Progress, Not Perfection...Social Eating

Thanksgiving is just two days away and I don't know about you but I will be sitting down to not one, but two traditional, lavish meals. When I started my journey to a healthier me, holiday eating and social eating really overwhelmed me.   How do you do it? How do you overcome the overload of temptations lined up buffet style that are tantalizing your taste-buds?

Most importantly, I think, is that you go into the holiday or social gathering with the right mindset. You start out by praying something like this, "Lord, you know the temptations that I am about to face as soon as I step into that room. But your word says that with You all things are possible.  I need You and Your power to go with me. Amen"

Then you give yourself a little pep talk that goes something like this, "I am not depriving myself of food that others may be able to partake in, I am treating myself with healthy food and am embracing making healthy choices. I am not going to give up what I want most for what I want right now. Six months from now I'm not even going to remember how that pumpkin pie tasted, but six months from now I will see the results of my healthy choices."

"You surround them with your shield of love" (Psalm 5:12)

And do you know what the Bible commentaries say about what kind of shield this is?

It's a full body shield - the kind that covers head to toe. 

Whatever fears and hurts you carry about your struggles with food,

know that you are surrounded this day, and every day, with a shield of 

God's love that no enemy can penetrate. God has you covered, head to toe.

[excerpt taken from Lysa TerKeurst's Made to Crave]

Have a plan. Decide ahead of time what you are going to allow yourself to eat and drink.  If you are hosting, seek out healthy recipes and substitutions for your menu.  If you plan to allow yourself to indulge also make a plan on how you will work it off.

Stay hydrated. It's easy to confuse your bodies thirst cues with hunger. Keep a bottle of water handy before, during and after to curb the nagging feeling in your stomach. Pay close attention to the beverages you are consuming as juice, pop and alcohol can be loaded with unwanted calories.

Feast with your eyes first. Peruse what is being served and then start with fruit, vegetables and lean meats to take the edge off your appetite. Make one trip to the buffet, be selective and keep your portions small. Then take your plate and sit as far away as you can get. Try eating with the opposite hand if you need to slow yourself down.  

Bring a healthy dish to share. If you are headed to a gathering bring a dish that you know you can indulge in. If you are hosting, consider packing up leftovers and sending them home with your guests.

My husband has an alter ego called Dr. Candy. He makes these delicious candies and loves to bake for fun. But we've made a hard and fast rule at our house: if it doesn't have somewhere to go, we don't make it.  We've also learned that people love when you share! 

But sometimes, you have to be prepared to remove the temptation or flee (hopefully with a little grace).  I had to flee my own house one day.  I had a tasty supper simmering in the crock-pot (my favorite way to cook) and the smell was driving me crazy all day long.  I found myself constantly walking into the kitchen, searching the cupboards for something, anything until I finally said "Enough!" and piled the kids in the car and got out of the house. Sometimes you have to flee.

Happy Thanksgiving friends! Remember who you are, you are an over comer created for victory!

Progress, Not Perfection...Goals.

What you get by achieving your goals

is not as important as

what you become by achieving your goals.

Henry David Thoreau

When I began my journey to a healthier me I knew I needed a goal; an aim, a target, an end. I also knew that giving myself the goal to loose a 100 pounds would be seriously overwhelming and I'd fail miserably. So I started out with small, attainable goals. For me it was pre-babies weight, pre-wedding weight, pre-meeting my husband the wonderful cook weight and finally what the BMI chart says is a healthy weight for someone my size.  

Maybe your goal isn't a number. Maybe it's to move more, portion control, drinking more water or to try new things. Maybe your goal is to find peace in your own skin. That ended up being my goal. Peace, more than any number on the scale; I wanted peace.

It's true the scale can give you a numerical reflection of your relationship with gravity.

That's it.

It cannot measure your beauty, talent, purpose, life force, possibility, strength or love.

Don't give the scale more power than it's earned.

Steve Maraboli

Once it clicked in my brain that the number on the scale held no power over me I began to feel peace. Once it clicked that the number on the tag of my jeans did not define my worth I began to feel confidence.  And it snowballed from there into amazing, life changing things. I became a different person. A lighter, healthier, more confident me.  

Karen Ehman speaks on her blog about defining your week by obedience, not the number on the scale.  She says that before we step on to the scale we should ask ourselves: Did I overeat this week on any day? Did I move more and exercise regularly? Do I feel lighter than I did at this time last week? Did I eat in secret or out of anger or frustration? Did I feel that, at any time I ran to food instead of to God? Before I hopped on the scale, did I think I'd had a successful, God-pleasing week? As you review the questions you can assess your own progress and after you come face to face with your own, honest answers, the number on the scale doesn't mean much. 

God created it.

Jesus died for it.

The Spirit lives in it.

I'd better take care of it.

Pastor Rick Warren (re:our bodies)

It's common knowledge that exercise has amazing health benefits physically and mentally but I neglected it for a long time. I didn't like it. It was hard! It felt like punishment and made me want to groan or cry. Maybe your feeling the same?

But as I started to see the results of just changing my eating habits I became more curious as to what would happen if I added exercise to the mix.  My goal was small and simple: Move More. Because basically I was doing nothing, outside of chasing three small children and taking care of our home, so anything was better than nothing.

First, focus on something you can do. For me, I started walking. If we had an errand to run that was within walking distance, we walked. When the weather became too cold and the sidewalks and roads were covered in snow and ice I got a pass to the elementary school and walked there. (Since I didn't have a destination, this was sometimes hard to make myself do until I found a friend willing to walk with me. Accountability made a huge difference!)

Meanwhile, my husband started running, like miles at a time.  I was jealous. I wanted to be able to run with him. So I started off small. Jog half a block, walk two blocks, seriously. Until, finally the day when I ran my first nonstop mile in 13 minutes. I stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and jumped up and down and did a happy dance. Yep, that was me.

Finding something you can do and enjoy doing will make all the difference in getting started. Maybe it's walking or running. Maybe it's joining a gym or an intramural sports team? Maybe it's swimming or yoga? Keep trying things until you find one that fits!

And sometimes that means trying things you never dreamed you'd enjoy. For me it was a dance class. Our church started offering a REFIT class. The timing was perfect for my schedule, it was all the ladies were talking about. But slightly uncoordinated me wasn't too sure. Dancing? In a room full of women?

But I gathered up all my new found confidence and went to my first class. I realized about 3 songs in that I was too busy watching the instructor and trying to figure out the moves to look at anyone else. So I figured no one else had time to be looking at me. It. was. amazing. I'm hooked. I have little REFIT dance parties in my living room with my girls daily now. Who knew?  I wouldn't have if I hadn't taken a chance. 

