack us tonight."  I thought "well, yeah, since we decided to stay up until midnight." Then it hit me.  It was because we had been diligently praying, because we had been seeking God and filled with the Spirit. I was mad then and I renounced Satan and told him to get lost. It was sometime around 2:30 that everyone fell into a deep sleep and it was not easy to get up with my husband when the alarm went off at 5.  But if he was willing to do it, so was I.  We are after all, a team.

And now I sit here drinking coffee and reflecting and praising God for last night.

God, my Shepard! I don't need a thing.

You have bedded me down in lush meadows,

You find me quiet pools to drink from.

True to your word, You let me catch my breath

and send me in the right direction.

Even when the way goes through Death Valley,

I'm not afraid when You walk at my side.

Your trusty shepherd's crook makes me feel secure.

You serve me a six-course dinner right in front of my enemies.

You revive my drooping head; my cup brims with blessing.

Your beauty and love chase me every day of my life.

I'm back home in the house of God for the rest of my life.

God claims earth and everything in it, God claims the World and all who

live on it. He built it on ocean foundations, laid it out on river girders.

Who can climb Mount God? Who can scale the holy north face?

Only the clean-handed, only the pure-hearted;

men who won't cheat, women who won't seduce.

God is at their side; with God's help they make it.

This, Jacob, is what happens to God-seekers, God-questers.

Wake up, you sleepyhead city! Wake up you sleepyhead people!

King-Glory is ready to enter.

Who is the King-Glory? God, armed and battle-ready.

Wake up you sleepyhead city! Wake up, you sleepyhead people! 

King-Glory is ready to enter.

Who is the King-Glory? God-of-the-Angel-Armies: He is King-Glory.

Psalm 23 & 24

Big scary dreams...

When my husband asked me if I thought he could go back to school I immediately became his biggest cheerleader.   I knew it would be challenging to have him working full time and going to school part time with three kids under 6.  I knew there were areas I would have to "pick up the slack". But I never second guessed our decision for him to go back and God made it pretty clear that this was the path we were to take.

So I was baffled when I found myself sitting on the couch this afternoon crying.  It was his third day of school, the third day of our new "normal" and I found myself thinking "how am I going to do this for the next four years?!?"

It all started this morning when our 2 1/2 year old woke up and excitedly said "Daddy make pancakes!" I tried to explain that daddy had went to work hours ago and well, mommy is no good at pancakes.  She settled for a bowl of mini wheats, something mommy is good at.  I got to thinking about Saturdays which is always our pancake morning except he won't be here now, he'll have to be at work Saturday mornings. When I mentioned it to him he said he would teach me to make pancakes...but I have my doubts.  I'm not such a good student in the kitchen.

This led me to thinking about all the other changes. If you know me, you know that I am not a morning person.  However, I decided I really like having a hot breakfast with my husband (and honestly if it weren't for him making it I'd be eating mini wheats too).  I also thought if I had any hope of having some quiet "me" time I should try to get it in first thing in the morning.  So I've been getting up at a 5 am with him.  Last night I tried to stay up while he did homework but apparently I fell asleep sitting on the couch with my kindle still in my hand.

I knew last night he wanted to get a jump on his homework so I attempted to corral and settle the girls before bed. I'm also on my own in the mornings now, getting them all ready for the day.  Pretty soon I was feeling really overwhelmed and really tired. I felt blindsided by all the changes that were happening.  Why hadn't I thought this through? I'm a planner after all.

If I had thought it through, would I have told him not to go?

Then the tears came. I knew I had to tell him how I was feeling but I felt like I wasn't being supportive if I did.  I knew I was building things up in my head and making it seem more daunting that it needed to be.  I knew I just needed some time to get in my groove and establish a new routine.  I felt guilty that I had been taking for granted how much he helped me with the kids and around the house.

He stopped by home for a quick lunch between work and heading off to school.  I really tried to keep it all in check while he was here but he knows me so well.  As he was getting ready to walk out the door he said "Are you okay?" And I started to cry again.  He looked so torn but I knew he had to go to school. He hugged me and called me a few minutes later from the road.

I caved and told him everything I was feeling.  Unsupportive, guilty and ashamed.  He reminded me that we are a team and a really good one.  Things are going to change.  The next few years will be bumpy and challenging but we're in it together.

Once again I feel like God's making me move out of my comfort zone and pushing me to trust His plan for us.  I heard someone once say "If your dreams don't scare you, then they are not big enough."  Part of me wants to say "Oh, but things were so nice and comfortable the way they were." but I know that's not going to cut it.  Besides, if it's scary, it's usually pretty exciting too, right?

"Trust me", He said...

