#tbt...

First off I want to say that this post is not to elicit more birthday wishes or presents. I will of course appreciate them, but that's not what stopped me from washing the dishes to sit down and write this.

Let me see if I can get you to follow my crazy train of thinking. This morning I saw one of the founders of REFIT® had posted a funny "Throwback Thursday" photo.  I must of been thinking of my birthday at the time so it inspired me to go back and dig through photos of me celebrating my birthday over the years.  There weren't many pictures from the last few years and the ones there were hard to look at.

So I was thinking of my birthday, #tbt and REFIT® when it all came together. Physically I am not this person anymore. When I began attending REFIT® classes I had lost most of my weight and the scale hasn't tipped much in the 10 months I've been dancing.  I have, however, lost inches and I've gained and toned muscle.  But I've also gained so much more!

See I'm not mentally or emotionally the person I was in those pictures anymore either. Because of REFIT® I've gained confidence in my body, in my self-worth and in who I am as God's child. Confidence I've never had before.

I used to suffer from terrible panic attacks before going to social gatherings (especially those for women), now I'm a REFIT® instructor! I'm now the one who stands in the front and leads a room full of women.  Me, the one with the panic attacks.  Me, the uncoordinated one who used to avoid exercise at all costs. I've learned to see the beauty in participation and the pain in perfection.

Because of REFIT® I've also gained friendships and formed bonds that no time or distance will change.  It's an amazing feeling to be surrounded by a group of women who only want to build you and not tear you down.

So with these #tbt photos I'm choosing not to focus on the hurt, the sadness and the flaws that surround them.  Instead I'm going to look at them and see how far God has brought me on this crazy and amazing journey.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come.

The old has gone, the new is here!

2 Corinthians 5:17

Freedom Awaits...

This week we invited the ladies at our REFIT® class to drop their baggage at the door.  Baggage can be anything weighing you down right now. Stress, worries, negative thinking, comparison, jealousy, regret, guilt, shame...I could go on and on. After we danced we told them that Jesus took all their bags when He died on the cross and He's willing to hold on to them for us, indefinitely.  We just have to let him.

As I drove home that night I though "But what about our carry on bags?"  You know the ones you want to keep close to you, full of stuff you don't want to be without.  Sometimes we can fill up our carry-on bags with the same heavy junk that weighs us down. Then it dawned on me that I've dealt with this before.  Here is an excerpt from a blog I wrote 5 years ago, entitled "Leave Your Carry-On":

When I met my husband five and a half years ago I was a new Christian and I came with a lot of baggage.  I had just walked away from a bad marriage and was going through a divorce that made me feel lower than low.   I was living back at home with my parents working part time, at a minimum wage job that did zero for my self –esteem.  But as I grew closer to the Lord  I began to leave those bags at the foot of the cross.  Even though I tend to pick some of those bags up from time to time, I’ve learned to put them back down.  However, there is one issue lately I just can’t seem to give to Christ, we’ll call it my carry-on bag and it’s called envy.

            I seem to have (again) fallen into this pit of envying everyone around me.  When my husband and I first got married we both held well-paying positions and money was never an issue.  When I became pregnant with our daughter I quit my job to be a stay at home mom and soon after that my husband was laid off.  Since that time money has become quite an issue and from this stems my spite.  See while I lug my carry-on around it would appear that no one around me has it quite as bad as I do.  Even as I write this I think “Wow. I’ve become so self-centered.”  So how do I crawl out of this pit?  How do I leave my carry-on with Jesus? 

Fast forward 5 years and I've emptied most of the envy from my carry-on. Do I still have other junk in there, weighing me down? Absolutely. But here's how we work on getting rid of it:

1. Saturate yourself in truth.  Get in the word. Everyday. Replace the junk in your carry-on with truth. Replace the lies with facts about who God says you are and how much you mean to HIM.

2. Find your truth speaker.  Who is the person who you can bear your soul to? Who is the one who can pull you out of your dark place? Who is the one who can speak truth to you (even if the it's hard)? You were not meant to walk through this alone.

When it rains, it pours...literally.

I just gotta say that I am so in awe of how big and caring and amazing our God is. We were huddled in the bathroom in the basement as the sirens went off tonight.  My oldest was having a panic attack and quite frankly scaring her little sisters. So we prayed and prayed and prayed until the sirens quit.