KNOW

THAT 

YOU

ARE 

MORE 

THAN 

ENOUGH,

YOU

MATTER

TO

SOMEONE.

YOU

ARE 

A

STORY

OF

REDEMPTION,

RESTORATION,

REVOLUTION.

YOU

ARE

THE

SPARK

THAT

LIGHTS

THE

FLAME,

YOU

BRING

PURPOSE

TO

THE

WORLD

AROUND

YOU.

LIVE

FREE.

{Rock the Revolution}

Progress, not perfection...becoming informed.

But really, what do you eat?

I get this questions a lot. I feel I should tell you upfront I don't enjoy cooking and I'm not very good at it.  But I've always loved to eat.  And there lies the problem.  I realized I was eating because I enjoyed it, I wanted it and because I could.

I decided I had to change the way I thought about food. I had to start thinking about it as fueling my body with the things it needs in order to take care of it.  It became more of a stewardship issue than a health issue.  I realized I had to eat to live and not live to eat, and that for me was huge.

Because of our change in thinking our diet has become pretty routine.  We've found a few tried and true things that a) taste good and b) are good for us and we tend to stick with those.  People also ask a lot it it gets boring and sometimes, sure, it does.  But when I remember these things satisfy me and make me feel good it doesn't feel like much of a sacrifice.

When I started this journey, I didn't give anything up initially. I did cut some things way back, mainly sugar and carbs. I had a serious addiction to Diet Mountain Dew  at the time but I slowly cut back and weaned myself off. It took months for the cravings to go away. Sometimes, usually at the most random times, I still have a craving for one. A few months ago I gave in to one of those cravings and let me tell you, it was disgusting. Your body will begin to crave what you put it in it.

I also used to be one of those people who couldn't stand to drink water. When I gave up my soda I switched to the carbonated flavored water but soon that became to sweet.  I switched to the Crystal Light packets that you add in to your water bottle but before long that became to sweet too. I challenged myself to drink 8 cups of plain old water a day; I'm not a very competitive person, but I am a determined one. It didn't take long before all I really wanted to drink was water. And here's a fun fact: research shows that starting your day by drinking 16 ounces of water reduces calorie intake by up to 25%.

So much of what I've learned is that when it comes to changing your habits, changing your lifestyle, it's mind over matter. It's making the choice and doing it. It's about progress, not perfection.

When it came to looking at what I was eating I mainly focused on tracking my calorie intake. Calorie counting apps like My Fitness Pal make it easy to also see the amount of fat, sugar, fiber and protein you are taking in. Talking to a doctor or dietitian can be a good way to start setting goals in how many calories you should be taking in. Once you know how many calories you should be eating, become informed. Start reading your labels and learn about correct portion sizes. Research ways to make your favorite recipes healthier or find some new ones you'd like to try. Look at the nutritional data of the menus for your favorite restaurants and determine in advance what you will eat when you go out.

Find more information on how to
stop binge eating here.

Learn what your trigger foods are; the ones that you have the strongest craving for or the ones you can't stop eating once you've started are a good place to start. For me there were trigger foods that I had to get rid of all together, at least for a time.  For me chocolate is an issue. If it's in the house, I will eat it.  And if I indulge in a little, the cravings for more come at me full force. There are some trigger foods, like pizza that I can allow myself to eat again with moderation, but chocolate I must eat with caution.

Also think about what is triggering you to eat. Are you an emotional eater that looks to food to fill up the hurt or loneliness your feeling?  Do you greet food like an old friend when you're stressed and approaching a deadline? Maybe it's when you're bored or when you're mindlessly watching tv? Knowing what your triggers are is the first step to conquering them. And the best way to conquer them is to saturate yourself in truth. And the truth is "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own, you were bought with a price. Therefore, honor God with your body." 1 Corinthians 6:19

So what do I eat?

• Breakfast usually consists of eggs with ham and peppers topped with a bit of salsa; or a bowl of oatmeal. I used to detest oatmeal until I came across The Oatmeal Artist's blog. She makes it sound and look so delicious I had to try it again. Plus oatmeal is full of fiber which is full of health benefits and helps you to feel full. I found some recipes my family loves (and a few we don't), our favorites are the  Apple Pie Baked Oatmeal and the Blueberry Muffin Baked Oatmeal.
• Lunch is mostly likely a large salad. There are so many combinations that it doesn't often get boring. Add some protein and a salad is quite filling.  Beware of cheese and dressings because this is where you will find most of your calories.  Make sure to measure out your serving sizes with these.  Salsa is another good option in place of your dressing.  Try adding fruit or some crushed pretzels for crunch. The sky is the limit here!
• Snacks generally consist of fruit or raw veggies.
• Supper tends to be some kind of meat (we eat a lot of beef because it's what happens to be in the freezer) and vegetables. We try to limit meals with pasta, rice or bread to once a week.
• I do drink some coffee in the mornings but otherwise stick to water the rest of the day.  Staying hydrated is so beneficial to your body but can also help curb cravings during the day.

This is what has worked for me and my husband but everyone is different and you need to find what works for you and what you can live with.  The most important thing you can do is to become informed about what your body needs and what you're putting into it.

Progress, Not Perfection...Pray, Plan, Accountability.

When you've decided you want make a healthy lifestyle change it can be so overwhelming. Where do you start?

First I think that we have to realize that our will power is not enough to battle the war that rages with our genes and the calorie excessive environment in which we live. Dr. Ski Chilton explains in the Made to Crave Action Plan that God created us with hunter/gather genes that would enable us to survive a famine.  And back when the Israelites were wandering in the dessert this was a good thing. But, if we're honest, most of us are not going to see a famine anytime soon.

Dr. Chilton goes on to say the marketing efforts of the food industry today pushes us to consume a diet of 3,800 calories a day.  If you wanted to maintain a healthy weight you should consume around 2,000 calories a day.  If you are looking to lose weight you should consume less than that. We live in an environment where our food options are plentiful.

Discovering those two things made me feel less than hopeful but the amazing thing is God never intended us to go through this life alone. 2 Corinthians 1:21-22 says "It is God who enables us, along with you, to stand firm for Christ. He has commissioned us and he has identified us as his own by placing the Holy Spirit in our hearts as the first installment that guarantees everything he has promised us." and 2 Timothy 1:7 says "For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline."

When we embrace the truth about who God says we are, we have access to divine power that goes way beyond even our strongest white-knuckle willpower. It's graced power, death-defying power, transformational power-and the Bible says it's ours for the taking. {Lysa TerKeurst,  Made to Crave}

So we pray. We ask God to go before us, to help us to make healthy choices and resist temptations. We can use every craving to eat as a prompt to pray. We can pray ourselves through the grocery store. We can rely on the power that He gave us with His Spirit. God never tires from our voice and we can depend on him to meet us where we are each and every day.

