Since then God has revealed a series of blog posts He wants me to write. Blogs that will speak truth to you about who you are, regardless of who you think you are. And while I've been busy outlining my ideas and getting Shelly to agree to help me tag team the topics and dreaming of where we could go with this I've been finding it incredibly hard to find time, inspiration and motivation to start. I know these are Satan's attempts to stop me, because he doesn't want you to hear what I have to say. Satan wants you to continue putting yourself down, beating yourself up, lying to yourself about who you are.
Ever since I can remember I was my own worst enemy. Everything I did was never enough. I never lived up to my own expectations. My standards were far from attainable. I was always pushing myself to do more and to do it better...to be better, to be someone else. And when I compared myself to everyone else I fell short there too. My goal was perfection and and I was so imperfect.
In high school I worked two and three jobs and kept good grades. I took college classes my junior and senior years to get ahead and save myself some money. I was the one that volunteered to work on nights like homecoming because that was easier than having to hang out with my friends. My relationships with boys were drama filled and I let them use me. I walked around with a plastic smile on my face telling everyone that everything was okay, good in fact...but on the inside I was a hot mess waiting to explode.
My self esteem was at an all time low after our first daughter was born. I had always struggled with my physical appearance. My curly hair and the size of my jeans were never in style. I could count on one hand the number of times in my life I had felt pretty. I gained a lot of weight with the pregnancy and it made me call myself all sorts of names I would never allow anyone else to call me. I struggled as a new mom, again with impossible ideals.
I began having severe panic attacks and they usually were centered around having to leave the house. It started with having to get dressed up to go to church. Then being afraid someone I knew might see me at the grocery store. Then worry of what my family or in-laws would think of me at holidays. It even progressed to when my husband would leave for work, because I was no longer leaving the house. I'd find myself crying inconsolably on the bedroom floor loathing everything about myself and refusing to hear any truth my husband tried to speak to me.
Until one day it hit me. I had a little girl. A little girl who was starting to imitate her mommy. I didn't want to be this person anymore. I wanted to be a good example for her. So I started to pray, begging God to speak truth to me through His word. Somewhere along the way I went to a Women's Retreat at a bible camp. I got put in a "rustic" cabin full of women I didn't know. I never went to bible camp as a kid and I had just started leaving the house again so this was a HUGE step out of my comfort zone. The first night at chapel we were asked to turn to the person next to us (who happened to be my bunk mate and now best friend Shelly) and tell them one thing we like about our self. A simple question that I had no answer to.
I kept seeking answers though and God continued to reveal Himself to me. He showed me that my value is not determined by what others think of me and it's certainly not determined by what I think of me. My value is determined by what God thinks of me.
He also reminded me I am His. His child. His cherished possession. His treasure. Loved, wanted and adored.
He told me that I am worthy of love and affection. Worth more than I could ever comprehend. Worth more than the whole world. Worth dying for.
You are not the standard and you don't set the standard. The only standard we need to hold ourselves to is one of grace, not perfection. So friend, let me tell you regardless of who you think you are, the reality is you deserve someone who would die for you. Someone who knows your inmost being. Someone who accepts you, loves you, cherishes you and thinks you are absolutely wonderful. You are worthy.
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