Move...

A few weeks ago our pastor was preaching a sermon on being fully engaged in worship.  He was delivering a great message and hitting all his points when he got to "if you want be fully engaged in worship you have to move". He whipped out a 100 dollar bill and said it was to go to whoever moved to get it first. It went to some ten-ish year old boy sitting near the front.

I was sitting towards the back that day with two dear friends on one side of me and a young man on the other.  I didn't stand a chance...not that I actually tried.

It was then that God began speaking to me about the young man to my left.  I knew this young man.  In fact we were family who had grown very distant.  In my dark days I had built thick, strong, tall walls guarding myself.  This of course did nothing but bring about tension, unease and general discord which lead to a chasm that seemed far to wide to bridge.

God said to me "You have to make the first move."

I argued with God.  "I don't want to. It will be too hard and too uncomfortable. I don't even know what I'd say. It's been too long. What if he doesn't understand? What if he doesn't care? What if I just make a mess of things (again)?"

God said again "You have to make the first move."

"But God," I said, "I wouldn't know where to start. Lord give me the words to say to explain so he'll understand. So I can make things right again."

The pastor was moving on with the sermon, reading from Psalm 95, the part where it warns against your heart becoming hard.

My stomach in knots, I tried again. "God, why today? I'm too scared.  I can't do this. Tell me what to do. Give me the courage.  I can't do this without you."

Now we were singing and taking offering and I knew the service was quickly coming to an end.  I felt like I was visibly shaking by this point.  The pastor stood up and gave one last call to "move" in our faith.

God said to me "Hug him."

I'm pretty sure I laughed.  "Really? You want me to hug him. He's not going to hear me out let alone accept a hug.  Oh Lord..."

Everyone was standing, ready to head out of the church.  Here goes nothing.  I leaned over to put my arm around the young man in an attempt to do the half hug thing thinking "But God, what am I supposed to say?"

That's when I was enveloped in a bear hug and I started to sob right there on his shoulder.  My walls and all my hesitations just crumbled right on the floor of the sanctuary that day.  We didn't talk long.  I apologized and he reassured me that we were still family and that he loved me and that we'd get through this too.

I was bubbling over with excitement to share the experience with my husband when I got home.  Since then we've gotten together, as family, and started walking down a glorious path of reconciliation.  Thank you Lord, for asking me to move.

Thankful...

Thanksgiving is just a few days away.  The trend of saying something you are thankful for each day is spreading like wildfire on Facebook.  Today at church we had the opportunity to jot something down on a leaf and decorate barren trees.  I love this!

Last year about this time I found members of our family (myself included) entering the holiday season with the "I want" attitude.  I decided this had to be nipped in the bud immediately.  I bought a large piece of tag board and hung it in our dinning room.  Each night we began going around the table and saying something we were thankful for that day and then writing it down.

We made it to Christmas and I thought...

WHAT IF WE WERE THANKFUL ALL YEAR?

So we kept at it.  We're on our third piece of tag board now. We keep them all hung in a place we can see them and it's great to reflect on.  That awesome sunrise...that great run...God's provision...playing with a friend...cheese.  They're all on there.

But what about when it's hard to be thankful?

There are bad days.  Days that even though I have a roof over my head, clothes on my body and food in my belly the last thing I want to do is be thankful.  Days when everything that could go wrong, did.  Days when the kids refuse to nap and instead cry and whine and yell and pout.  Days when I misinterpret what my husband is saying to me.  Days when I'm just mad.  What then?

Then I praise. Let everything that has breath praise the Lord. Praise the Lord. Psalm 150:6

Sometimes its singing.  Sometimes it's finding a quiet moment to sit with God. Sometimes it's reading a bible story to my kids before tucking them in.  Sometimes it's just being thankful that tomorrow is a new day.  The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great in his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. Lamentations 3:22 & 23.

A moment...

2:55 pm just a few more minutes of quiet and peace and creativity. Hurry! Hurry!

2:57 pm why aren't you watching the clock? Pay attention mama!

2:59 pm creative flow is MIA.

3:01 pm remember that one day you forgot to stand at the window and watch for the bus and Eva came into the house and you were still at the computer instead of greeting her with a smile and a hug? REMEMBER??

3:02 pm I was such a loser mom that day...

3:05 pm pay attention mama!  Well as long as I'm going to stand at the kitchen window I may as well wash the dishes, wipe down the counters, organize that drawer....

3:07 pm there's the bus!

3:08 pm where is she?? Heart racing. How long do I give her before I call Dana in a panic?

3:09 pm there she is! Calm down mama.

