Best and Worst of 2013...

My photo a day prompt the other day was "the best bits of 2013" and yet as I sit here and reflect on the year I can't help but remember "the worst bits of 2013".  The year began in a dark place for me, full of isolation and heavy with tears.  Feeling cold, empty, confused and alone.

 And yet I don't want to forget it. I don't want to forget the feeling of coming out of that dark place into glorious sunshine.  Arriving in a place full of healing and grace and hope.

There's an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth:

A right time for birth and another for death,

A right time to plant and another to reap,

A right time to kill and another to heal,

A right time to destroy and another to construct,

A right time to cry and another to laugh,

A right time to lament and another to cheer,

A right time to make love and another to abstain,

A right time to embrace and another to part,

A right time to search and another to count your losses,

A right time to hold on and another to let go,

A right time to rip out and another to mend,

A right time to shut up and another to speak up,

A right time to love and another to hate,

A right time to wage war and another to make peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Father God, grant me discernment in 2014. Help me to understand what "time" it is.  Guide me through the next year's challenges and help me to celebrate the moments of joy.  Remind me I can't have the best bits without also having the worst bits, but that you are there no matter what time it is.  Thank you Lord for your grace. Thank you for you love. Amen.

Revolution...

I've received such a crazy wonderful response from sharing my testimony.  Thank you so much to those of you who prayed and shared your kind words with me.  I'm flattered and humbled.  My story is mine, but the words, Jesus gave them all to me and then gave me the courage to share them.

I gave my testimony twice, once at our Christmas Eve Eve service and again on Christmas Eve.  That first day, last Monday, I was so nervous.  I was practicing reading it to no one and I couldn't even get through it without hyperventilating.  I finally just had to stop practicing and trust that God would take care of it.

I was feeling attacked from every direction that day. I woke up with a terrible headache and a sore throat. My kids were fighting and whinny and clingy and I was so short with them.  I took Eva to a friends house to have two very loose teeth pulled out and she of course handled it in her own dramatic fashion. While I was gone Mia puked all over Dana while he was home for lunch.

I was mad at that point.  I said "Satan, you can mess with me, but leave my kids alone!"  I called upon my own personal prayer warriors and both girls were fine after that.

By the time I got to church my heart was racing and my knees were knocking.  I told myself over and over, "This is not about me, it's all about Jesus."  I missed most of the worship songs and the sermon and then my husband was letting me know it was time to make our way to the front, I think I went in to autopilot.  Before I knew it I was at the microphone reading my prepared testimony.  I even caught myself looking up now and again.  I was thankful that that the spotlight prevented me from really seeing anyone, except one lady sitting in the second row, her smile so friendly and radiating.  Before I knew it we were singing "Silent Night" and it was over.

The response and the hugs I got after was amazing.  My husband and I stayed up late talking and giddy.  The next morning I woke up expecting to be attacked again but I wasn't.  The day was so peaceful, I was so excited to share what Jesus had given me again.  Then I found out that 18 people had chosen to put their faith in Christ from the previous services. I was pumped!  This time I enjoyed the music and the sermon. My heart did still flutter as I headed up front but there were no knocking knees or hyperventilating. Whew!

There aren't even adequate words to describe how wonderful the whole experience was. And that a total of thirty four people chose a life following Jesus was the icing on the cake. Hallelujah!

The next couple of days were spent with family doing the normal Christmas-y things but I couldn't help but feel such a let down. Pretty soon I was weepy at the drop of a hat. I was having trouble sleeping. I fell into my old patterns of negative, self destructive talk in my head.  What was wrong with me? Didn't I just tell a whole lot of people that Jesus had taken that all from me? I was feeling like such a failure.

The windchill was 34 below zero this morning when we loaded up our troop for church.  I was not very excited to be going to church and even less excited about taking our little girls out in the cold.  But my husband, being himself would not relent. (More often than not I am thankful for this later, but not in the moment.)

The sermon was about a New Year's Revolution as opposed to a resolution.  A revolution is a sudden, complete or marked change. Our pastor said that we could choose to focus on our wounds, our hurt, our challenges or we could move forward and choose life. (Deuteronomy 30:19)

Then our pastor challenged me. He asked if we were following the 'natural path' or if we were fixing our eyes on Jesus and following His path? Do I know how God sees me?

And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.
2 Corinthians 3:18

The Lord sees us in all of our potential and who He has created us to be. Perfectly and wonderfully made. And then, in one of my favorite verses of the whole Bible it says "The LORD your God is with you. He is mighty to save.  He will take great delight in you. The quietness of His love will calm you. He will sing with joy because of you." Zephaniah 3:17

Friends, what I need is so much bigger that anything this world can offer me.  What I need is a mighty savior.  One who doesn't see me as a failure, sitting in my pit of negativity, worry and fear.  Instead He sees me as His child and in His image.  He takes delight in me! In me!

On the brink of a revolution, I am claiming this verse for my 2014:

"Trust me", He said...

A few weeks ago I received an email asking me if I would consider sharing my testimony at our church's Christmas Eve service. I literally started hyperventilating while reading it and yet, my head was screaming "Yes!".  What?!?