When we got the all clear and went into our bedroom we discovered inches of water on our bedroom floor.  We quickly went through every towel in the house and our mini shop vac was lasting all of 2 minutes before it was full. And our own personal waterfall just kept flowing. I was frustrated and angry and also a little anxiety ridden so I asked a couple of friends to pray.

As they were responding to my message with their prayers and encouragement my parents and another friend showed up with big shop vacs.  Apparently it was no easy task to get her due to all the flooded streets. But here they were, in my bedroom, sucking up our mess.

As they were working on my drenched carpet my oldest noticed more water in the storage room.  I wanted to cry. And then another friend walked through the door with a laundry basket of towels and started mopping up the mess too.

I had already started washing towels and as I went to throw them in the dryer I noticed it didn't sound quite right. I had my dad investigate and guess what? The belt broke on the dryer!  Now I was just mad. And I decided right then and there that Satan wasn't going to win this one.  I wasn't going to cry or scream or throw a pity party. I was going to stand in awe of what God was doing.

My mom and another friend quickly offered to wash and dry our towels and they were whisked away. My dad promised to fix the dryer tomorrow. The water (16 gallons worth) was sucked out of the carpet and fans and dehumidifiers set on high speed.  All the while  friends called and texted and asked how they could help too.

My girls were finally settled down for bed and here I sit, completely humbled and in incredible awe of our God.

I had no idea what God had in mind when I read today's Jesus Calling devotion:

I AM YOUR LORD!Seek Me as a Friend and Lover of your soul, but remember that I am also the Kind of kings-sovereign over all. You can make some plans as you gaze into the day that stretches out before you. But you need to hold those plans tentatively, anticipating that I may have other ideas. The most important thing to determine is what to do right now. Instead of scanning the horizon of your life, looking for things that need to be done, concentrate on the task before you and the One who never leaves your side. Let everything else fade into the background. This will unclutter your mind, allowing Me to occupy more and more of your consciousness.

Trust Me to show you what to do when you have finished what you are doing now. I will guide you step by step as you bend your will to Mine. Thus you stay close to Me on the path of Peace.

God cares when we're scared. And He cares about our messes. And He's big enough to handle a little water (or 4" in the span of 45 minutes).

To the moms...

On Friday my 2nd grader came home with a poem she had written me for Mother's Day at school. Quite honestly I had spaced that Mother's Day was even approaching so it was a fun surprise. Her poem went like this:

My mom is as pretty as a rose

when she is at church.

My mom is as kind as a new born puppy

when she is anywhere.

My mom is as caring as a daisy

when we are unhappy.

My mom is as loud as a lion 

when she is mad.

My mom is as gentle as a good mother

when we have boo-boos.

My mom is as goofy as a magic trick

when she is playing with us.

My mom is as wonderful as a sunset

when she cares for us.

My mom is as helpful as a nurse

when we have cuts.

My mom is as musical as a band

when she sings to my sisters in bed.

I will have memories of you!

After some good-natured chuckling I immediately thought, "Wow. I want to be the mom she's talking about."

It's all too easy to be hard on myself. To think I yell too much (and loudly apparently). Or to to feel too self conscious to sing, dance and act goofy with my kids. Or to compare my looks with the other moms, and when I do that I'll always fall short.  And while I'm comparing I might as well look at all the Pinterest crafts and elaborate outgoings other moms can do handle with such ease. And how clean their houses are, and how nice their cars are, and how they can afford a vacation...And pretty soon I'm feeling like a pretty lousy mom.

But then I realized I was missing the point. I am that mom to her. And I was created to be exactly the mom that my girls need. And you were created to be exactly the mother that your children need.

Our pastor spoke this morning on ways that God reveals himself. God comforts as a mother comforts. (Isaiah 66:13) God remembers.  We remember the things that are important to us, like birthdays and things that our children have said and done. But God remembers the number of hairs on your head! (Isaiah 49:15) God seeks. If we misplace something, like the car keys or our cell phone we turn the house upside down looking for it in the same way God seeks us out.  Our small things matter to him. (Luke 15:8) God protects. As moms we will do anything to protect our kids and will respond to injustice. How much greater of a protector our God is than us mama bears! (Hosea13:8) God longs. He longs to bring us together and create a peaceful community among us just we long to our have our children all together (playing peacefully of course). (Luke 13:34)

We are not perfect moms. But we are perfectly capable of being the loving mothers our children need.  Let's stop comparing ourselves and turning up inadequate. Instead let's celebrate who God made us to be.  We are fearfully and wonderfully made by the Creator of the Universe.

