I see the light...

I think I was 13 or 14 when the words "depression" and "anxiety" came out.  There was a family history of both, mix that with a mess of female teenage hormones and there I was. I put on a pretty good front for years.  I went to school and got good grades.  I worked hard at my job, sometimes taking on 2 or 3 jobs at a time. I had a social life, although it wasn't terribly exciting.  No one knew that most days I felt like I was suffocating in an all consuming darkness that I couldn't fight my way out of.

In my early 20's I hit my rock bottom.  I took some pills, not because I wanted to die but because I wanted to shut off the world for a while.  I slept for a couple of days and when I woke up I knew I was in trouble.  I checked into an outpatient treatment program.  They taught me coping skills and prescribed anti-depressants.  I felt numb most of the time.

A couple of years later a friend of mine proposed to me.  We had never had a romantic relationship before. More the kind of stand-in-date type when you have have an awkward family function or wedding to go and want a friendly face there kind of relationship.  He had just graduated from Navy boot camp and I think more than anything he was scared and wanted a friendly face with him. I was naive enough to think this was the only way someone was ever going to love me.  Our marriage was in shambles before it started.  He was emotionally abusive and I was manipulative. It lasted 10 months before I had the courage to go home.

The word "divorce" made me feel used up, tainted, good for nothing.  The darkness was threatening to take me down once again.  I started going to church.  I started clinging to Jesus as my last hope, hope to see the light again.  I met a woman at church.  Divorced. Remarried. Happy.  She taught me what it was to have God make you new again and told me that I wasn't forever tainted by my past and my mistakes.

Then I met my husband.  He showed me, everyday, what unconditional love looks like.  He accepted me and all my imperfection and loved me right where I was.  The darkness disappeared and I could feel the light on my face.

Somewhere after the birth of our first daughter the joy started to slip away.  I started to close in on myself.  Even though I had Jesus in my life now, a doting husband and a precious baby, it wasn't enough anymore.  We struggled financially, we had a miscarriage and then two more baby girls back to back.  And somewhere along the way I lost myself in the gloom again.

I found myself admitting to my husband that I was having thoughts of taking my life.  I firmly believed that I would not act on them but even having them there scared me.  So I made a choice.

I chose to seek Jesus out and ask for His help.  I chose to prioritize my marriage. I chose to look at my kids in awe.  I chose to change my lifestyle and get healthy.  I sought out wisdom from doctors and through homeopathy. I surrounded myself with my friends and my family.  I chose to claw my way back out out of the blackness that was pinning me down.

A few months ago it was like the fog lifted and the light on my face never felt so good. I choose, everyday, to overcome instead of being overcome.

Do I think I'm "cured"? Probably not.  But I know now with Holy Spirit empowered determination, trust and love, I can do just about anything.

Oh, no more sorrow, no more pain

No more darkness weighing down on me

No longer blind now I can see

Forever light, Forever free