A few weeks ago I received an email asking me if I would consider sharing my testimony at our church's Christmas Eve service. I literally started hyperventilating while reading it and yet, my head was screaming "Yes!".  What?!?

A friend of mine happened to stop by right after I got the email and she said sweetly "We'll just pray about it."  And pray we did.  Even though my body started to panic every time I thought about it my head remained very calm. I took this as God's prompting and agreed.

Every day I prayed God would give me the words he wanted me to share.  And the days flew by and I still had nothing.  I found myself sitting in church last week, trying to watch my 2 year old sing "Away in the Manager" but my heart was racing and my palms were sweating and I was panicking.

I found myself explaining to God that Christmas was just over a week away (like He didn't know or something). I needed the words! I needed them now! And then this peace washed over me and He said "Trust me." and I didn't have any choice but to do just that.

The next day I sat down with my pastor. I thought maybe if I knew what to expect from the service that it would help me to get started.  He went over the order of the service with me and told me what he had planned for the sermon. Then he encouraged me to write it like a blog post and that part was genius.

I sat down that night and the words flowed out of my fingertips and across the keys almost faster than I could type. I realized that I had had to wait for the words until I knew what the sermon was going to be on. I sent it off to my pastor and he helped me clarify a few points and then told he told me it was perfect. I even started to get a little excited about sharing it and how God would use it.

I was laying in bed one night, unable to sleep when I was struck with absolute fear.  I realized some of the things I was going to share in my testimony I hadn't ever really said out loud, except to my husband. I have shared most of it here before but maybe I'm naive enough to think there is a certain anonymity with my blog.  It's so easy to hit "publish", put on my jammies and crawl in to bed.

And then there was the alarm I felt when my husband said we should invite our families.  It's not that I didn't want them there, I do.  It's just that I don't want them to come to hear me. I don't want anyone to come to hear me because it's not about me.  It's all about Jesus.

Then just this morning a sweet friend texted me to say she was praying for me and asking if I was anxious.  I told her that I've been keeping myself distracted with my girls and reciting verses in my head all morning. I also shared, at the risk of sounding superficial, that I was most worried about having to "get ready".  I still don't know what I'm going to wear, or do with my hair or how I'll cover my face.  This is always when Satan attacks me, when I'm trying to make myself "presentable".

And she responded with "In Matthew when he talks about worry he specifically says "don't worry about what you will wear"...I know this is really a metaphor, but it's not worth our time. Pray instead that no matter how you look people see the Holy Spirit in you. How beautiful is that to look at?!"

I realized that this had been my prayer all along. That God would receive the glory. That I could be His vessel to share His message. And so here it is:

It’s been nearly 20 years since I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I had seen councilors, taken various prescription medications and gone through an outpatient treatment program to learn coping skills. Most of the time I just felt numb.

About 10 years ago I was driving along a stretch of highway 22 between here and Hutchinson crying my eyes out.  I was tired of going through my days in a fog, feeling sad and lonely and broken.  I didn’t know where else to turn. I had lost hope.  I pulled my car over and in desperation cried out for Jesus to enter my heart and to fix me.

I was naive enough to think I would feel some miraculous healing, but I didn’t.  I did however start going back to church. I had grown up going to church sometimes and to Sunday school most of the time.  I knew all the Bible stories and had memorized verses but after I was confirmed there just didn’t seem to be a lot of reason for me to keep going to church.

 I met my husband at church.  He accepted me and all my imperfection and has shown me every day what unconditional love looks like.  It felt like walking out of a dark forest and feeling the sunshine on your face.  I thought I had found a cure in my faith.

Somewhere after the birth of our first daughter, Eva the joy started to slip away. I started to close in on myself. Even though I had Jesus in my life now, a doting husband and a precious baby, it wasn't enough. We struggled financially. We had a miscarriage and then had our daughters Lorelei and Amelia 14 months apart.

There were so many highs and lows I couldn't keep up and somewhere along the way I lost myself in the gloom.  Last winter I found myself admitting to my husband that I was having thoughts of taking my life. Even though I firmly believed I wouldn't act on them it scared me that they were there, inside my head. So I made a choice.

I chose to once again to cry out to Jesus, not to fix me this time, but to lead me. First He led me to a bible study called Made to Crave.  It changed not only the way I thought about food but the way I looked at myself.  It made me rediscover who I was as God’s child. Loved, accepted and wanted.

Then He led me to take a long hard look at my family.  My relationship with Dana was not what it should be so I chose to focus on showing him love, everyday. The depth of our love now has grown immensely. Most days my kids left me feeling tired and drained so I decided to seek joy in everyday things and to give thanks at the end of each day.  Now it’s hard not to look at my kids in complete awe.

