When my husband asked me if I thought he could go back to school I immediately became his biggest cheerleader. I knew it would be challenging to have him working full time and going to school part time with three kids under 6. I knew there were areas I would have to "pick up the slack". But I never second guessed our decision for him to go back and God made it pretty clear that this was the path we were to take.
So I was baffled when I found myself sitting on the couch this afternoon crying. It was his third day of school, the third day of our new "normal" and I found myself thinking "how am I going to do this for the next four years?!?"
It all started this morning when our 2 1/2 year old woke up and excitedly said "Daddy make pancakes!" I tried to explain that daddy had went to work hours ago and well, mommy is no good at pancakes. She settled for a bowl of mini wheats, something mommy is good at. I got to thinking about Saturdays which is always our pancake morning except he won't be here now, he'll have to be at work Saturday mornings. When I mentioned it to him he said he would teach me to make pancakes...but I have my doubts. I'm not such a good student in the kitchen.
This led me to thinking about all the other changes. If you know me, you know that I am not a morning person. However, I decided I really like having a hot breakfast with my husband (and honestly if it weren't for him making it I'd be eating mini wheats too). I also thought if I had any hope of having some quiet "me" time I should try to get it in first thing in the morning. So I've been getting up at a 5 am with him. Last night I tried to stay up while he did homework but apparently I fell asleep sitting on the couch with my kindle still in my hand.
I knew last night he wanted to get a jump on his homework so I attempted to corral and settle the girls before bed. I'm also on my own in the mornings now, getting them all ready for the day. Pretty soon I was feeling really overwhelmed and really tired. I felt blindsided by all the changes that were happening. Why hadn't I thought this through? I'm a planner after all.
If I had thought it through, would I have told him not to go?
Then the tears came. I knew I had to tell him how I was feeling but I felt like I wasn't being supportive if I did. I knew I was building things up in my head and making it seem more daunting that it needed to be. I knew I just needed some time to get in my groove and establish a new routine. I felt guilty that I had been taking for granted how much he helped me with the kids and around the house.
He stopped by home for a quick lunch between work and heading off to school. I really tried to keep it all in check while he was here but he knows me so well. As he was getting ready to walk out the door he said "Are you okay?" And I started to cry again. He looked so torn but I knew he had to go to school. He hugged me and called me a few minutes later from the road.
I caved and told him everything I was feeling. Unsupportive, guilty and ashamed. He reminded me that we are a team and a really good one. Things are going to change. The next few years will be bumpy and challenging but we're in it together.
Once again I feel like God's making me move out of my comfort zone and pushing me to trust His plan for us. I heard someone once say "If your dreams don't scare you, then they are not big enough." Part of me wants to say "Oh, but things were so nice and comfortable the way they were." but I know that's not going to cut it. Besides, if it's scary, it's usually pretty exciting too, right?
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