I've lost my joy...

I haven't written in a while. I've missed it. I've had loads of ideas but I haven't made the time to write them down. And then the other day it hit me. I think it's because I've lost some joy. Joy in writing, joy in being a stay at home mom, joy in life.

My doctor always told me that I probably suffered from Seasonal Affective Disorder. My doctor is a very smart lady; but I never really considered it because I always had so much other junk going on that I could contribute my depression, sadness or loss of joy to.  Like the regular depression that comes when life is stressful, or pregnancy, or baby blues.

But over the last couple of years I feel like I've turned a corner and gotten a control over my depression and anxiety. It was like God had fully opened my eyes and a huge weight was taken off of my shoulders. I went into this winter season feeling strong and confident.

Then the days got shorter and the temperature got lower.  The sun stopped shinning.  It started taking 3 times as long to leave the house and somewhere along the line leaving just became not worth it all. The girls started crawling the walls and fighting because we couldn't go for a walk and they couldn't ride their bikes; they were now relegated to playing within 250 square feet, together, all the time.

Then Christmas came. We decided to intentionally cut back this year. Cut back on presents, parties and activities.  We wanted to focus on the birth of our Savior instead on getting wrapped up in all "the stuff". In the end we spent the week between Christmas and New Year's sick, each one of us taking our turn. We missed every family get together but we got a quiet and subdued Christmas that left us all a little more than stir crazy.

And somewhere along the way I lost my joy.

When you loose your joy it's really easy to start believing all those old lies.  I don't know what your old lies are, but for me it boils down to my identity. I'm a stay at home mom and (most of the time) I feel incredibly blessed be able to stay home with my girls.  But then the doubts creep in. Their not getting along, I must be doing something wrong. Or my 3 1/2 year old isn't potty trained yet, I'm such a disgrace. Or I let them have too much screen time, I'm such a loser.  And then I take it one step further and decide that my identity doesn't go beyond the four walls of my house. Surely I don't matter to anyone else. What would they want me for anyway when I'm doing a fine job messing up my kids???

We haven't been to church since before Christmas. Last Sunday I was questioning whether our kids immunity systems were up to an outing but in the end it was the -32 degree windchill that finally made me say forget it. My sweet husband told me I should go to church, he'd stay home with the kids. As I was putting on my makeup and getting ready to go, the recording of my old lies started playing in my head. So instead of going to church I had a panic attack on my bathroom floor.

My husband suggested we find a sermon to watch instead. We decided on a sermon by Andy Stanley called "In the Meantime".  If you are at all relating to my post so far I highly encourage you to watch the video. Andy Stanley starts off by asking "What do you do when there is nothing you can do? When it is what it is?"  The question caught my attention immediately.

Because there isn't really much I can do about my geographical location.  Even if we could up and move or even "winter" somewhere warm it wouldn't be an immediate solution. I would still be isolated from my friends and my family.  And I really do love living where we do the half of the year that it's not winter.

So what do you do when there is nothing you can do? Nothing that will make your situation better? Or what if doing something would make your situation worse? You can't change another person's feelings any more than you can change the weather. So now what?

We can run, give up, get angry. We can start to believe the old lies. The lies that make us believe we'll never be happy again or that nothing good will come from this. The lies that have us believing that there is no point in continuing and wondering if God even cares. This is dangerous territory, my friends.

This is where we need to pull the e-brake and reflect on what we know to be true. God is never absent. Sure we can really easily tune God out, but that doesn't mean He went anywhere.

Be strong and courageous.

Do not be afraid,

for the Lord goes with you.

He will not leave your or forsake you.

Deuteronomy 31:6

At the end of the sermon, Andy Stanley has everyone repeat out loud these statements:

• I can be happy again.
• Something good can come from this.
• There's a purpose for this plan.

I was sobbing again by this point and I heard God whisper in my heart, "I'm here. I'm doing something you don't understand right now; preparing you for something you can't see. There is a purpose to this pain and this season. You are my child whom I love. You matter to me."

You matter. You are a child of the King. You have a purpose and there is a purpose for this pain. You will be happy again. Be strong and courageous, friend. The Lord is for you.

Because I, your God

have a firm grip on you and I'm not letting go.

I'm telling you 'Don't panic.

I'm right here to help you.'

Isaiah 41:13 {The Message}

My friend Shelly, who is so good at speaking truth, also wrote about her perspective on winter. You can read it on her blog, Just Trying to find My Way.