A friend of mine happened to stop by right after I got the email and she said sweetly "We'll just pray about it."  And pray we did.  Even though my body started to panic every time I thought about it my head remained very calm. I took this as God's prompting and agreed.

Every day I prayed God would give me the words he wanted me to share.  And the days flew by and I still had nothing.  I found myself sitting in church last week, trying to watch my 2 year old sing "Away in the Manager" but my heart was racing and my palms were sweating and I was panicking.

I found myself explaining to God that Christmas was just over a week away (like He didn't know or something). I needed the words! I needed them now! And then this peace washed over me and He said "Trust me." and I didn't have any choice but to do just that.

The next day I sat down with my pastor. I thought maybe if I knew what to expect from the service that it would help me to get started.  He went over the order of the service with me and told me what he had planned for the sermon. Then he encouraged me to write it like a blog post and that part was genius.

I sat down that night and the words flowed out of my fingertips and across the keys almost faster than I could type. I realized that I had had to wait for the words until I knew what the sermon was going to be on. I sent it off to my pastor and he helped me clarify a few points and then told he told me it was perfect. I even started to get a little excited about sharing it and how God would use it.

I was laying in bed one night, unable to sleep when I was struck with absolute fear.  I realized some of the things I was going to share in my testimony I hadn't ever really said out loud, except to my husband. I have shared most of it here before but maybe I'm naive enough to think there is a certain anonymity with my blog.  It's so easy to hit "publish", put on my jammies and crawl in to bed.

And then there was the alarm I felt when my husband said we should invite our families.  It's not that I didn't want them there, I do.  It's just that I don't want them to come to hear me. I don't want anyone to come to hear me because it's not about me.  It's all about Jesus.

Then just this morning a sweet friend texted me to say she was praying for me and asking if I was anxious.  I told her that I've been keeping myself distracted with my girls and reciting verses in my head all morning. I also shared, at the risk of sounding superficial, that I was most worried about having to "get ready".  I still don't know what I'm going to wear, or do with my hair or how I'll cover my face.  This is always when Satan attacks me, when I'm trying to make myself "presentable".

And she responded with "In Matthew when he talks about worry he specifically says "don't worry about what you will wear"...I know this is really a metaphor, but it's not worth our time. Pray instead that no matter how you look people see the Holy Spirit in you. How beautiful is that to look at?!"

I realized that this had been my prayer all along. That God would receive the glory. That I could be His vessel to share His message. And so here it is:

It’s been nearly 20 years since I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I had seen councilors, taken various prescription medications and gone through an outpatient treatment program to learn coping skills. Most of the time I just felt numb.

About 10 years ago I was driving along a stretch of highway 22 between here and Hutchinson crying my eyes out.  I was tired of going through my days in a fog, feeling sad and lonely and broken.  I didn’t know where else to turn. I had lost hope.  I pulled my car over and in desperation cried out for Jesus to enter my heart and to fix me.

I was naive enough to think I would feel some miraculous healing, but I didn’t.  I did however start going back to church. I had grown up going to church sometimes and to Sunday school most of the time.  I knew all the Bible stories and had memorized verses but after I was confirmed there just didn’t seem to be a lot of reason for me to keep going to church.

 I met my husband at church.  He accepted me and all my imperfection and has shown me every day what unconditional love looks like.  It felt like walking out of a dark forest and feeling the sunshine on your face.  I thought I had found a cure in my faith.

Somewhere after the birth of our first daughter, Eva the joy started to slip away. I started to close in on myself. Even though I had Jesus in my life now, a doting husband and a precious baby, it wasn't enough. We struggled financially. We had a miscarriage and then had our daughters Lorelei and Amelia 14 months apart.

There were so many highs and lows I couldn't keep up and somewhere along the way I lost myself in the gloom.  Last winter I found myself admitting to my husband that I was having thoughts of taking my life. Even though I firmly believed I wouldn't act on them it scared me that they were there, inside my head. So I made a choice.

I chose to once again to cry out to Jesus, not to fix me this time, but to lead me. First He led me to a bible study called Made to Crave.  It changed not only the way I thought about food but the way I looked at myself.  It made me rediscover who I was as God’s child. Loved, accepted and wanted.

Then He led me to take a long hard look at my family.  My relationship with Dana was not what it should be so I chose to focus on showing him love, everyday. The depth of our love now has grown immensely. Most days my kids left me feeling tired and drained so I decided to seek joy in everyday things and to give thanks at the end of each day.  Now it’s hard not to look at my kids in complete awe.

I sought out God’s promises for me and I surrounded myself with them and then ever so slowly the negativity stopped ruling my days.  God began restoring my passion and my hope.  He began healing broken relationships in my life. He lifted the fog from my eyes and He filled me with joy. 

I once was lost but now I am found.

If you would like to join us in worship of our King at Cornerstone, services are at 7 pm tonight and 3:30 pm and 5:00 pm tomorrow (Christmas Eve).  *The 3:30 pm service will be directed towards families with young children.*

Answered prayers...

I was chatting with my husband tonight and we were discussing his going back to school.  I asked him if he remembers what prompted him wanting to go back and neither one of us can remember the conversation or how it went.  And yet from the very first time he asked me if I thought he could do it, which wasn't that long ago (we're talking weeks) it's felt completely right.