3:10 pm Eva's dropping her coat and back pack and talking.  Telling me about the girl in her class that just got a baby brother.  She's missed a lot of school but she doesn't think she's sick.  She thinks she's just sitting at home hanging out with her new baby brother.  Isn't that illegal?

3:11 pm I'm picking up the coat and the backpack and searching for wads of crumpled paper that could be homework or a parent letter or a prize piece of artwork. Where are all the wads of paper?

3:12 pm Eva's on a stool, pulling out a bowl and the Cheerios.  She says matter of factually "Many of the children didn't have any mail today."

3:13 pm Eva is pouring milk over her cereal.  Why are you just standing there staring mama?

3:14 pm Eva is sitting at the counter, legs crossed, nose in Junie B. book and spoon in cereal bowl.

3:14 pm what just happened here mama?!!?



Thank you to Heather at The Extraordinary Ordinary for encouraging me to Just Write and in doing so capturing one of the moments I watched my 6 year old grow up before my very eyes.

I see the light...

I think I was 13 or 14 when the words "depression" and "anxiety" came out.  There was a family history of both, mix that with a mess of female teenage hormones and there I was. I put on a pretty good front for years.  I went to school and got good grades.  I worked hard at my job, sometimes taking on 2 or 3 jobs at a time. I had a social life, although it wasn't terribly exciting.  No one knew that most days I felt like I was suffocating in an all consuming darkness that I couldn't fight my way out of.

In my early 20's I hit my rock bottom.  I took some pills, not because I wanted to die but because I wanted to shut off the world for a while.  I slept for a couple of days and when I woke up I knew I was in trouble.  I checked into an outpatient treatment program.  They taught me coping skills and prescribed anti-depressants.  I felt numb most of the time.

A couple of years later a friend of mine proposed to me.  We had never had a romantic relationship before. More the kind of stand-in-date type when you have have an awkward family function or wedding to go and want a friendly face there kind of relationship.  He had just graduated from Navy boot camp and I think more than anything he was scared and wanted a friendly face with him. I was naive enough to think this was the only way someone was ever going to love me.  Our marriage was in shambles before it started.  He was emotionally abusive and I was manipulative. It lasted 10 months before I had the courage to go home.

The word "divorce" made me feel used up, tainted, good for nothing.  The darkness was threatening to take me down once again.  I started going to church.  I started clinging to Jesus as my last hope, hope to see the light again.  I met a woman at church.  Divorced. Remarried. Happy.  She taught me what it was to have God make you new again and told me that I wasn't forever tainted by my past and my mistakes.

Then I met my husband.  He showed me, everyday, what unconditional love looks like.  He accepted me and all my imperfection and loved me right where I was.  The darkness disappeared and I could feel the light on my face.

Somewhere after the birth of our first daughter the joy started to slip away.  I started to close in on myself.  Even though I had Jesus in my life now, a doting husband and a precious baby, it wasn't enough anymore.  We struggled financially, we had a miscarriage and then two more baby girls back to back.  And somewhere along the way I lost myself in the gloom again.

I found myself admitting to my husband that I was having thoughts of taking my life.  I firmly believed that I would not act on them but even having them there scared me.  So I made a choice.

I chose to seek Jesus out and ask for His help.  I chose to prioritize my marriage. I chose to look at my kids in awe.  I chose to change my lifestyle and get healthy.  I sought out wisdom from doctors and through homeopathy. I surrounded myself with my friends and my family.  I chose to claw my way back out out of the blackness that was pinning me down.

A few months ago it was like the fog lifted and the light on my face never felt so good. I choose, everyday, to overcome instead of being overcome.

Do I think I'm "cured"? Probably not.  But I know now with Holy Spirit empowered determination, trust and love, I can do just about anything.

Oh, no more sorrow, no more pain

No more darkness weighing down on me

No longer blind now I can see

Forever light, Forever free

Loving with intention...

  "First pride, then crash - the bigger the ego, the harder the fall." Proverbs 16:18 (MSG)

I've always took pride in the solid relationship my husband and I have.  Then last winter we crashed.  

I couldn't even tell you what triggered it exactly.  Slowly we stopped communicating and connecting.  Pretty soon we couldn't understand where the other was coming from.  There wasn't much grace being passed out or much of anything.

Then the warning flags started popping up all over in my head.  I felt that our marriage was being threatened and it scared me like nothing else.  The threat was nothing...yet, but we both knew that if we continued going in our separate directions it would be harder to find our way back to each other.

We confided in our closest friends and they came along side of us, asking us the hard questions, listening, holding us accountable.  We sought wisdom from our pastor. We started seeking ways to prove our love.

