I know nothing is wasted in God's economy. He uses the good stuff and the bad stuff. We may never know who or what or how. I've been on the receiving end of someone using all their hurt to guide me along and so I believe that God is calling me to do the same. But some stuff is just hard to talk about, hence the inward groan.
Shelly, author of Just Trying to find My Way and I were tossing around ideas of how to approach this tag team effort; our goal being to let those who are suffering from the same stuff that they are not alone and to maybe help explain to those who have a loved one who is suffering and just don't understand it. We were throwing around topic ideas when she said "why don't we just start at the beginning?" Well why didn't I think of that?
For me, I grew up the classic oldest child. Independent, stubborn, perfectionist. I was born to lead, born to boss other people around. I saw everything in black in white, right and wrong. And I was my own worst enemy. My mom often said she never punished me because the way that I was so hard on myself was worse than any punishment she could have doled out.
I wasn't a straight A student in school which meant there was always room for improvement. I put a lot of pressure on myself. I found math and science to be hard and I struggled. Pulling in those B's made me feel like a huge failure.
I was always comparing myself to everyone else and I always fell short. I was never pretty enough, thin enough, athletic enough, smart enough. I never had the right clothes and my curly hair was not the right style. I wasn't popular. I was pretty much a big bully, but to myself.
By the time I hit high school I remember feeling like my emotions were on a constant roller coaster only I mostly bounced between angry and sad. We had a family history of depression and anxiety and so at the time it made sense to start some antidepressants. They helped in evening out some of the extremes but they left me feeling numb.
I started working when I was 15 to save money for a car. And because I was an all out go-getter, I picked up a second job too. When I was 16 I had my car and a night off so friends and I decided to go "cruising". Does anyone still do this? Seems so silly now, driving that mile loop over and over. But it was the thing to do and we had fun. I remember this particular night we spotted some boys cruising and at some point stopped to chat them up. They weren't from our same town so we didn't know them. One of them, who was a couple of years older took a liking to me and asked me out. I was over the moon flattered, and agreed.
I think I was one of the last of my friends to date. It seemed like they had all been dating for a while so of course I was always wondering what was wrong with me that no boys took an interest in me. But my night finally came and I was so nervous and excited I could hardly breathe.
I think he had a job interview so I waited around for him (talk about romantic) and then we went out for burgers. We went for a drive and then parked at this park and sat in his car and talked. He seemed so nice and things seemed to be going so smoothly. Then in a blur of details I won't go in to he raped me. It was my first date. My first kiss. My first everything.
I remember he dropped me at my car and I cried the whole way home. Somehow I knew it had to have been my fault and the guilt and the shame were suffocating. I think I even wrote him a letter apologizing. I felt worthless, like trash.
I stuffed the memories and tried to go on with my life. I think on the outside I probably appeared pretty normal. Studying, hanging out with friends, working. When I was a junior in high school I started taking college classes part time. I thrived on the pressure to do more, be better.
I remember seeing him at college once, from a distance. It threatened to shatter all the broken pieces that I was barely holding together. A year or so after that sighting I was in my apartment, checking my voice-mail when my world shattered. He had gotten my number from someone and wanted to know if I wanted to go out some time....four years later.
I told my parents. I moved out of my apartment. I think I even changed my phone number. I was so scared. I started counseling and I learned there that being date raped was not my fault. It took many years to come to a place of acceptance and of healing.
Sharing this part of my story is leap of faith and a feeling of God's prompting. I don't know how God is going to use this one. It is one of those things I wish I could delete from my past and never have to think of (or share) again, yet I know that it's a piece of what's shaped me to be who I am.
Meanwhile, the moment we get tired of waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along.
If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us,
making prayer out of wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good. Romans 8:28
*To read Shelly's tag-team post, go to www.somethingaboutthecolororange.blogspot.com and read The stealing of innocence...
No comments:
Post a Comment