Absolutely everything has gone entirely smoothly from applying, to transferring credits from ten years ago (they took everything except zoology?), to registering from classes. His employer has been absolutely supportive and flexible. The head of the manufacturing engineering department very helpful.  We were just waiting for the financial piece to fall into place and he'd be set to start classes in a few weeks.

I received a message from my husband at 2:02 pm today telling me that he had gotten the email stating he'd get 'x' amount of money, probably just enough to cover tuition and books.  This news in and of it itself was fantastic but my stomach dropped a bit and I asked him, "but how will we get you a laptop?"  We had hoped the money he was going to get would cover a laptop as well.  I knew that a laptop was not in our budget, especially now at Christmas but that it was essential for him in his schooling.

He replied with "I don't know." I loathe when he says that.  He's the guy who always knows.  I count on him knowing.  When he says "I don't know." I panic.

Thankfully I didn't have a lot of time to get myself real worked up.  At 3:02 pm today I got another message from my husband.  It said "your brother just told me he won a laptop at work and that I could use it for school."

Wow.

My response was the same one I gave him when he asked me to marry him, "Are you kidding?".  I mean why would he kid about either of these things, but I had to know if he was serious.  He said he was not kidding, my brother had just sent him a text.

My brother stopped by after work tonight and dropped off the laptop.  He already has a laptop and wasn't even going to bother entering the drawing but my mom said he should because 1. he is constantly winning the prizes at work, it's so ridiculous I'm surprised they still let him enter them and 2. she was sure that Dana could use it even if my brother couldn't.

I have seen God work in our life and I have seen him answer our prayers but I don't know that I have ever seen it so quickly or so blatantly.  It kind of takes my breath away.

I never doubted that my husband could go back to school.  I know he'll do amazingly well like he does with everything else.  I know that the next few years won't be easy with him working full time and going to school part time but I do know that this is exactly what he is supposed to be doing.  God has made that perfectly clear.

Happier giving than getting...

My six year old daughter is awesome.  She is smart and kind and funny.  And she has this not so subtle dramatic flair about her. So I didn't hesitate to sign her up for a Little Actors class last summer and she discovered she loved the spotlight, go figure.

A couple of months ago we learned of auditions for The Best Christmas Pageant Ever and let her try out.  She snagged a spot in the angel choir and a had a couple of lines.  After five long weeks of practice it was performance time.  I was able to go to all three productions and each time she delivered her lines, "Mrs. Bradley, you can have my baby brother for Jesus! .... He's not new. He's four years old. But he's double jointed and he could probably scrunch up." I cried happy, proud mama tears.  

Her confidence on the stage was visible as you could clearly hear her singing (off key) but it was music to my ears.  One of those mom moments when you thought for sure you heart would burst and overflow with love and joy.

She came home from her cast party on a high from performing, mixed with a bit of sugar.  We had her settled in bed, reading and trying to unwind and find and sleep. I was clearly not thinking when I choose that moment to go in to her room to show her the fantastic present I had found for her gift exchange at school. A giant Little Mermaid coloring book, an amazing find for $3.

She started to sob. She agreed it was fantastic, so great that she wanted it for herself. I tried to turn it into a teaching moment but quickly grew frustrated by her tears and stubbornness and my husband took over trying to reason with her. 

She had made a good argument that almost made me cave though.  She was worried about what she would get.  Surely, if she was to give away such a large and fantastic thing she should get something equally amazing in return.  See last year in her class's gift exchange she got hand sanitizer.  Even if it was Strawberry Shortcake and came with a cool little clip to hook it to your backpack, it was hand sanitizer. I felt bad that she had gotten such a bummer of a gift but I tried to explain how good it would feel to make someone happy with that gift and that in the end it wouldn't matter what she got.  I thought for sure that all my words had fallen on deaf ears.  It was one of those mom moments when I my heart felt heavy and like it might crack from the pressure.

We gave her three options and told her to think it over.  1. She could keep the giant coloring book, but she would have to miss out on her Christmas party at school.  2. We could return the coloring book and she could pick out something herself to put in the gift exchange. 3. She could make the choice to give it away and not worry about what she would in turn receive.

The next day I asked her if she had thought about what she would do.  She replied "I decided to give it away.  There was a little voice in my head or something that told me it is better to give than to receive. Or maybe I read it somewhere."

I wanted to shout "That was my voice in your head!" but I knew it had been the Holy Spirit talking to her, working on her thoughts.  I told her that she had indeed read it somewhere, for "give more than you receive" is one of our "house rules". I told her that mommy and daddy had gotten that little tidbit right out of the Bible and that surprised her. So we grabbed her Bible and turned to Acts 20:35 and I had her read aloud "In everything I did, I showed you that by this kind of hard work we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said: 'It is more blessed to give than to receive.'"

Que bursting heart of love and joy.

Living water...

I was catching up with a friend yesterday. I told her how I felt like I was on top of a proverbial mountain; how God was bringing such peace and restoration to my life.  How I felt that God was revealing to me a purpose in my life and giving me the words to share with others.  It's an absolutely glorious feeling.

Yet I can't help but feel anxious at the same time, because I've been on the mountain top before and it's usually followed by a trip through the valley.  I feel like I just emerged from the valley, I don't want to go back there!