Let's teach our kids about faith and not fear.  Let's separate identity from performance. And let's redefine failure.  Let's spur each other on and build each other up in love.  Let's let our God given talents shine for all to see. 

Happy Mother's Day.

You can view today's sermon here: https://vimeo.com/127409693

The Non-Comparison Penny...

A few weeks ago I began a new adventure.  A group of four of us headed to Indiana to a REFIT® training.  Two of us to become certified instructors and two already certified coming along because 1. they love REFIT® and 2. they believed in us. 

Now if your a friend of mine on Facebook this is old news since we blew up your news feeds with updates of our adventure but some of may still be saying "What in the world is REFIT®?"  It's a revolutionary fitness community. It's fitness with values and purpose. It's fitness for all. It's fun! And for me it's been life changing. Keep reading and I'll give you more.

So the four of set out with 10 hours of road ahead of us.  We all knew each other prior to our trip but some of our relationships didn't go beyond the instructor-participant and social media type friendships.  One of the ladies brought a "Chat Pack"; you know those cards with really random questions designed to get a group talking.  One of the cards asked something along the lines of "If you could take a pill that would cure anything (other than disease), what would it be for?"  One of the ladies said she wanted a pill so she would stop comparing herself to others, and well, no one else could top that.  We dubbed it the Non-Comparison Pill or NCP for short.  Well we didn't have pills to pass around but the Illinois tollways had us digging in our wallets quite often and pennies abounded. So when one of us would start feeling insecure or questioning ourselves, we'd pass them a penny. Our Non-Comparison Pills became Non-Comparison Pennies.

When we got home and my newly certified friend was going to teach her first song I gave her a stack of pennies. And when I was freaking out and questioning my ability to do this whole crazy overwhelming REFIT® thing, my friend told me, "Give yourself space. Don't burn yourself out before getting started. I believe in you and know you will figure out how this works for you. You do not need to try to make it work like me or anyone else. Just you...Grab a penny. Put it in your pocket and go think about something else for a while."

And it's funny when something so small and seemingly insignificant as a penny can have such a big impact on you. For weeks now I've been receiving the message about comparing myself to others everywhere I go. In my time with the Lord, in conversations with friends and this morning when someone shared a devotional called "No More Perfect Moms". It's so good and I urge you to click on the link and read it in it's entirety after you're done here.

The gist of it is this though: it's human nature to compare ourselves and it goes all the way back to Adam & Eve. They literally had the perfect life and yet they let Satan fill their head with lies and desire for more. And then they acted it on by eating the forbidden fruit and caused a domino effect that you can follow all through the Bible right into present day. We've been contaminated with the perfection infection.

How often we find ourselves wanting more. The perfect house, the perfect kids, the perfect spouse, the perfect job, the perfect body. And how easily we forget that perfect doesn't exist this side of heaven!It's so hard to be happy when we're always feeling discontent, envious and disappointed. Galatians 6:4 says "Let everyone be sure to do his very best, for then he will have the personal satisfaction of work done well and won't need to compare himself with someone else."

REFIT®'s theme for May is Modification. God says the way to rid yourself of envy is to modify your perspective.  REFIT® posted this on Facebook, "The ability to stand in someone else's shoes and understand their point of view isn't easy. Most of the time we navigate life through our own perspective, and our opinions, behaviors and decisions are based on what we believe, think and feel...Understanding someone else's perspective requires just that: looking at things from their point of view...or standing in their shoes to see what they see. Many people have a hard time doing this because, quite honestly, most of us live with a "me perspective". Here's a ‪#‎truthbomb‬ for ya: UNDERSTANDING someone else's position doesn't mean AGREEING with it. ‪#‎whoa‬ As we begin our ‪#‎ModifyMay‬ journey, we believe modifying our PERSPECTIVE is so very important. The next time you receive criticism or are in a heated conversation -- stop and put yourself in their shoes. Allow yourself to see things form their point of view and look for nuggets of truth. Want to know a secret? Most of life's conflicts can be resolved when understanding is the goal.."