We started reading marriage books, devotionals and the Bible together. We worked to discover each other's love language and then speak it intentionally. 

We carved out a few hours every week for each other.  Sometimes it was going for a walk or weeding the garden together.  Sometimes it was grocery shopping.  Sometimes it was sitting on the patio after the kids were all asleep.  But we made it a point to talk.

My husband put a sticky note on the computer for awhile that said "No screens after 8 pm. Talk to your wife."  He made me his priority and I did the same for him. 

We started going to bed at the same time.  We made it a point to fall asleep touching each other, every night. We have a king size sleep number bed, this wasn't the norm.  But we need that connection.  

We started kissing each other goodbye every time one of us leaves.  Every time.  Sometimes it came naturally and sometimes it was just choosing to intentionally show affection towards the other.

There were times that we had to really work at showing our love to one another.  I tried the 7 ways in 7 days to knock the socks off your spouse approach.  Once Dana became aware of what I was doing he would reciprocate and it was always worth the effort. 

Every day I have thanked God for Dana and for our marriage.  I thank him now for keeping us alert so that we were not devoured by Satan and his lies.  I thank God for bringing us out of the pit and healing our marriage.

This morning my husband sent me the following message: "So I'm pretty sure I'm head over heels for you. I can't get you out of my head." Oh, yes.  We've found our way back to each other in a more incredible way than I've ever thought possible.

  

Grace...

My husband is a pusher.  It's wonderful and annoying all at the same time.  He gives 110% to everything he does and he expects everyone around him to do the same.  He's always trying to improve, to be more efficient, to find a better way. "Settle" and "okay" are not words in his vocabulary.

I've known my husband for nearly nine years now.  In those nine years he has been pushing me to try harder, do more, aim higher. I admit that sometimes this make me want to lob heavy objects in his direction but I am eternally thankful for his pushing.  I wouldn't be where I am without his pushing.

God is a pusher too.  He asks us to live in constant dependence on him.  To listen to His calling. To share His message.  He asks us to step out of our comfort zone and do His will with no promise of recognition.  He wants us to be courageous.

The funny thing about courage is that it requires us to be vulnerable.  And I just couldn't do that if I didn't have someone pushing me.  God is pushing me to a new place.  A place of grace.

He has carried me through such grief and sadness.  Times of despair.  He has given me struggles with food, depression and anxiety and yet He says in Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you" declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." and Romans 8:28 says "And we know in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

Someone once told me without a mess you wouldn't have a message.  You, Messiah are the best match for my mess!

Thank you God for my my mess and for pushing me out of it.  Patti Hill said "Enjoying God's grace is sloppy business."  I couldn't have said it better myself.

Pure Joy...

Sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago and sometimes I remember it as clear as if it happened yesterday.  We tried for more than 2 years to get pregnant with our second child.  It was around Valentine's Day when we found out we were expecting. We were over the moon!

I was about 9 weeks along when I went in for my first check up with our doctor.  I was feeling great.  The morning sickness had already passed and I had so much energy.  I thought for sure this meant we were having a boy since sweet Eva had made me so miserable for the first 5 months of pregnancy.  Our doc did all the routine things they do and then he told me he wanted to send me to the hospital for an ultrasound.  I couldn't wait to get a peek at our baby and see that heartbeat!

I think it was maybe a day or two later we headed to the hospital for the ultrasound.  Dana came with me and we brought Eva along (she was 3 then).  She was thrilled at the idea of being a big sister; she was already in the habit of talking to and kissing my belly. She was sure she was having a brother too.

The baby was so small on the screen and as hard as the technician tried we couldn't see any "beating". She was very kind and reassuring saying there was no reason to worry yet, maybe our dates were wrong and we weren't as far along as we thought...deep down I think I knew she was wrong.  She excused herself to call our doctor and when she returned she said our doc wanted us to go straight to the clinic.

I remember going numb in that tiny room as our doctor explained that I was going to miscarry.  He said a lot of other things that day, I think to try to comfort us but my heart had already shattered.  It was a week or so later while my husband was home for lunch that things started "to happen".  We sat side by side that entire weekend in a fog.

We named our baby Kason Bliss (meaning "pure" and "joy").  We planted a tree in our yard in remembrance and had a small service in our living room.

The next few months passed by in a daze.  Most days I found myself uncontrollably crying the others I was completely numb. I started selling all of our baby stuff.  We had decided having more kids probably wasn't in the plan.  The risk of trying again was to great.

My due date approached and I felt raw from grief.  About two weeks after my due date had come and gone we learned we were pregnant with our Lorelei.  And that was how God taught me (again) that my plans are not His plans.  My timing is not His timing.