Then she shared with me this illustration: if I was a serious mountain climber I would never be able to hang out on the mountain top for very long.  The air is thin there and it would be dangerous to stay there too long.  And then she asked me, why do we fight the valley? Valleys are typically very beautiful.

I mulled this over for a while and then I found myself googling "valley".  I came up with a lot words like low, dark, foggy which are intimidating words.  But what I also found is that almost every definition or description of a valley said "often having a river or stream flowing through it".

I immediately recalled the story of Jesus talking to the Samaritan woman at the well. Jesus asks her for a drink and she taken aback because Jews did not associate with Samaritans and Jesus says to her "If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would given you living water." (John 4:10). She asks where to find this living water and Jesus says "Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life." (verses 13 & 14).

I dug a little deeper and found John 7:37-39 Now on the last day, the day of the great feast, Jesus stood and cried out, saying, "If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink. He who believes in Me, as the scripture said, 'From his inmost being will flow rivers of living water.'"  But this he spoke of the Spirit, whom those who believed in Him were to receive; for the Spirit was not yet given because Jesus was not yet glorified.

It's a simple and well known fact that our physical bodies need water to live. But God designed us that we would need water to spiritually live too; living water, the Holy Spirit.  So as marvelous as these mountain tops are I think walking through the valley is what allows us to drink in the living water.

Surprisingly, a trip through the valley doesn't sound as scary, maybe even a little exciting.  Knowing that God will be there guiding my path and restoring my soul...

The Lord is my Shepard, I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures;

He leads me beside quiet waters.

He restores my soul; 

He guides me in the path of righteousness

For His name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley

of the shadow of death, 

I fear no evil,

for You are with me;

Your rod and Your staff,

they comfort me.

Psalm 23:1-4

Attitude...

I'm not sure who said "Attitude is everything." but they were so right.  Yesterday I was having one of those days where it was just so hard to have a good attitude about anything.  The harder I tried the more I got sucked in my own negativity.  I was tired and tired of feeling tired. The kids were cranky. It was snowing...a lot.  Then I finally had to say enough is enough.  I put Mia down for a nap and then put in a good workout of putting Lorelei in her snow gear.  We went outside to play and wait for Eva to get home from school and I could feel my bad attitude blow away with the swirling snowflakes.

I know it's not always that easy.  I spent many months trapped in my negativity.  It was last winter in fact.  To protect our baby who was born premature we decided to spend the winter "hibernating".  What that boiled down to was I left the house twice a week.  Once to grocery shop and once to go to bible study.  The walls of my already small house quickly closed in on me.

When Mia was about 8 months (and 4 months into hibernation) she started to regress if you will.  She simply stopped sitting and refused to be put in a sitting position.  She wasn't doing well with eating baby food and then she started to struggle with bottles too.  Now for a mama who has been hibernating for 4 months with a baby and a danger-seeking curious one year old it was almost more than I could take.

There was particular day that was going very badly.  It must have been the weekend because my husband and Eva were home to witness my frustration.  I was trying to feed Mia and she was struggling and refusing.  I threw the bottle across the room. It broke open leaving a sticky trail of formula down the wall and puddled on the floor.  I set Mia down on the floor and simply walked out of the house, slamming the door.  I got in the car and started driving, nowhere.  I was crying so hard I probably shouldn't have been driving but I felt like if I didn't escape my bad attitude it was going to make me explode.

It's funny what we do when our attitudes go south.  Kids throw tantrums.  I myself tend to cry, yell, slam doors...similar to a tantrum I suppose.  I wish I had the restraint of my husband.  When he's having a bad day he disappears to the basement and tackles the laundry with increased fervor. Somedays I think he's superhuman but I'm pretty sure God put us together so that he would balance my erratic ups and downs.

It was shortly after that episode when I witnessed one of Eva's tantrums.  I could so clearly see myself in her that it quite frankly scared me.  I didn't want to be this way and I didn't want her to think it was okay.  So began mission good attitude.

It involved a lot of prayer, continuous prayer to see things the way God sees them.  I had been participating in an online photo a day challenge for some time by then but it was amazing the way I started seeing differently.  Seeing beauty and being awestruck.

I kept a journal handy, on the top of the page I wrote "Joy is..." and everyday I would challenge myself to see joy in things and write it down and then reread it a hundred times. In those really, really frustrating moments I would go in another room and take deep breathes or if Dana was home I'd head for a walk or a bath or my bedroom.  And ever so slowly my negativity stopped ruling my days.

One night Dana and I sat down and wrote out a list of "house rules" to serve as a reminder to us and as an example to our kids of who we are and strive to be.  It did get a bit lengthy but we did it with the understanding that none of us are perfect, but there is grace. We keep it displayed in our kitchen, the hub of our home, so we all can see it.  And when an issue arises we can gently point out "rule number 12...." or whichever applies.

I was watching Veggie Tales "Sweetpea Beauty" with my girls and there was a part that struck me and has stayed with me.  Prince Larry says "How is it that you find beauty in everything?" Sweetpea replies "I don't. It's God who see the beauty in everything. I just choose to agree with him."