And we plan. You need to come up with an eating plan that works for you in your individual situations. This may be a good time to see your doctor or a dietitian. Do your research. A great place to start is by recording what you are eating and counting the calories. You will discover in a hurry what foods are "worth" and which foods just aren't worth it. But make sure your plan is something you can live with long term-like forever. Remember this isn't a diet, it's a lifestyle change. Even more importantly than counting your calories is planning what you will eat ahead of time.

I was so resistant to this idea but I tell you it's one of the best things we have implemented in our house. It was also the most popular response when I asked the ladies that have joined me on this journey what the most helpful thing they have learned was. It takes a little effort to plan a week of meals but it's worth it.

You research your recipes. Plan out the week (or month if your ambitious) and then make your grocery list. When you go to the store you shop the perimeter (think produce, meats, dairy) and when you have to venture into the middle aisles you stick. to. the. list.  Some of the women shared that they even go ahead and prepackage their snacks for the week. And when you wake up knowing what you will you eat that day or you have that healthy snack stashed in your purse or desk drawer, it's much easier to avoid a desperate feeling situation.  You know what I'm talking about, those times when you feel you have to eat right now or you might fade away. It's really hard to make a good choice in those situations.

Next, find an accountability partner, or two. I can hear you groaning. I know this is a hard one. Asking someone to hold us accountable is not high on anyone's to do list. It means making yourself vulnerable to someone else. It means owning up to the choices your making. But in my experience the benefits far outweigh the potential for embarrassment.

The American Society of Training and Development give these statistics: the probability of achieving a goal is 10% when you hear an idea, 40% when you decide you will do it, 50% when you plan how you will do it, 65% when you commit to someone else how you will do it and 95% when you have an accountability appointment with the person you've committed to.

The Bible says this about accountability: Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can you be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

I really believe that praying, planning and accountability will help you build a solid foundation to making a positive and healthy lifestyle change.  These verses from the book of Proverbs back that up.

The plans of the godly are just. {12:5a}

Refuse good advice and watch your plans fail; 

take good counsel and watch them succeed. {15:22}

Commit your actions to the Lord, and your plans will succeed. {16:3}

Plans succeed through good counsel;

don't go to war without wise advice. {20:18}

Good planning and hard work lead to prosperity,

but hasty shortcuts lead to poverty. {21:5}

This journey will require you to make some tough sacrifices, but I've come to look at this process as embracing healthy choices rather than denying myself. There are lessons to be learned and perspectives to be gained in the season of embracing healthy choices. These will not just be physical lessons. The mental and spiritual lessons gained in this times will be the very thing that will equip you for the long haul. {Lysa TerKeurst, Made to Crave}

And remember friends, it's about progress, not perfection.

Progress, Not Perfection...Start.

*This post is intended to be apart of series of posts I'm working on. Stay tuned.*

A sweet family approached me a couple of weeks ago and asked me if I knew of any resources that could help them make a healthy lifestyle change.  I get approached with these kinds of questions quite often actually.  See, for those of you who don't know me, I'm a completely different person, inside and out than I was 2 years ago.

All my life I remember being on the heavy side. Bigger than society deemed appreciative and overweight by medical standards. I suffered from poor self-esteem which often times was more like self-loathing. I hated the way I was but the thing is, if I'm honest, I didn't want to do anything about it. I didn't want to change what I was eating. I avoided physical activity because I didn't like it and well, it was hard.

Two years ago I had just had my 3rd child. I was at the heaviest I had ever been. I was sad, depressed and lonely. I was tired of feeling guilty. I was tired of crying over what to wear when I had to go out in public. I was tired of not having any energy to play with my kids. I was tired of feeling crummy all the time. I was tired of being tired.

Then one day I decided enough was enough. I looked at my 3 girls and I knew I didn't want them to end up like me; sobbing over what to wear, avoiding mirrors, hating their bodies and eating in secret. I decided I wanted to change.

For me, my changed started with the bible study Made to Crave by Lysa TerKeurst.  Now I love this study so much that I've gone through it 5 times and every time I love it just as much as the first. However, as wonderful as this study is, it's written to the heart of a woman who struggles with food. And it should be. But where do I refer that sweet family or that man who is struggling too?

I'm no Lysa TerKeurst, but I decided I've learned a few things in the last couple years. I'm also blessed to be surrounded by 5 groups of women who are now on their on their own journeys to a healthier version of themselves and who are also a wealth of knowledge.

So this is my before and after. Quite honestly the before is a hard picture for me to look at and was even harder to find, since I was never one to want to be in front of the camera. I've lost close to 100 pounds since then. I stopped counting because at some point my goal wasn't a number on the scale anymore. It was to feel good in my own skin.

Dropping that kind of weight has had some seriously great side effects. I get sick far less often than I used to. I have less aches and pains and way more energy. And I learned first hand that when you start to feel good physically, you feel good emotionally too.

So how do you get there? You start. You decide that today is the day you want to make a change. It's not about starting a diet the won't work or won't last. I'ts not about starting some fitness boot camp. It IS about committing to changing your lifestyle...forever.  It's not looking back, it's always looking forward. It's about progress, not perfection.

It's about quieting the voice in your head that says "I can't".  It's about telling yourself that you can and you will do this. And then invite God to join you on this journey (and some friends and family too!).

It won't be fast and it won't be easy. But, friends, it is so worth it.

Lazy people want much but get little, while the diligent are prospering.

Proverbs 13:4

My joy is in her...

I had a few minutes of quiet this morning so I decided to open up my bible.  I'm not sure what prompted me to turn to Isaiah but there's where I went. So I was drinking my coffee and reading along when this verse made me stop in my tracks.

As a young man marries a young woman,

so will your Builder marry you;

as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride,

so will God rejoice over you.

Isaiah 62:5

It immediately brought these pictures to mind. The moment when Dana and I first saw each other before we were married.

As I was recalling our wedding day I remembered nothing had gone right that morning. My hairdresser was late and hungover. I couldn't find my shoes. And just before I was headed out to see my groom the zipper broke on my dress and I had to be sewn in. 

But even with all the mishaps of the morning I wasn't the least bit anxious or nervous. I was busting at the seams (or zippers apparently) with excitement and joy!  I couldn't wait to get out there, to where my groom was waiting for me. I was delighted to be his bride and couldn't wait for our life together to begin. 