My challenge to you is to stop comparing yourself! Put a penny in your pocket, modify your perspective and dance.  Our class motto is "It's about participation, not perfection."  

Find a REFIT® class near you here: http://refitrev.com/find-a-class/ or dance along with their YouTube channel here: https://www.youtube.com/user/ReFitRev.

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Looking for the best in each other...

Last week, while going through my Made to Crave Bible study, I was asked "Who is your Samaritan woman?"  I didn't have to think about it too long. In fact in the five times I've gone through the study, this question has not been a difficult one for me to answer.

The Bible says that the Samaritans were a racially mixed society with Jewish and pagan ancestry. Lysa TerKeurst refers to them as half-breeds.  John 4:17 also reveals to us that this woman has been married five times and the man she is currently living with is not her husband.

When you dig into the Samaritan woman's story we also learn that she is meeting Jesus at the well in heat of the day.  Because of her lowly status and sinful life style she chooses (or is forced) to draw water in the noonday sun to in order to avoid a tongue lashing from her fellow townspeople. So we conclude, that for whatever reason, this woman is someone who is difficult to spend time with.

For me, I think of the Samaritan woman as someone who instead of filling your love tank, drains it completely dry.  Someone who, instead of making you feel good about yourself, makes you doubt yourself. Someone who zaps all your energy after spending time with them. Someone who oozes negativity and gloom and whose life is one drama after another.  You get the picture.

The next question in our study was "Keeping in mind what you know about this person's life, try looking at him or her through a lens of compassion. What do you see? For example, what hurts or hardships might this person have?" Sometime a shift in our perspective is exactly what we need to make a shift in our hearts.

In John 4:35 Jesus tells his disciples to open their eyes to the fields that are ripe for harvest.  These Samaritan women in our lives, they are the fields ripe for harvest.  If we opened our eyes so that we could really "see" them we would probably see someone who is a little lost.  Someone desperately seeking friendship or spiritual growth or that light that shines in you.

The last question in our study regarding the Samaritan woman in our lives was "What one act of kindness might you do for this person this week?". So this person has been in the back of my mind all week.  And as often as I keep shoving this person to the back of mind they keep nudging their way into the forefront.  I keep struggling to come up with ways to be kind and encouraging while keeping my distance.

Then this morning I stumbled across this bit of wisdom in 1 Thessalonians 5 (I love the way the Message says it):

...Overwhelm them with appreciation and love!

Get along among yourselves, each of you doing your part.

Our counsel is that you warn the freeloaders to get a move on.

Gently encourage the stragglers, and reach out for the exhausted, 

pulling them to their feet. Be patient with each person, attentive to 

individual needs. And be careful that when you get on each other's

nerves you don't snap at each other. Look for the best in each other, 

and always do your best to bring it out.

Look for the best in each other...and always do your best to bring it out. What can you do this week to bring out the best in your Samaritan woman?

An hour of prayer as a family...

Last week our church offered a unique opportunity to the congregation. They called it a week of prayer. Basically you committed to an hour time slot where you would go to the church building and pray. There were different stations and prompts to guide you in your prayers and someone was there praying around the clock for a week straight.  We did the same thing last year and it was a powerful experience so I was excited to sign my husband and myself up.

Yesterday at 1:00 in the afternoon was our time only due to a miscommunication we didn't have a sitter for our girls.  So my husband says "Let's go pray as a family." "Are you crazy?" and "That's never going to work." were a couple of my responses.  But selfishly I wanted to go and I didn't want to ask my husband not to go and there weren't a lot of other options so we loaded this girls up in the car.  Let me remind you that my girls are 7, 3 and 2 years old. I grumbled all the way to church and as we waited in the car for the person before us to come out and let us in my 7 year old reminded us of how much she did not want to be there. "This is going to be soooo boring. I can't pray for an hour!" I was pretty sure she was right and that this was going go very badly.