And so I choose to agree with him too and things (and my attitude) are ever so much brighter.

Rejoice...

For the last several months I have had this nagging cough.  The kind that keeps you awake at night but doesn't bother you during the day so you forget all about it.  I've tried everything I can think of to get rid of the cough but it continues to linger.

Last week the cough sparked a mighty asthma attack. One that forced me to abandon my cart at Wal-mart and go home (being me, I did return everything that I had placed in my cart to it's proper place on the shelf before ditching the cart).  I laid on the living room floor wondering at what point I would ask my husband to take me to the ER.  He meanwhile was googling ways to help me breathe.  He came across a homeopathic remedy that was said to help and asked if it was one I had on hand.  It just so happened to be the same one a friend had dropped off that afternoon.  I took and with in minutes I was breathing again. Divine intervention.

The next morning I woke up feeling like I had swallowed razor blades and so completely wiped out from the lack of sleep and the latest attack. My husband told me enough was enough and urged me to go and get some chest x-rays.  As I waiting for the doc to take a look at them I didn't know how to pray.  Let there be something wrong so that the doctor can treat me and the cough will go away? Let everything be okay but, Lord, please take the cough away?  The chest x-rays were clear.  However the doctor did inform me I had both a sinus infection and an ear infection.  My sinuses and my ear weren't even bothering me! Why Lord? Why is it always something?

About an hour after my 6 year old came home from school that day I noticed what looked like a rash appearing on her face.  As the evening progressed hives started to spread all over body. Early the next morning I heard her calling for me.  I bolted out of bed to find her throwing up. When she stood up she started to cry and panic saying everything had gone black and she couldn't see.  We headed to the ER.  The doc was stumped as to what was causing the hives that were continuing to get worse but said it wasn't uncommon not to know the cause.  That night the hives continue to spread until she was covered from her head to her toes.  My anxiety was through the roof.  Why God, why?

As I tucked Eva in bed that night I saw that she had copied a bible verse and it hung it on her closet door.

But Lord, I am so miserable and so tired!  I am worried about my little girl and tomorrow is Thanksgiving! You want me to Rejoice?!?!

I was expressing my irritation to my husband about how there was "always something".  His reply made me think.  He said that maybe it was to keep me humble and dependent on God, like the thorn in Paul's side.

Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in my weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.  2 Corinthians 12:7b-10

So I will rejoice for this cough in my chest and know that God's power is being made perfect in my weakness.  

Move...

A few weeks ago our pastor was preaching a sermon on being fully engaged in worship.  He was delivering a great message and hitting all his points when he got to "if you want be fully engaged in worship you have to move". He whipped out a 100 dollar bill and said it was to go to whoever moved to get it first. It went to some ten-ish year old boy sitting near the front.

I was sitting towards the back that day with two dear friends on one side of me and a young man on the other.  I didn't stand a chance...not that I actually tried.

It was then that God began speaking to me about the young man to my left.  I knew this young man.  In fact we were family who had grown very distant.  In my dark days I had built thick, strong, tall walls guarding myself.  This of course did nothing but bring about tension, unease and general discord which lead to a chasm that seemed far to wide to bridge.

God said to me "You have to make the first move."

I argued with God.  "I don't want to. It will be too hard and too uncomfortable. I don't even know what I'd say. It's been too long. What if he doesn't understand? What if he doesn't care? What if I just make a mess of things (again)?"

God said again "You have to make the first move."

"But God," I said, "I wouldn't know where to start. Lord give me the words to say to explain so he'll understand. So I can make things right again."

The pastor was moving on with the sermon, reading from Psalm 95, the part where it warns against your heart becoming hard.

My stomach in knots, I tried again. "God, why today? I'm too scared.  I can't do this. Tell me what to do. Give me the courage.  I can't do this without you."

Now we were singing and taking offering and I knew the service was quickly coming to an end.  I felt like I was visibly shaking by this point.  The pastor stood up and gave one last call to "move" in our faith.

God said to me "Hug him."

I'm pretty sure I laughed.  "Really? You want me to hug him. He's not going to hear me out let alone accept a hug.  Oh Lord..."

Everyone was standing, ready to head out of the church.  Here goes nothing.  I leaned over to put my arm around the young man in an attempt to do the half hug thing thinking "But God, what am I supposed to say?"

That's when I was enveloped in a bear hug and I started to sob right there on his shoulder.  My walls and all my hesitations just crumbled right on the floor of the sanctuary that day.  We didn't talk long.  I apologized and he reassured me that we were still family and that he loved me and that we'd get through this too.

I was bubbling over with excitement to share the experience with my husband when I got home.  Since then we've gotten together, as family, and started walking down a glorious path of reconciliation.  Thank you Lord, for asking me to move.

Thankful...

Thanksgiving is just a few days away.  The trend of saying something you are thankful for each day is spreading like wildfire on Facebook.  Today at church we had the opportunity to jot something down on a leaf and decorate barren trees.  I love this!

Last year about this time I found members of our family (myself included) entering the holiday season with the "I want" attitude.  I decided this had to be nipped in the bud immediately.  I bought a large piece of tag board and hung it in our dinning room.  Each night we began going around the table and saying something we were thankful for that day and then writing it down.