I asked my husband for his take on that day and he said "I wasn't anxious, I was excitedly waiting and praying for our marriage, that it would be one that honored God. I was full of joy when I finally saw you. I was excited for a new beginning, standing next to my best friend." {He still makes me swoon.}

So I was recalling all of this extreme joy and excitement as I read the verse again.

As a young man marries a young woman,

so will your Builder marry you;

as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride,

so will God rejoice over you.

Isaiah 62:5

And it hit me that those feelings I had that day, the moments of zipper busting bliss, are how God feels about me. He wants to be our bridegroom and He rejoices over us.  

And then I had to back up a little to Isaiah 62:4

You will no longer be called "Left Alone."

Your land will no longer be called "Forgotten."

But you will be called "My joy is in her,"

and your land "Married."

For the Lord finds joy in you,

and to Him your land will be married.

The note in my bible says: How can land be Married? This is figurative. Since marriage was considered a blessing, this was a picture of God's blessings on his people who lived in the land.

When I married my husband I was no longer alone. We were one; a team.  And God tells me the same with Him. I am not alone or forgotten. He gave me a new name, "My joy is in her." And friends, this is your name too. Whatever the mishaps, troubles or difficulties you have going on in your life, you are not alone. You are not forgotten. He is blessing you. Your bridegroom finds great joy and rejoices over you. You, my friend, are His.

I'm gonna fix my eyes on Him...

Yesterday morning I read this news story about a young man who was sneakily taking pictures of young children in his neighborhood.  The pictures ended up on a Russian child pornography website and even though the pictures of these innocent children were not sexual in nature the comments that followed the pictures most certainly were.

The story gave me the creeps, the idea that some random person or even your neighbor could take pictures of your children playing at the park and post them to the internet inappropriately and you wouldn't have a clue.  And if you read the news you would know that this story is pretty mild compared to some of the insane and horrific things going on in the world.

So all morning I was walking around my house, looking at my sweet children and thinking "Oh, I wish I could raise you in a bubble."  As a mama I want to do anything to protect them from harm, whether it be physical, emotional or mental.   Wouldn't it be great to just lock us all in the house and be safe for the rest of our lives?

Then in the afternoon I checked my email and I saw one with the title "Urgent Prayer Request". Here is an excerpt:

Prayer Request from Missionaries who are in the areas that are being attacked by ISIS are asking to be showered in prayer. ISIS has taken over the town they are in today. He said ISIS is systematically going house to house to all the Christians and asking the children to denounce Jesus. He said so far not one child has. And so far all have consequently been killed. But not the parents. The UN has withdrawn and the missionaries are on their own. They are determined to stick it out for the sake of the families - even if it means their own deaths. They are very afraid, have no idea how to even begin ministering to these families who have had seen their children martyred. Yet he says he knows God has called them for some reason to be His voice and hands at this place at this time. 

Even so, they are begging for prayers for courage to live out their vocation in such dire circumstances. And like the children, accept martyrdom if they are called to do so. These brave parents instilled such a fervent faith in their children that they chose martyrdom. Please surround them in their loss with your prayers for hope and perseverance. 

Wow. I felt sick. But then God whispered to me "This is my command-be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the LORD your GOD is with you wherever you go. {Joshua 1:9} Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified because of them, for the LORD your GOD goes with you; He will never leave your or forsake you. {Deuteronomy 31:6} In this world you will have trouble. But take heart; I have overcome the world! {John 16:33} I have given Your word to My followers. The world hated them because they do not belong to the world, even as I do not belong to the world. I pray not that you take them out of the world, but that you should keep them from evil. {John 17:14-15}"

And so I prayed. I prayed for peace for those that were grieving and courage for those that were afraid. I prayed for a strength in their faith that could only come from an intimate knowledge that they were doing the work of their Creator. I prayed for open minds and open hearts. I prayed that the missionaries work would not be in vain but that God's message would be heard. I prayed that they would feel Jesus presence with them and hear His voice. I prayed that God's name would be glorified. And then I prayed that God would teach me how to raise my girls to be like those kids who lost their life. Kids who were so solid in their faith that they would not denounce the name of Jesus even if it cost them their life.  

And that was a hard prayer to pray because I know God is not asking me to raise them in a bubble or lock them in the house.  He's asking me to raise them to do His work. To go out in this crazy messed up world but to be strong enough to not be overcome by Satan's deceptions and temptations.  

It might have been easier to pray that God would just stop ISIS and call it a day. It would always be easier to ask God to give us freedom from doing His work, freedom from suffering, freedom from temptation, but we live in a fallen world and there is evil here. So instead I choose to pray for strength to do the work, joy in the suffering and power to overcome the temptation.  Instead I pray that I can fix my eyes on God and all that HE is and let him make all my worries, fears and doubts fade away. And that is my prayer for you too.

Forget about it...

I was recently talking with a someone and painful things from the past came up.  They told me "You need to FORGET about it." My immediate thought was "that's impossible."  We don't live in a world with memory erasing devices or serums and as painful as some memories are I don't want to forget them, and here's why: I've seen God use them for His good.

It was almost a year ago I was asked to share my story publicly at church in front of a lot of people. On the outside I was freaking out about this, making myself vulnerable in a room full of mostly strangers, sharing dark things like being raped...divorced...suicidal.  But the thing is God gave me such incredible peace in my mind that I stood up and did it. And then I was asked to share it again and again and again.

Now it would be really easy to park my brain in a spot that dwells on things that have haunted and damaged me. But to park there is to stay in a spot that makes me feel angry, hurt and emotionally empty. Or I can choose to park in a spot of forgiveness and grace.  If I park here than those painful things no longer have power over me; they no longer define me.  Instead I can learn and grow from them.  I can use them as a marker of sorts to see how much God has changed me or to see how far He has carried me.

The amazing thing is in the last year I've seen firsthand what it says in Romans 8:28 "and we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them". I've heard from women all over the world who have stories similar to mine who needed to hear they weren't alone.  And if I had to go through those awful things to so that someone else can hear about grace then it was worth it.

God's plan for us is so much bigger than the little snippets we see. In Isaiah 55:8 God says that His thoughts are not our thoughts and His ways not our ways, but through faith we can trust that He has a plan to use it for good. Even when it hurts.

So let's not forget what has happened in the past but let's trust that sometimes when things are falling apart they may actually be falling into place.

Sticks and stones...

During worship at church this week the pastor asked us to privately confess to God the areas with which we were struggling.  To give up the things that were pinning us down.   As I sat there thinking I couldn't come up with anything.  Now, I'm by no means perfect but what I mean is I didn't have anything huge hanging over me; nothing gnawing at the pit of my stomach. So instead I just thanked Jesus for all the things that are good in my life right now.  But there was this little voice in the back of my head, you know the one that tells you "Yeah, just wait, it's coming."  It sounds a lot like Satan.