I paraded the girls into church with a heavy heart and a bad attitude. We hung our coats and entered the prayer room and my breath was taken away.  The room was set up into stations and it was just beyond what I could imagine. At the first station there was music playing.  We were prompted to sing along and worship. It also talked about all the names of God. Prince of Peace, King of Kings, El Roi, Jehovah, Emmanuel, I Am....I could go on and on. We were prompted to write the one that held meaning for us onto a small chalkboard set on an easel, only it was full so the words had been extended onto the wall. The wall was full from top to bottom, left to right, it was absolutely breathtaking.  And well, David Crowder was playing so my girls were okay hanging out at the station and singing along.

The next station was confession. I sat down with my oldest and asked her if she knew what confession meant.  She wasn't sure so I explained it as doing something you know you shouldn't be doing or sinning and then telling it to God and apologizing. She immediately started to cry. She confessed her sin to me and then together we wrote it on slip of paper with a special pen and nailed it to a cross.  Then there was a heat gun we used to blow over the words making them disappear.  I was able to tell her that that is what Jesus does for us when we confess our sin.  He wipes it away and makes us clean again.  It was a powerful visual to share with her.

Next was our identity in Christ. My girls loved this station because it was an area full of mirrors that had words written on them of who God says we are. Free, forgiven, loved, valued, strong, righteous....again I could go on and on.  We had each of them take turns sitting in front of the mirrors as we told them who God says they are.  We explained to them that they are God's girls; they were just entrusted to us for a short time here. 

Then came prayers for the workers of our church, our community and the churches in our area.  We let each of our girls draw a name from the fish bowl of someone who works or volunteers at our church and had each of them pray for the name on their paper.  Then we found a few of our oldest's friends in the phone book and prayed for them.  Then we prayed over all the churches in our area.

Next we prayed through art. There was a huge canvas and the girls were disappointed that it was so full, but people had been praying for about 160 hours at this point.  They were able to find a little room though.

The next station held a map of the world and people had circled areas and written messages about the areas they had prayed for.  We located some friends of ours in Spain and my sister-in-law in Seattle and circled those areas.  We prayed for their safety and protection. We prayed that God would use them to be salt and light where they are. And then we selfishly prayed that we'd be reunited soon. Our oldest noticed a comment written on the map that regarded us as aliens and I was able to explain to her that this (earth) is not our home.  We belong in heaven which makes us aliens and not from this world. 

The last station was meditation. By the time we got there we had just 10 minutes left of our hour.  We took the time to look around the room and reflect on all the different ways we had prayed. When we got home I was snuggling with my 3 year old who had been (normally) quiet. I asked if she liked going to church to pray and what her favorite part was; she replied with "I liked hanging my coat on the funny hook and I like praying with no words." At first I felt a little defeated by her answer but then I thought about the last part of her answer "I like praying with no words." Maybe she did get something out of it?

The rest of the evening passed pretty typically except that I overheard a lot more prayer happening among our girls.  "Oh, you hurt your finger? I'll pray for it." "Can I pray for your head?" "Will you pray for my arm?" And instead of saying our bedtime prayer together each of them wanted to pray individually.  "Thank you for this day. Thank you for mom and dad. Thank you for cheese..."  

Thank you for an hour of prayer with my family.

When I think of the wisdom and scope of his plan, I fall down on my knees and pray to the Father of all the great family of God—some of them already in heaven and some down here on earth— that out of his glorious, unlimited resources he will give you the mighty inner strengthening of his Holy Spirit. And I pray that Christ will be more and more at home in your hearts, living within you as you trust in him. May your roots go down deep into the soil of God’s marvelous love;  and may you be able to feel and understand, as all God’s children should, how long, how wide, how deep, and how high his love really is; and to experience this love for yourselves, though it is so great that you will never see the end of it or fully know or understand it. And so at last you will be filled up with God himself. Now glory be to God, who by his mighty power at work within us is able to do far more than we would ever dare to ask or even dream of—infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, or hopes. May he be given glory forever and ever through endless ages because of his master plan of salvation for the Church through Jesus Christ.

Ephesians 3:14-21 {TLB}

I've lost my joy...

I haven't written in a while. I've missed it. I've had loads of ideas but I haven't made the time to write them down. And then the other day it hit me. I think it's because I've lost some joy. Joy in writing, joy in being a stay at home mom, joy in life.