I sought out God’s promises for me and I surrounded myself with them and then ever so slowly the negativity stopped ruling my days.  God began restoring my passion and my hope.  He began healing broken relationships in my life. He lifted the fog from my eyes and He filled me with joy. 

I once was lost but now I am found.

If you would like to join us in worship of our King at Cornerstone, services are at 7 pm tonight and 3:30 pm and 5:00 pm tomorrow (Christmas Eve).  *The 3:30 pm service will be directed towards families with young children.*

Answered prayers...

I was chatting with my husband tonight and we were discussing his going back to school.  I asked him if he remembers what prompted him wanting to go back and neither one of us can remember the conversation or how it went.  And yet from the very first time he asked me if I thought he could do it, which wasn't that long ago (we're talking weeks) it's felt completely right.

Absolutely everything has gone entirely smoothly from applying, to transferring credits from ten years ago (they took everything except zoology?), to registering from classes. His employer has been absolutely supportive and flexible. The head of the manufacturing engineering department very helpful.  We were just waiting for the financial piece to fall into place and he'd be set to start classes in a few weeks.

I received a message from my husband at 2:02 pm today telling me that he had gotten the email stating he'd get 'x' amount of money, probably just enough to cover tuition and books.  This news in and of it itself was fantastic but my stomach dropped a bit and I asked him, "but how will we get you a laptop?"  We had hoped the money he was going to get would cover a laptop as well.  I knew that a laptop was not in our budget, especially now at Christmas but that it was essential for him in his schooling.

He replied with "I don't know." I loathe when he says that.  He's the guy who always knows.  I count on him knowing.  When he says "I don't know." I panic.

Thankfully I didn't have a lot of time to get myself real worked up.  At 3:02 pm today I got another message from my husband.  It said "your brother just told me he won a laptop at work and that I could use it for school."

Wow.

My response was the same one I gave him when he asked me to marry him, "Are you kidding?".  I mean why would he kid about either of these things, but I had to know if he was serious.  He said he was not kidding, my brother had just sent him a text.

My brother stopped by after work tonight and dropped off the laptop.  He already has a laptop and wasn't even going to bother entering the drawing but my mom said he should because 1. he is constantly winning the prizes at work, it's so ridiculous I'm surprised they still let him enter them and 2. she was sure that Dana could use it even if my brother couldn't.

I have seen God work in our life and I have seen him answer our prayers but I don't know that I have ever seen it so quickly or so blatantly.  It kind of takes my breath away.

I never doubted that my husband could go back to school.  I know he'll do amazingly well like he does with everything else.  I know that the next few years won't be easy with him working full time and going to school part time but I do know that this is exactly what he is supposed to be doing.  God has made that perfectly clear.

Attitude...

I'm not sure who said "Attitude is everything." but they were so right.  Yesterday I was having one of those days where it was just so hard to have a good attitude about anything.  The harder I tried the more I got sucked in my own negativity.  I was tired and tired of feeling tired. The kids were cranky. It was snowing...a lot.  Then I finally had to say enough is enough.  I put Mia down for a nap and then put in a good workout of putting Lorelei in her snow gear.  We went outside to play and wait for Eva to get home from school and I could feel my bad attitude blow away with the swirling snowflakes.

I know it's not always that easy.  I spent many months trapped in my negativity.  It was last winter in fact.  To protect our baby who was born premature we decided to spend the winter "hibernating".  What that boiled down to was I left the house twice a week.  Once to grocery shop and once to go to bible study.  The walls of my already small house quickly closed in on me.

When Mia was about 8 months (and 4 months into hibernation) she started to regress if you will.  She simply stopped sitting and refused to be put in a sitting position.  She wasn't doing well with eating baby food and then she started to struggle with bottles too.  Now for a mama who has been hibernating for 4 months with a baby and a danger-seeking curious one year old it was almost more than I could take.

There was particular day that was going very badly.  It must have been the weekend because my husband and Eva were home to witness my frustration.  I was trying to feed Mia and she was struggling and refusing.  I threw the bottle across the room. It broke open leaving a sticky trail of formula down the wall and puddled on the floor.  I set Mia down on the floor and simply walked out of the house, slamming the door.  I got in the car and started driving, nowhere.  I was crying so hard I probably shouldn't have been driving but I felt like if I didn't escape my bad attitude it was going to make me explode.

It's funny what we do when our attitudes go south.  Kids throw tantrums.  I myself tend to cry, yell, slam doors...similar to a tantrum I suppose.  I wish I had the restraint of my husband.  When he's having a bad day he disappears to the basement and tackles the laundry with increased fervor. Somedays I think he's superhuman but I'm pretty sure God put us together so that he would balance my erratic ups and downs.

It was shortly after that episode when I witnessed one of Eva's tantrums.  I could so clearly see myself in her that it quite frankly scared me.  I didn't want to be this way and I didn't want her to think it was okay.  So began mission good attitude.