Well, it came. It came in someone else's unkind opinion of me and it crushed me. Soon I found I was letting this person's opinion seep into every part of who I thought I was and before I knew it my opinion of myself was undoubtedly worse than their opinion of me.  So I had a decision to make, I could continue to let my thoughts ride this crazy train and fall into a pit of depression and anxiety or I could pull the brake.

I wanted to pull the brake and so I asked for prayer from my husband a few close friends.  Then I dug into the truth.  

"Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you. I've called your name, you're mine.

I'd sell off the whole world to get you back,

trade the creation just for you."

{excerpts taken from Isaiah 43:1-4 MSG}

"I am leaving you well and whole. That's my parting gift to you. Peace. 

I don't leave you the way you are used to be being left - feeling abandoned, bereft. 

So don't be upset. Don't be distraught." 

John 14:27 MSG

"If you find the godless world hating you, remember it got it's start hating me. 

If you lived on the world's terms, the world would love you as one of it's own.

But since I have picked you to live on God's terms 

and no longer on the world's terms,the world is going to hate you."

John 15:18-19 MSG

I find myself internally chanting "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." But that's simply not true. Words do hurt. But they also bring me to a decision to make: will I believe other's opinions of me or will I believe God's opinion of me?

Words may hurt me, but they won't define me. Only God's opinion can do that.

Speaking Truth: Don't let your center go undone...

Last night I gathered with a group of ladies who are going through the study Made to Crave by Lysa TerKeurst.  During the video portion of our evening Lysa recounts a story of her daughter baking a cake.  As her daughter was watching the cake bake it looked done, it smelled done, so she decided to ignore the directions and take the cake out of the oven twenty minutes early.  The cake caved in because it could not withstand the pressure of an undone center-and neither can we.

I've gone through this study several times with groups of women.  And from these sessions we have had many conversations about recipes and how to cook healthier, diets, shakes, oils, pro-biotics and vitamins.  We've talked about becoming planners and shopping the perimeter of the grocery store. We discussed how to handle emotional and social eating.  We've talked about accountability and making the courageous choice.  And these have all been important conversations and all of these things have benefit, yet last night I realized it's possible to get stuck in doing all these things, good things, but our center can still be left undone.

See we can change our outside packaging but if our center is not parked in God's truth for us we won't be victorious women. We will continue to battle poor body image and low self esteem.  The sting of sacrifice will feel great and the cravings for "treats" will be greater. And suddenly we will find ourselves in a spot where making these good changes won't feel worth it.

When I started this journey almost two years ago I found it was much easier to make outward changes, to eat less (and right) and move more, than it was to let God mess with my insides.  It became painless to make a healthy choice but it was hard to listen to God tell me who I really was, His cherished and lavishly loved child.

I spent years listening to the lies that Satan fed me. That I was fat, ugly, worthless and unlovable.  The damage was done and loosing 90 lbs and 8 dress sizes wouldn't change that.  It wasn't until I said "Okay God, here's my heart, speak what is true." that those lies started to fade.  It was letting Him speak truth to my heart and then parking there.  It was filling myself with His word instead of trying to satisfy myself with food, or relationships or "stuff". It was letting myself be God's child and accepting His love, even if I don't deserve it.

The results have been a lot less of me on the outside but sometimes I feel like my insides are overflowing with joy, peace and contentment.  As someone who has taken medication for depression, anxiety and battled suicidal thoughts for 17 years to someone who chooses God's grace and love as my drug of choice.  From someone who avoided physical exertion and ate in secret to someone who looks forward to opportunities to work out and has become a walking billboard for Made to Crave.  From someone who cried herself to sleep and had panic attacks about going out in public to someone who lays it all out here in hopes of reaching someone who is suffering so they may know that hope is not lost.

Father God, I thank for giving me the courage to share my story and I pray that you will use it for your glory! Speak truth to our hearts and please don't let our centers go undone. In Jesus precious name, Amen.

Here's my heart Lord

Here's my heart Lord

Here'e my heart Lord

Speak what is true

Be Angry...

Does anyone else feel like summer flies by at warp speed? I feel like there just aren't enough hours these days to do all the things I would like to do and I confess I have been slacking on spending time in the word and reading my devotional (and obviously my blog writing has suffered as well).  That's why I'm still reading through Lysa TerKeurst's Unglued.  It's a 60 day devotional that I've been working on for six months now.  I made some remark as to how pathetic I was for it to have taken me so long to my husband and he graciously reminded me that the Lord was giving me what I need to hear, when I need to hear it.  My husband was of course right, and I love him for reminding me.

So this morning I got settled with my coffee, dusted off my devotional, pen poised over my journal ready for whatever God had to share with me today.The verse immediately grabbed my attention: Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity. Ephesians 4:26-27

Did the Bible really just say be angry? I've heard the "do not let the sun go down on your anger" quoted hundreds of times, but I never really caught the first part.  I think so often we try to repress our emotions, unless of course they convey joy or happiness.  But God created us with a whole slew of emotions, all of which are okay.  However, we have to keep this "be angry" in context with the rest of the verse; God says "and yet do not sin". The feeling is okay, its the acting (or reacting) on the feeling that we need to keep in check.

As I read further Lysa TerKeurst describes a scene where the pizza delivery guy shows up to her home with only half of her order.  Now let me pause right there and point out to all the women who have joined me in going through Made to Crave, Lysa TerKeurst just admitted to ordering pizza.  And I doubt it was some magic zero carb, zero calorie pizza.  But I also doubt it's a weekly occurrence in her house; everything in moderation.

Moving on, so the pizza guy shows up with half of her order, apologizes and offers to be back in 20 minutes with the other half of her order.  She could have gotten mad and demanded a discount or coupons but instead she offered him grace and told him that was okay.  Her husband made the remark that he wished he could receive that kind of grace as well.  Ouch.

She went on to say how it's all to easy to give grace to someone who is a stranger, someone who our feelings are completely neutral towards.  And yet when it comes to those closest to us we spew on them.  TerKeurst describes it as having "accumulated aggravations" which lead to having "accumulated impact".

When we are close to someone and spend significant time with them it's easy to collect little annoyances.  And sure one little comment or disappointment or hurt doesn't seem such a big deal at the time but if we hang on to them  they accumulate and we eventually become angry.  While feeling angry and even hurt or disappointed is okay, we need to be so careful to not act on our anger or to spew or come unglued. Why?

Verse 27 "and do not give the devil an opportunity." Satan would love nothing better than to see you let the sun go down on your anger.  To see you explode all over the people you love.  Because then he wins.

