Pure Joy...

Sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago and sometimes I remember it as clear as if it happened yesterday.  We tried for more than 2 years to get pregnant with our second child.  It was around Valentine's Day when we found out we were expecting. We were over the moon!

I was about 9 weeks along when I went in for my first check up with our doctor.  I was feeling great.  The morning sickness had already passed and I had so much energy.  I thought for sure this meant we were having a boy since sweet Eva had made me so miserable for the first 5 months of pregnancy.  Our doc did all the routine things they do and then he told me he wanted to send me to the hospital for an ultrasound.  I couldn't wait to get a peek at our baby and see that heartbeat!

I think it was maybe a day or two later we headed to the hospital for the ultrasound.  Dana came with me and we brought Eva along (she was 3 then).  She was thrilled at the idea of being a big sister; she was already in the habit of talking to and kissing my belly. She was sure she was having a brother too.

The baby was so small on the screen and as hard as the technician tried we couldn't see any "beating". She was very kind and reassuring saying there was no reason to worry yet, maybe our dates were wrong and we weren't as far along as we thought...deep down I think I knew she was wrong.  She excused herself to call our doctor and when she returned she said our doc wanted us to go straight to the clinic.

I remember going numb in that tiny room as our doctor explained that I was going to miscarry.  He said a lot of other things that day, I think to try to comfort us but my heart had already shattered.  It was a week or so later while my husband was home for lunch that things started "to happen".  We sat side by side that entire weekend in a fog.

We named our baby Kason Bliss (meaning "pure" and "joy").  We planted a tree in our yard in remembrance and had a small service in our living room.

The next few months passed by in a daze.  Most days I found myself uncontrollably crying the others I was completely numb. I started selling all of our baby stuff.  We had decided having more kids probably wasn't in the plan.  The risk of trying again was to great.

My due date approached and I felt raw from grief.  About two weeks after my due date had come and gone we learned we were pregnant with our Lorelei.  And that was how God taught me (again) that my plans are not His plans.  My timing is not His timing.

Today's photo a day prompt was "someone I miss".  Today I miss my Kason Bliss and I look forward, with joyful anticipation of our reunion.

"You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. 

Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you."

Matthew 5:4 (MSG)