My doctor always told me that I probably suffered from Seasonal Affective Disorder. My doctor is a very smart lady; but I never really considered it because I always had so much other junk going on that I could contribute my depression, sadness or loss of joy to.  Like the regular depression that comes when life is stressful, or pregnancy, or baby blues.

But over the last couple of years I feel like I've turned a corner and gotten a control over my depression and anxiety. It was like God had fully opened my eyes and a huge weight was taken off of my shoulders. I went into this winter season feeling strong and confident.

Then the days got shorter and the temperature got lower.  The sun stopped shinning.  It started taking 3 times as long to leave the house and somewhere along the line leaving just became not worth it all. The girls started crawling the walls and fighting because we couldn't go for a walk and they couldn't ride their bikes; they were now relegated to playing within 250 square feet, together, all the time.

Then Christmas came. We decided to intentionally cut back this year. Cut back on presents, parties and activities.  We wanted to focus on the birth of our Savior instead on getting wrapped up in all "the stuff". In the end we spent the week between Christmas and New Year's sick, each one of us taking our turn. We missed every family get together but we got a quiet and subdued Christmas that left us all a little more than stir crazy.

And somewhere along the way I lost my joy.

When you loose your joy it's really easy to start believing all those old lies.  I don't know what your old lies are, but for me it boils down to my identity. I'm a stay at home mom and (most of the time) I feel incredibly blessed be able to stay home with my girls.  But then the doubts creep in. Their not getting along, I must be doing something wrong. Or my 3 1/2 year old isn't potty trained yet, I'm such a disgrace. Or I let them have too much screen time, I'm such a loser.  And then I take it one step further and decide that my identity doesn't go beyond the four walls of my house. Surely I don't matter to anyone else. What would they want me for anyway when I'm doing a fine job messing up my kids???

We haven't been to church since before Christmas. Last Sunday I was questioning whether our kids immunity systems were up to an outing but in the end it was the -32 degree windchill that finally made me say forget it. My sweet husband told me I should go to church, he'd stay home with the kids. As I was putting on my makeup and getting ready to go, the recording of my old lies started playing in my head. So instead of going to church I had a panic attack on my bathroom floor.

My husband suggested we find a sermon to watch instead. We decided on a sermon by Andy Stanley called "In the Meantime".  If you are at all relating to my post so far I highly encourage you to watch the video. Andy Stanley starts off by asking "What do you do when there is nothing you can do? When it is what it is?"  The question caught my attention immediately.

Because there isn't really much I can do about my geographical location.  Even if we could up and move or even "winter" somewhere warm it wouldn't be an immediate solution. I would still be isolated from my friends and my family.  And I really do love living where we do the half of the year that it's not winter.

So what do you do when there is nothing you can do? Nothing that will make your situation better? Or what if doing something would make your situation worse? You can't change another person's feelings any more than you can change the weather. So now what?

We can run, give up, get angry. We can start to believe the old lies. The lies that make us believe we'll never be happy again or that nothing good will come from this. The lies that have us believing that there is no point in continuing and wondering if God even cares. This is dangerous territory, my friends.

This is where we need to pull the e-brake and reflect on what we know to be true. God is never absent. Sure we can really easily tune God out, but that doesn't mean He went anywhere.

Be strong and courageous.

Do not be afraid,

for the Lord goes with you.

He will not leave your or forsake you.

Deuteronomy 31:6

At the end of the sermon, Andy Stanley has everyone repeat out loud these statements:

• I can be happy again.
• Something good can come from this.
• There's a purpose for this plan.

I was sobbing again by this point and I heard God whisper in my heart, "I'm here. I'm doing something you don't understand right now; preparing you for something you can't see. There is a purpose to this pain and this season. You are my child whom I love. You matter to me."

You matter. You are a child of the King. You have a purpose and there is a purpose for this pain. You will be happy again. Be strong and courageous, friend. The Lord is for you.

Because I, your God

have a firm grip on you and I'm not letting go.

I'm telling you 'Don't panic.

I'm right here to help you.'

Isaiah 41:13 {The Message}

My friend Shelly, who is so good at speaking truth, also wrote about her perspective on winter. You can read it on her blog, Just Trying to find My Way.