Last night a group of ladies and I were going through our Made to Crave study when this question came up: "Is there someone in your life that for whatever reason you find it difficult to spend time with?"  We all have them but it's a convicting question.  It went on further to ask, "What if we looked at this person through a lens of compassion? What hurts or hardships does this person have?" And then the dreaded "What act of kindness could you do for this person this week?"

Often times the people that immediately come to mind when these questions are asked are people who have hurt us and make us angry.  People who we'd be perfectly content to let the sun go down on our anger for.  But instead of giving Satan an opportunity what if stopped collecting aggravations and  instead offered up grace like Lysa did for the pizza delivery guy.

Father God,
Thank you for the love and grace you lavishly give us.  Help us to live lives full of grace and show love to those closest to us as well as to those who we find difficult.  Help us to let go of the things that hurt us, disappoint us and make us angry.  We don't want to give Satan any opportunity.
In Jesus holy and precious name,
Amen.

In this world we will suffer...

I started this post a while ago but it just "didn't feel right"; it wasn't finished.  Then my good friend Shelly from Just Trying to find My Way who has been tag teaming this "Speaking Truth" project with me wrote about life being hard (it's a great post, you can find it here).  I was reading and rereading her post before it hit me that we had used the exact same verses.  I knew then, that it was time to finish this post.

In these past few weeks there have been many heart breaking requests for prayer. Tragedy. Abuse. Suicide. Broken down relationships. Sickness. Grief. Suffering.  John 16:33 says in this world we will have trouble, trials and tribulations, sorrow, affliction, oppression, suffering...  And it's so easy to get stuck here, in the suffering with the weight of the world on our shoulders. But John 16:33 goes on to say "But take heart / But take courage / But be of good cheer / But be courageous / But have confidence, I {Jesus} have overcome the world!"

There are some important things we should know about suffering. Like it won't last forever.

"He will wipe away all tears from their eyes, and there shall be no more death,

nor sorrow, nor crying, nor pain. All of that is gone forever."

Revelation 21:4

"After you have suffered a little while, our God, who is full of kindness through

Christ, will give you his eternal glory. He personally will come pick you up, 

and set you firmly in place, and make you stronger than ever."

1 Peter 5:10

God uses our suffering to correct us, mold us and to shape our character. He uses suffering to teach us endurance and strengthen our faith. He even uses pain to draw others to Himself.

"We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that

they are good for us - they help us learn to be patient. And patience develops

strength of character in us and helps us trust God more each time we us it 

until finally our hope and faith are strong and steady."

Romans 5:3-4

"Dear brothers and sisters, is your life full of difficulties and temptations? 

Then be happy, for when the way is rough, your patience has a chance to grow.

So let it grow, and don't try to squirm out of your problems. For when

your patience is finally in full bloom, then you will be ready for anything,

strong in character, full and complete."

James 1:2-4

Sometimes we make bad choices and our suffering is a result of not following God's will and sometimes we're blindsided. Like when we were asked to go to our doctor's office following a routine ultrasound and being told we would miscarry our baby. Or when our youngest came five weeks early and was sent to a hospital with a NICU an hour away before I even got to touch her. For me those things caused immense suffering and pain, yet the lessons I've learned and the joy that God has brought out of them has been far greater. 

In this life we will suffer, but there is hope because our Savior has overcome the world!

A few weeks ago I was praying for a family member who unexpectedly and tragically lost her brother and this song came on.  The words have haunted me since and I think it speaks so truly to the hope we have in Jesus.   

Come out of sadness

From wherever you've been

Come broken hearted

Let rescue being 

Come find your mercy

Oh sinner come kneel

Earth has no sorrow 

That heaven can't heal

So lay down your burdens

Lay down your shame

All who are broken

Lift up your face

Oh wanderer come home

You're not too far

Lay down your hurt

Lay down your heart

Come as you are

There's hope for the hopeless

And all those who've strayed

Come sit at the table

Come taste the grace

There's rest for the weary

Rest that endures

Earth has no sorrow

That heaven can't heal

Come as you are

Fall in His arms

Come as you are

There's joy for the morning

Oh sinner be still

Earth has no sorrow

That heaven can't heal

Come As You Are by Crowder

Mama moments...

 About a year ago I was sitting on my living room floor with two wonderful ladies from a program called Help Me Grow.  I don't remember how exactly we got hooked up with them but it was at a time we were baffled by our youngest Amelia.  Around six months she stopped sitting.  I mean the girl who could previously sit would not longer sit in a high chair, on the floor, on your lap...it seemed to cause her extreme pain. She also started struggling with eating and sleeping and it was obvious she was regressing.  We saw our primary doctor who sent us for x-rays and refereed us to a Pediatric Orthopedic Surgeon.  We worked with a chiropractor and a homeopath and somehow along the way I ended up with a case worker and a physical therapist in my living room.

They did a thorough evaluation of Amelia but the funny thing was as quickly as she "lost" everything, it came back.  They determined that she did not qualify for their program where a physical therapist would have come to our house and worked with Amelia.  As they sat there that day explaining everything to me they asked if I had any questions.  Amelia really did appear to be "back to normal" but I did have questions.  I decided to express my concerns about Lorelei and see what they thought.  See Lorelei was almost 2 and she was smart and a great communicator, she just didn't use many words.  They determined that Lorelei should be evaluated for speech therapy and low and behold she did qualify. They called it an "immature mouth" where she didn't know how to physically move her mouth and tongue to form the sounds she needed.  At the beginning of the school year a speech therapist started coming to our house once a week to work with Lorelei and we noticed improvement almost immediately.

Today I sat on my living room floor with two wonderful ladies from a program called Help Me Grow. Lorelei will be turning 3 in a few weeks and it was time to have her reevaluated to see if she continued to qualify for speech therapy services.  They compared the two evaluations and showed how one year ago Lorelei had 12-15 words she used and could be understood, now she uses sentences with up to six words.  In fact her scores are now above average. She's doing very well and no, she no longer qualifies for speech therapy.

Watching her speech develop at such a quick rate has been incredible, but seeing her come out of her shell and the confidence she has gained has been amazing.  So today I am just in awe of our Lorelei and I'm so thankful that God has entrusted us in raising her. We think she's pretty incredible.

Thank you, Lord, for turning my hard mama moments into proud mama moments.

You are an overcomer...

I had some seriously strange dreams last night but the one had me jumping out of bed and reaching for my Bible was one in which God was whispering "Don't forget about me."  I really don't remember what happened before that or why God was telling me this but it was enough to get me moving out of bed in a hurry.