We made it to Christmas and I thought...

WHAT IF WE WERE THANKFUL ALL YEAR?

So we kept at it.  We're on our third piece of tag board now. We keep them all hung in a place we can see them and it's great to reflect on.  That awesome sunrise...that great run...God's provision...playing with a friend...cheese.  They're all on there.

But what about when it's hard to be thankful?

There are bad days.  Days that even though I have a roof over my head, clothes on my body and food in my belly the last thing I want to do is be thankful.  Days when everything that could go wrong, did.  Days when the kids refuse to nap and instead cry and whine and yell and pout.  Days when I misinterpret what my husband is saying to me.  Days when I'm just mad.  What then?

Then I praise. Let everything that has breath praise the Lord. Praise the Lord. Psalm 150:6

Sometimes its singing.  Sometimes it's finding a quiet moment to sit with God. Sometimes it's reading a bible story to my kids before tucking them in.  Sometimes it's just being thankful that tomorrow is a new day.  The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great in his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. Lamentations 3:22 & 23.

A moment...

2:55 pm just a few more minutes of quiet and peace and creativity. Hurry! Hurry!

2:57 pm why aren't you watching the clock? Pay attention mama!

2:59 pm creative flow is MIA.

3:01 pm remember that one day you forgot to stand at the window and watch for the bus and Eva came into the house and you were still at the computer instead of greeting her with a smile and a hug? REMEMBER??

3:02 pm I was such a loser mom that day...

3:05 pm pay attention mama!  Well as long as I'm going to stand at the kitchen window I may as well wash the dishes, wipe down the counters, organize that drawer....

3:07 pm there's the bus!

3:08 pm where is she?? Heart racing. How long do I give her before I call Dana in a panic?

3:09 pm there she is! Calm down mama.

3:10 pm Eva's dropping her coat and back pack and talking.  Telling me about the girl in her class that just got a baby brother.  She's missed a lot of school but she doesn't think she's sick.  She thinks she's just sitting at home hanging out with her new baby brother.  Isn't that illegal?

3:11 pm I'm picking up the coat and the backpack and searching for wads of crumpled paper that could be homework or a parent letter or a prize piece of artwork. Where are all the wads of paper?

3:12 pm Eva's on a stool, pulling out a bowl and the Cheerios.  She says matter of factually "Many of the children didn't have any mail today."

3:13 pm Eva is pouring milk over her cereal.  Why are you just standing there staring mama?

3:14 pm Eva is sitting at the counter, legs crossed, nose in Junie B. book and spoon in cereal bowl.

3:14 pm what just happened here mama?!!?



Thank you to Heather at The Extraordinary Ordinary for encouraging me to Just Write and in doing so capturing one of the moments I watched my 6 year old grow up before my very eyes.

I see the light...

I think I was 13 or 14 when the words "depression" and "anxiety" came out.  There was a family history of both, mix that with a mess of female teenage hormones and there I was. I put on a pretty good front for years.  I went to school and got good grades.  I worked hard at my job, sometimes taking on 2 or 3 jobs at a time. I had a social life, although it wasn't terribly exciting.  No one knew that most days I felt like I was suffocating in an all consuming darkness that I couldn't fight my way out of.

In my early 20's I hit my rock bottom.  I took some pills, not because I wanted to die but because I wanted to shut off the world for a while.  I slept for a couple of days and when I woke up I knew I was in trouble.  I checked into an outpatient treatment program.  They taught me coping skills and prescribed anti-depressants.  I felt numb most of the time.

A couple of years later a friend of mine proposed to me.  We had never had a romantic relationship before. More the kind of stand-in-date type when you have have an awkward family function or wedding to go and want a friendly face there kind of relationship.  He had just graduated from Navy boot camp and I think more than anything he was scared and wanted a friendly face with him. I was naive enough to think this was the only way someone was ever going to love me.  Our marriage was in shambles before it started.  He was emotionally abusive and I was manipulative. It lasted 10 months before I had the courage to go home.

The word "divorce" made me feel used up, tainted, good for nothing.  The darkness was threatening to take me down once again.  I started going to church.  I started clinging to Jesus as my last hope, hope to see the light again.  I met a woman at church.  Divorced. Remarried. Happy.  She taught me what it was to have God make you new again and told me that I wasn't forever tainted by my past and my mistakes.

Then I met my husband.  He showed me, everyday, what unconditional love looks like.  He accepted me and all my imperfection and loved me right where I was.  The darkness disappeared and I could feel the light on my face.

Somewhere after the birth of our first daughter the joy started to slip away.  I started to close in on myself.  Even though I had Jesus in my life now, a doting husband and a precious baby, it wasn't enough anymore.  We struggled financially, we had a miscarriage and then two more baby girls back to back.  And somewhere along the way I lost myself in the gloom again.

I found myself admitting to my husband that I was having thoughts of taking my life.  I firmly believed that I would not act on them but even having them there scared me.  So I made a choice.

I chose to seek Jesus out and ask for His help.  I chose to prioritize my marriage. I chose to look at my kids in awe.  I chose to change my lifestyle and get healthy.  I sought out wisdom from doctors and through homeopathy. I surrounded myself with my friends and my family.  I chose to claw my way back out out of the blackness that was pinning me down.