Today's photo a day prompt was "someone I miss".  Today I miss my Kason Bliss and I look forward, with joyful anticipation of our reunion.

"You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. 

Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you."

Matthew 5:4 (MSG)

Victory...

It was November 14th, 2012.  My oldest was at school, my two youngest napping.  I don't remember what the weather was like, but it was dark in my soul.

I had a 2 month old who had come 5 weeks early and spent 16 days in the NICU.  The doctors had explained (repeatedly) how important it was to keep her healthy that first winter and flu season had already begun. I knew we'd be home bound for the next several months and any time someone in our house sniffled I freaked out.

I had a 16 month old who was discovering everything, and I mean everything. Every time I turned around it felt like she had something she shouldn't or was climbing something she shouldn't. She was also becoming a bit obsessive about our routine and if something went amiss during the day she would reward us with not sleeping....ever.  She made me so tired.

I had a 5 year old with attitude.  Her world had been flipped over and rocked so much in the past year and a half, from welcoming two baby sisters home to starting school (while mom and dad were at the hospital with the youngest).  I don't think she knew most days which way was up and I couldn't blame her, I didn't either.

My husband and I seemed to be locked down in our own worlds, dealing with life's stresses in our own ways.  I wanted our worlds to collide again but I didn't know how to make it happen.

So it was that afternoon I found myself trying to be perfectly quiet as not to wake the kiddos, beating myself up because I should be doing something "productive".  I sat at the computer googling things like "depression", "baby blues" and "self loathing".  Oh, it was a dark day.

Somewhere in my clicking I ended up at www.myfitnesspal.com and I decided that November 14th, 2012 would be the day I did something to change.  Anything to change how I was feeling.  I started counting my calories and got a walking pass for the elementary school.

Soon there after I developed planter fasciitis which put a halt on my walking.  Then the holidays came and I found myself including cookies and treats instead of good things in my daily calorie intake.  2013 came and I found myself again in dark days.

A friend on facebook said she was going to lead a group through the study "Made to Crave" by Lysa TerKerust. On a whim or a moment of desperation I signed up.  The study affected me in a way I never thought possible.  The truths Lysa taught us struck my heart in a way that only God could.  Little by little I changed the way I thought about food (and life) and my husband and I changed our lifestyle.

It's now a year later and this morning I did a happy dance of pure joy.  My scale told me that I have lost 80 lbs since last November.  But even more than that, my days are much brighter.  My girls, who used to make me feel so tired now bring me such enormous joy.  My husband's world and mine are now in sync.  I am happy. I am free from the darkness that once haunted my soul. I am on a spiritual journey that has had amazing physical benefits.  I feel lighter, both physically and emotionally.

My photo a day prompt today is "Yes!"
I choose a verse that I have clung to over the last year and say
"Yes! I am victorious!"

Magnificence...

It's the first week of November and we received inches of snow last night.  It's only been 6 months since our last snowfall.  Every gloomy winter I wonder why we keep living in this frozen tundra. Wouldn't it be lovely to live somewhere with sunshine and 70 degree weather for more than just a few weeks of the year?

Yesterday I was challenged to slow down and SEE God's magnificence.  So I looked at that snowfall as an opportunity for an awesome workout.  Now I know I didn't need to shovel the driveway, the deck, the patio, the sidewalk and then part of the neighbors...the sun would take care of it in the morning.  But I had had pizza (in the name of reconciliation) and a workout was in order.  And it felt good! It felt good to go out in the dark of night with my husband knowing our children were sleeping soundly.  It felt good to move my body. It felt good to watch my husband attempt a snowman to surprise the girls in the morning.  It felt good to watch our dog run circles in the snow with such enthusiasm. It was truly magnificent.

Amelia got us up at 4:15 this morning and then joined us in our bed making a restless last couple of hours of sleep and I had been up late, invigorated from my late night shoveling and my eyes did not want to open at the sound of the alarm. I found myself rushing Eva through our morning routine.  I kept finding her at the kitchen window gazing excitedly at the snow. Then I remembered my challenge. Slow down and SEE God's magnificence.

And it was magnificent! The sun coming up over our world covered in white. Everything glittering and pure. My husband came home for lunch and asked how our morning had gone.  I had to say "How can it be anything but great when every time I look out the window it is so beautiful?"

Magnificent is defined as impressively beautiful, elaborate, extravagant or striking. My pictures don't do God's magnificence justice but I enjoy trying.

God is magnificent; He can never be praised enough.

There are no boundaries to His greatness.

Psalm 145:3 (MSG)

So I challenge you now to slow down and SEE God's magnificence.