I settled on the couch with my Bible, devotional, journal and a cup of coffee anxious to hear what God had for me this morning.  My devotional was on toxic thoughts and how to hold our own thoughts accountable. The devotional quoted several verses from Philippians chapter 4 so this was the next logical place to go. I'm going to paraphrase and interpret, but you can find the verses in their entirety here.

My brothers and sisters, whom I love and long for, my joy and my crown, stand firm in the Lord in this way:
Did you catch that? Whom God loves and longs for, His joy and His crown. I love that!  And that's you and that's me!

Rejoice in the Lord always. 
ALWAYS. Even when it's hard. God uses everything for His glory, even the hard stuff.

The Lord is near.
We don't know how or when or how. But we do know He has promised to come back for us.

Do not be anxious about anything. In every situation, pray, give thanks and then present your requests to God.
Oh, sometimes this is hard because it is so easy to be anxious. But God has asked us to take a deep breath...and talk to Him.

And God's peace, which we can not understand will guard your hearts and minds.
That's a promise right there for you and for me.

Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things.
Often "stinkin' thinkin'" (discouraging thoughts and temptations) come unannounced. But we can make the conscious choice to contemplate good things.  Reading uplifting verses and meditating on them, making a list of God's attributes, counting our blessings-these things can get our thinking back on track.

Whatever you have learned or heard or seen from Me - put in to practice.
Now go. Do what God has asked you to do. Imitate Him. Follow His instructions.

And the God of peace will be with you.
There's another promise friends. He's going with you.

And then let's back up to Philippians 3:16 ...Only let us live up to what we have already attained. Knowing these things is simply not enough, we are to emulate what we see in Jesus.

Friends, you are not captive to whoever it is you think you are. You are loved and longed for. You are His joy and His crown. You are an Overcomer.

Just take a breath, don't forget

Hang on to His promises

He wants you to know

Imperfect Perfection...

I am human. I make mistakes. I stumble. I fall. I stray. I take the wrong path. But God is working in me. He is making me complete, not as in finished but as in prepared to go on from here. And it hurts. The sharpening and transforming and changing. But I will let Him do what He needs to, no matter how painful because when His work is finished in me, it will all be worth it and I will finally be perfect.

The definition of perfection is being "the state of being free from flaw or defect". We are all so far from perfection in our humanness. However, we were made in perfection by the Creator of the universe. So God breathed life into Adam and Eve. When they opened their eyes, the first thing they ever saw was God's face. And when God saw them he was like a new dad. "You look like me," he said. "You're the most beautiful thing I've ever made!" God loved them with all of his heart. And they were lovely because he loved them. And Adam and Eve joined in the song of the stars and the streams and the wind in the trees, the wonderful song of love to the one who made them.Their hearts were filled with happiness. And nothing ever made them sad or lonely or sick or afraid.  God looked at everything he had made. "Perfect!" he said. And it was. {The Jesus Storybook Bible} When God looks at you, He sees the perfection of your imperfections. 

God's given you a unique story that is yours alone.  He has placed you at a specific place in time that will bring Him glory. And whatever God is bringing you through at this very moment is going to be the testimony that brings somebody else through.   And wherever you are going, He has already been there, paving the way for you.

God loves you unconditionally, as you are and not as you should be,

because nobody is as they should be.  ~ Brennan Manning

And because we are flawed, living in a fallen world God extends us grace.  Salvation. A fresh start. Our mistakes now serve a purpose instead of serving as shame. We are a work in progress.  

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made PERFECT in weakness.

2 Corinthians 12:9

You are perfect. You are loved.

'I love you', says the Lord. 'I see you, and I know you, and I love you. Period.

I know stuff about you that you don't even think I know, and yet I love you. 

I know the things you are hiding, and yet I love you.

I love you so much that even what I know about you didn't stop me from sending Jesus to the cross to die for you. In fact, the very fact that you are suffering is why Jesus went to the cross. To redeem you. My love is not an equation, something you have to earn or barter for. 

I love you-I bless you in the midst of your sin. 

Not to condone it, but to remind you of the glorious reunion that awaits when you come to me.

My blessings are to remind you of my great love and turn you into my arms. 

You cannot repay My love or My grace. You can only rejoice in it.

Do not let circumstances define God's love for you. He loves you.Period.'

{taken from Susan May Warren's "You Don't Know Me"}

Cease striving and longing for worldly perfection. Stop expecting perfection from imperfect people. Instead, extend grace and embrace your imperfect perfection.

Hello, my name is...

A couple of weeks ago I had the opportunity to share my testimony again, cardboard style.  When I was first approached with the idea I thought it sounded powerful and amazing. Basically we wrote on one side of a piece of cardboard words that described what our life was like before Christ then we would flip it over and share words of what we are now in Christ. (The best part was I didn't have to actually say anything, just hold my cardboard!)

So when I got to the planning meeting a couple weeks before the event where 225 ladies were registered to attend and I heard my sweet friend Rachel using my story as an example I freaked out a little bit (on the inside).  I couldn't stand up there in front of two hundred plus women with words like "raped", "divorced" and "suicidal" on my cardboard, could I?

God answered me with a quick and loud "Yes you can."  He reminded me that in fact I had already publicly shared those things, on a few occasions to hundreds of ears. Not to mention it was on my blog for all the world to see.  I could and would stand up there and hold my cardboard proudly because it's what God has asked me to do.

Each time I write a post or share my story I pray that God would give me the exact words that need to be heard so that some soul can find an honest way to connect with God. And I pray for those that need to hear them, that they would be in the right place physically, emotionally and mentally to hear them.  Maybe today, that person is you?

Before you watch the clip of some amazing women sharing their powerful testimonies, let me take a minute to remind you of who you are. 1 John 3 1 says "See what great love the Father has for us that He would call us His children. And that is what we are." Children of God. Beloved by God. Zephaniah 3:17 says "He will take delight in you with gladness...He will rejoice over you with joyful songs." What does that sound like? Maybe the applause of heaven? Can you hear it, friend?

You are God's child and that means He is crazy about you.  And that doesn't change. Not when we do something stupid and not when terrible things happen in our lives. God's love simply is.  You are forgiven. You are chosen by the creator of the universe to be His. And while it may feel impossible to be undeserving and favored all at the same time, you are.

At the end of the clip you will hear my sweet, sweet friend Rachel challenging the women in the audience to take off their name tag and write their new name, who they are in Christ.   Revelation 2:17 says that one day we will all receive a white stone with our new name engraved upon it.

The link to the video of our cardboard testimonies is below.  I encourage you to watch and then write yourself a new name, maybe on something white.  I'd love to hear what your new name is, feel free to comment and share.