A few months ago it was like the fog lifted and the light on my face never felt so good. I choose, everyday, to overcome instead of being overcome.

Do I think I'm "cured"? Probably not.  But I know now with Holy Spirit empowered determination, trust and love, I can do just about anything.

Oh, no more sorrow, no more pain

No more darkness weighing down on me

No longer blind now I can see

Forever light, Forever free

Loving with intention...

  "First pride, then crash - the bigger the ego, the harder the fall." Proverbs 16:18 (MSG)

I've always took pride in the solid relationship my husband and I have.  Then last winter we crashed.  

I couldn't even tell you what triggered it exactly.  Slowly we stopped communicating and connecting.  Pretty soon we couldn't understand where the other was coming from.  There wasn't much grace being passed out or much of anything.

Then the warning flags started popping up all over in my head.  I felt that our marriage was being threatened and it scared me like nothing else.  The threat was nothing...yet, but we both knew that if we continued going in our separate directions it would be harder to find our way back to each other.

We confided in our closest friends and they came along side of us, asking us the hard questions, listening, holding us accountable.  We sought wisdom from our pastor. We started seeking ways to prove our love.

We started reading marriage books, devotionals and the Bible together. We worked to discover each other's love language and then speak it intentionally. 

We carved out a few hours every week for each other.  Sometimes it was going for a walk or weeding the garden together.  Sometimes it was grocery shopping.  Sometimes it was sitting on the patio after the kids were all asleep.  But we made it a point to talk.

My husband put a sticky note on the computer for awhile that said "No screens after 8 pm. Talk to your wife."  He made me his priority and I did the same for him. 

We started going to bed at the same time.  We made it a point to fall asleep touching each other, every night. We have a king size sleep number bed, this wasn't the norm.  But we need that connection.  

We started kissing each other goodbye every time one of us leaves.  Every time.  Sometimes it came naturally and sometimes it was just choosing to intentionally show affection towards the other.

There were times that we had to really work at showing our love to one another.  I tried the 7 ways in 7 days to knock the socks off your spouse approach.  Once Dana became aware of what I was doing he would reciprocate and it was always worth the effort. 

Every day I have thanked God for Dana and for our marriage.  I thank him now for keeping us alert so that we were not devoured by Satan and his lies.  I thank God for bringing us out of the pit and healing our marriage.

This morning my husband sent me the following message: "So I'm pretty sure I'm head over heels for you. I can't get you out of my head." Oh, yes.  We've found our way back to each other in a more incredible way than I've ever thought possible.

  

Grace...

My husband is a pusher.  It's wonderful and annoying all at the same time.  He gives 110% to everything he does and he expects everyone around him to do the same.  He's always trying to improve, to be more efficient, to find a better way. "Settle" and "okay" are not words in his vocabulary.

I've known my husband for nearly nine years now.  In those nine years he has been pushing me to try harder, do more, aim higher. I admit that sometimes this make me want to lob heavy objects in his direction but I am eternally thankful for his pushing.  I wouldn't be where I am without his pushing.

God is a pusher too.  He asks us to live in constant dependence on him.  To listen to His calling. To share His message.  He asks us to step out of our comfort zone and do His will with no promise of recognition.  He wants us to be courageous.

The funny thing about courage is that it requires us to be vulnerable.  And I just couldn't do that if I didn't have someone pushing me.  God is pushing me to a new place.  A place of grace.

He has carried me through such grief and sadness.  Times of despair.  He has given me struggles with food, depression and anxiety and yet He says in Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you" declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." and Romans 8:28 says "And we know in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

Someone once told me without a mess you wouldn't have a message.  You, Messiah are the best match for my mess!

Thank you God for my my mess and for pushing me out of it.  Patti Hill said "Enjoying God's grace is sloppy business."  I couldn't have said it better myself.

Pure Joy...

Sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago and sometimes I remember it as clear as if it happened yesterday.  We tried for more than 2 years to get pregnant with our second child.  It was around Valentine's Day when we found out we were expecting. We were over the moon!

I was about 9 weeks along when I went in for my first check up with our doctor.  I was feeling great.  The morning sickness had already passed and I had so much energy.  I thought for sure this meant we were having a boy since sweet Eva had made me so miserable for the first 5 months of pregnancy.  Our doc did all the routine things they do and then he told me he wanted to send me to the hospital for an ultrasound.  I couldn't wait to get a peek at our baby and see that heartbeat!

I think it was maybe a day or two later we headed to the hospital for the ultrasound.  Dana came with me and we brought Eva along (she was 3 then).  She was thrilled at the idea of being a big sister; she was already in the habit of talking to and kissing my belly. She was sure she was having a brother too.

The baby was so small on the screen and as hard as the technician tried we couldn't see any "beating". She was very kind and reassuring saying there was no reason to worry yet, maybe our dates were wrong and we weren't as far along as we thought...deep down I think I knew she was wrong.  She excused herself to call our doctor and when she returned she said our doc wanted us to go straight to the clinic.

I remember going numb in that tiny room as our doctor explained that I was going to miscarry.  He said a lot of other things that day, I think to try to comfort us but my heart had already shattered.  It was a week or so later while my husband was home for lunch that things started "to happen".  We sat side by side that entire weekend in a fog.