It involved a lot of prayer, continuous prayer to see things the way God sees them.  I had been participating in an online photo a day challenge for some time by then but it was amazing the way I started seeing differently.  Seeing beauty and being awestruck.

I kept a journal handy, on the top of the page I wrote "Joy is..." and everyday I would challenge myself to see joy in things and write it down and then reread it a hundred times. In those really, really frustrating moments I would go in another room and take deep breathes or if Dana was home I'd head for a walk or a bath or my bedroom.  And ever so slowly my negativity stopped ruling my days.

One night Dana and I sat down and wrote out a list of "house rules" to serve as a reminder to us and as an example to our kids of who we are and strive to be.  It did get a bit lengthy but we did it with the understanding that none of us are perfect, but there is grace. We keep it displayed in our kitchen, the hub of our home, so we all can see it.  And when an issue arises we can gently point out "rule number 12...." or whichever applies.

I was watching Veggie Tales "Sweetpea Beauty" with my girls and there was a part that struck me and has stayed with me.  Prince Larry says "How is it that you find beauty in everything?" Sweetpea replies "I don't. It's God who see the beauty in everything. I just choose to agree with him."

And so I choose to agree with him too and things (and my attitude) are ever so much brighter.

Loving with intention...

  "First pride, then crash - the bigger the ego, the harder the fall." Proverbs 16:18 (MSG)

I've always took pride in the solid relationship my husband and I have.  Then last winter we crashed.  

I couldn't even tell you what triggered it exactly.  Slowly we stopped communicating and connecting.  Pretty soon we couldn't understand where the other was coming from.  There wasn't much grace being passed out or much of anything.

Then the warning flags started popping up all over in my head.  I felt that our marriage was being threatened and it scared me like nothing else.  The threat was nothing...yet, but we both knew that if we continued going in our separate directions it would be harder to find our way back to each other.

We confided in our closest friends and they came along side of us, asking us the hard questions, listening, holding us accountable.  We sought wisdom from our pastor. We started seeking ways to prove our love.

We started reading marriage books, devotionals and the Bible together. We worked to discover each other's love language and then speak it intentionally. 

We carved out a few hours every week for each other.  Sometimes it was going for a walk or weeding the garden together.  Sometimes it was grocery shopping.  Sometimes it was sitting on the patio after the kids were all asleep.  But we made it a point to talk.

My husband put a sticky note on the computer for awhile that said "No screens after 8 pm. Talk to your wife."  He made me his priority and I did the same for him. 

We started going to bed at the same time.  We made it a point to fall asleep touching each other, every night. We have a king size sleep number bed, this wasn't the norm.  But we need that connection.  

We started kissing each other goodbye every time one of us leaves.  Every time.  Sometimes it came naturally and sometimes it was just choosing to intentionally show affection towards the other.

There were times that we had to really work at showing our love to one another.  I tried the 7 ways in 7 days to knock the socks off your spouse approach.  Once Dana became aware of what I was doing he would reciprocate and it was always worth the effort. 

Every day I have thanked God for Dana and for our marriage.  I thank him now for keeping us alert so that we were not devoured by Satan and his lies.  I thank God for bringing us out of the pit and healing our marriage.

This morning my husband sent me the following message: "So I'm pretty sure I'm head over heels for you. I can't get you out of my head." Oh, yes.  We've found our way back to each other in a more incredible way than I've ever thought possible.

  

Grace...

My husband is a pusher.  It's wonderful and annoying all at the same time.  He gives 110% to everything he does and he expects everyone around him to do the same.  He's always trying to improve, to be more efficient, to find a better way. "Settle" and "okay" are not words in his vocabulary.

I've known my husband for nearly nine years now.  In those nine years he has been pushing me to try harder, do more, aim higher. I admit that sometimes this make me want to lob heavy objects in his direction but I am eternally thankful for his pushing.  I wouldn't be where I am without his pushing.

God is a pusher too.  He asks us to live in constant dependence on him.  To listen to His calling. To share His message.  He asks us to step out of our comfort zone and do His will with no promise of recognition.  He wants us to be courageous.

The funny thing about courage is that it requires us to be vulnerable.  And I just couldn't do that if I didn't have someone pushing me.  God is pushing me to a new place.  A place of grace.

He has carried me through such grief and sadness.  Times of despair.  He has given me struggles with food, depression and anxiety and yet He says in Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you" declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." and Romans 8:28 says "And we know in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

Someone once told me without a mess you wouldn't have a message.  You, Messiah are the best match for my mess!

Thank you God for my my mess and for pushing me out of it.  Patti Hill said "Enjoying God's grace is sloppy business."  I couldn't have said it better myself.