Cornerstone Church Women's Extravaganza's Cardboard Testimonies

You are beautiful...

I mentioned in my last post how self esteem was always something I struggled with.  I always had this image in my head of how I should look and of course it wasn't even close to the way God had actually made me.  I gained a lot of weight with my first pregnancy and when I got pregnant again three years later I hadn't lost any of it.  I told myself over and over this was just who I was now.  I think I truly believed I couldn't change.

I didn't gain as much with Lorelei.  In fact all the weight I had gained I lost after giving birth.  But my body had changed.  Things got wider and spread out and I found the clothes I had worn before I was pregnant didn't fit quite right anymore.  We had a wedding and a couple of holiday events to go to and I was desperate for something to fit me, to make me feel pretty so my husband agreed to take me shopping.

We got to the strip mall that had the store with the semi-stylish affordable plus size clothing.  I went in while my husband listened to the game on the radio.  I wandered around picking up things that I thought might look good on me and items that maybe weren't so cute but might conceal my "problem" areas.  Three trips through the dressing room later and my chest was tight and I had to get out of there.  I was sobbing before I made it into the passenger seat of the car.  There was nothing that was going to make me beautiful.

After I calmed down I begged my husband to just take me home. Instead he came around to my side, took my hand and led me back into the store.  He wandered around with me picking up things he thought would look nice on me and when we had a pile he shielded his eyes and marched right into the dressing room with me. Once inside the cramped space he stood in front of the mirror like a body guard.  I tried things on and he refused to let me look in the mirror.  He gave me his honest (and gentle) opinion on the things I tried on but he told me to only buy the things that made me feel good, because that was all that mattered.

When we got home I asked him to remove the full length mirror from our closet and he did.  I started focusing on how my husband saw me, beautiful and attractive, instead of what I thought I looked like.  Now when I try things on at the store and even when I great ready at home, I do a quick glance in the mirror, you know to make sure it's not inside out or something embarrassing, but then I focus on how it makes me feel.  If I feel good then I'm going to be comfortable and confident and my beauty will shine.

Maybe you don't have a husband or a friend who'd be willing to physically go in that dressing room with you and guard you from the mirror, but Jesus is always with you. Let Him whisper to you that you are beautiful. You are His, created in His image for His pleasure.  The creator of all things created you and adores you above all things. You are the most stunning of His creation.   Let it resonate in your soul.

We need not try to love ourselves more. We need to receive God's incredible love for us.  His perfect, undying, never ending, never giving up, always and forever love for us.  See yourself as God see's you, perfect in your imperfection. You are beautiful.

You are worthy...

About a month ago my friend Shelly from Just Trying to find My Way spoke at a women's event at church; she talked about having those friends in your life that would speak truth to her when she was feeling low, depressed, lonely, sad.  It stuck with me.  We all need someone to speak truth to us.

Since then God has revealed a series of blog posts He wants me to write.  Blogs that will speak truth to you about who you are, regardless of who you think you are.  And while I've been busy outlining my ideas and getting Shelly to agree to help me tag team the topics and dreaming of where we could go with this I've been finding it incredibly hard to find time, inspiration and motivation to start.  I know these are Satan's attempts to stop me, because he doesn't want you to hear what I have to say.  Satan wants you to continue putting yourself down, beating yourself up, lying to yourself about who you are.

Ever since I can remember I was my own worst enemy.  Everything I did was never enough.  I never lived up to my own expectations.  My standards were far from attainable. I was always pushing myself to do more and to do it better...to be better, to be someone else.  And when I compared myself to everyone else I fell short there too.  My goal was perfection and and I was so imperfect.

In high school I worked two and three jobs and kept good grades.  I took college classes my junior and senior years to get ahead and save myself some money.   I was the one that volunteered to work on nights like homecoming because that was easier than having to hang out with my friends. My relationships with boys were drama filled and I let them use me. I walked around with a plastic smile on my face telling everyone that everything was okay, good in fact...but on the inside I was a hot mess waiting to explode.

My self esteem was at an all time low after our first daughter was born. I had always struggled with my physical appearance.  My curly hair and the size of my jeans were never in style.  I could count on one hand the number of times in my life I had felt pretty.  I gained a lot of weight with the pregnancy and it made me call myself all sorts of names I would never allow anyone else to call me.  I struggled as a new mom, again with impossible ideals.

I began having severe panic attacks and they usually were centered around having to leave the house.  It started with having to get dressed up to go to church.  Then being afraid someone I knew might see me at the grocery store.  Then worry of what my family or in-laws would think of me at holidays. It even progressed to when my husband would leave for work, because I was no longer leaving the house.  I'd find myself crying inconsolably on the bedroom floor loathing everything about myself and refusing to hear any truth my husband tried to speak to me.

Until one day it hit me.  I had a little girl. A little girl who was starting to imitate her mommy.  I didn't want to be this person anymore. I wanted to be a good example for her.  So I started to pray, begging God to speak truth to me through His word.  Somewhere along the way I went to a Women's Retreat at a bible camp.  I got put in a "rustic" cabin full of women I didn't know. I never went to bible camp as a kid and I had just started leaving the house again so this was a HUGE step out of my comfort zone.  The first night at chapel we were asked to turn to the person next to us (who happened to be my bunk mate and now best friend Shelly) and tell them one thing we like about our self.  A simple question that I had no answer to.

I kept seeking answers though and God continued to reveal Himself to me.  He showed me that my value is not determined by what others think of me and it's certainly not determined by what I think of me.  My value is determined by what God thinks of me.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

He also reminded me I am His. His child.  His cherished possession. His treasure. Loved, wanted and adored.

We are children of God through faith in Jesus Christ

But you are the ones chosen by God, chosen for the high calling of priestly work,

chosen to be a holy people, God's instruments to do His work and speak out

for Him, to tell others of the night and day difference He made for you -

from nothing to something, from rejected to accepted.

He told me that I am worthy of love and affection. Worth more than I could ever comprehend. Worth more than the whole world. Worth dying for.

For God so loved the world, that He gave His one and only Son, 

whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.

We can understand someone dying for a person worth dying for, 

and we can understand how someone good and noble
 can inspire us to selfless sacrifice. 

But God put His love on the line for us by offering 

His Son in a sacrificial death while we were of no use whatsoever to Him.

You are not the standard and you don't set the standard.  The only standard we need to hold ourselves to is one of grace, not perfection. So friend, let me tell you regardless of who you think you are, the reality is you deserve someone who would die for you.  Someone who knows your inmost being.  Someone who accepts you, loves you, cherishes you and thinks you are absolutely wonderful. You are worthy.