We named our baby Kason Bliss (meaning "pure" and "joy").  We planted a tree in our yard in remembrance and had a small service in our living room.

The next few months passed by in a daze.  Most days I found myself uncontrollably crying the others I was completely numb. I started selling all of our baby stuff.  We had decided having more kids probably wasn't in the plan.  The risk of trying again was to great.

My due date approached and I felt raw from grief.  About two weeks after my due date had come and gone we learned we were pregnant with our Lorelei.  And that was how God taught me (again) that my plans are not His plans.  My timing is not His timing.

Today's photo a day prompt was "someone I miss".  Today I miss my Kason Bliss and I look forward, with joyful anticipation of our reunion.

"You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. 

Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you."

Matthew 5:4 (MSG)

Victory...

It was November 14th, 2012.  My oldest was at school, my two youngest napping.  I don't remember what the weather was like, but it was dark in my soul.

I had a 2 month old who had come 5 weeks early and spent 16 days in the NICU.  The doctors had explained (repeatedly) how important it was to keep her healthy that first winter and flu season had already begun. I knew we'd be home bound for the next several months and any time someone in our house sniffled I freaked out.

I had a 16 month old who was discovering everything, and I mean everything. Every time I turned around it felt like she had something she shouldn't or was climbing something she shouldn't. She was also becoming a bit obsessive about our routine and if something went amiss during the day she would reward us with not sleeping....ever.  She made me so tired.

I had a 5 year old with attitude.  Her world had been flipped over and rocked so much in the past year and a half, from welcoming two baby sisters home to starting school (while mom and dad were at the hospital with the youngest).  I don't think she knew most days which way was up and I couldn't blame her, I didn't either.

My husband and I seemed to be locked down in our own worlds, dealing with life's stresses in our own ways.  I wanted our worlds to collide again but I didn't know how to make it happen.

So it was that afternoon I found myself trying to be perfectly quiet as not to wake the kiddos, beating myself up because I should be doing something "productive".  I sat at the computer googling things like "depression", "baby blues" and "self loathing".  Oh, it was a dark day.

Somewhere in my clicking I ended up at www.myfitnesspal.com and I decided that November 14th, 2012 would be the day I did something to change.  Anything to change how I was feeling.  I started counting my calories and got a walking pass for the elementary school.

Soon there after I developed planter fasciitis which put a halt on my walking.  Then the holidays came and I found myself including cookies and treats instead of good things in my daily calorie intake.  2013 came and I found myself again in dark days.

A friend on facebook said she was going to lead a group through the study "Made to Crave" by Lysa TerKerust. On a whim or a moment of desperation I signed up.  The study affected me in a way I never thought possible.  The truths Lysa taught us struck my heart in a way that only God could.  Little by little I changed the way I thought about food (and life) and my husband and I changed our lifestyle.

It's now a year later and this morning I did a happy dance of pure joy.  My scale told me that I have lost 80 lbs since last November.  But even more than that, my days are much brighter.  My girls, who used to make me feel so tired now bring me such enormous joy.  My husband's world and mine are now in sync.  I am happy. I am free from the darkness that once haunted my soul. I am on a spiritual journey that has had amazing physical benefits.  I feel lighter, both physically and emotionally.

My photo a day prompt today is "Yes!"
I choose a verse that I have clung to over the last year and say
"Yes! I am victorious!"

Magnificence...

It's the first week of November and we received inches of snow last night.  It's only been 6 months since our last snowfall.  Every gloomy winter I wonder why we keep living in this frozen tundra. Wouldn't it be lovely to live somewhere with sunshine and 70 degree weather for more than just a few weeks of the year?

Yesterday I was challenged to slow down and SEE God's magnificence.  So I looked at that snowfall as an opportunity for an awesome workout.  Now I know I didn't need to shovel the driveway, the deck, the patio, the sidewalk and then part of the neighbors...the sun would take care of it in the morning.  But I had had pizza (in the name of reconciliation) and a workout was in order.  And it felt good! It felt good to go out in the dark of night with my husband knowing our children were sleeping soundly.  It felt good to move my body. It felt good to watch my husband attempt a snowman to surprise the girls in the morning.  It felt good to watch our dog run circles in the snow with such enthusiasm. It was truly magnificent.

Amelia got us up at 4:15 this morning and then joined us in our bed making a restless last couple of hours of sleep and I had been up late, invigorated from my late night shoveling and my eyes did not want to open at the sound of the alarm. I found myself rushing Eva through our morning routine.  I kept finding her at the kitchen window gazing excitedly at the snow. Then I remembered my challenge. Slow down and SEE God's magnificence.

And it was magnificent! The sun coming up over our world covered in white. Everything glittering and pure. My husband came home for lunch and asked how our morning had gone.  I had to say "How can it be anything but great when every time I look out the window it is so beautiful?"

Magnificent is defined as impressively beautiful, elaborate, extravagant or striking. My pictures don't do God's magnificence justice but I enjoy trying.

God is magnificent; He can never be praised enough.

There are no boundaries to His greatness.

Psalm 145:3 (MSG)

So I challenge you now to slow down and SEE God's magnificence.