Best and Worst of 2013...

My photo a day prompt the other day was "the best bits of 2013" and yet as I sit here and reflect on the year I can't help but remember "the worst bits of 2013".  The year began in a dark place for me, full of isolation and heavy with tears.  Feeling cold, empty, confused and alone.

 And yet I don't want to forget it. I don't want to forget the feeling of coming out of that dark place into glorious sunshine.  Arriving in a place full of healing and grace and hope.

There's an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth:

A right time for birth and another for death,

A right time to plant and another to reap,

A right time to kill and another to heal,

A right time to destroy and another to construct,

A right time to cry and another to laugh,

A right time to lament and another to cheer,

A right time to make love and another to abstain,

A right time to embrace and another to part,

A right time to search and another to count your losses,

A right time to hold on and another to let go,

A right time to rip out and another to mend,

A right time to shut up and another to speak up,

A right time to love and another to hate,

A right time to wage war and another to make peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Father God, grant me discernment in 2014. Help me to understand what "time" it is.  Guide me through the next year's challenges and help me to celebrate the moments of joy.  Remind me I can't have the best bits without also having the worst bits, but that you are there no matter what time it is.  Thank you Lord for your grace. Thank you for you love. Amen.

Revolution...

I've received such a crazy wonderful response from sharing my testimony.  Thank you so much to those of you who prayed and shared your kind words with me.  I'm flattered and humbled.  My story is mine, but the words, Jesus gave them all to me and then gave me the courage to share them.

I gave my testimony twice, once at our Christmas Eve Eve service and again on Christmas Eve.  That first day, last Monday, I was so nervous.  I was practicing reading it to no one and I couldn't even get through it without hyperventilating.  I finally just had to stop practicing and trust that God would take care of it.

I was feeling attacked from every direction that day. I woke up with a terrible headache and a sore throat. My kids were fighting and whinny and clingy and I was so short with them.  I took Eva to a friends house to have two very loose teeth pulled out and she of course handled it in her own dramatic fashion. While I was gone Mia puked all over Dana while he was home for lunch.

I was mad at that point.  I said "Satan, you can mess with me, but leave my kids alone!"  I called upon my own personal prayer warriors and both girls were fine after that.

By the time I got to church my heart was racing and my knees were knocking.  I told myself over and over, "This is not about me, it's all about Jesus."  I missed most of the worship songs and the sermon and then my husband was letting me know it was time to make our way to the front, I think I went in to autopilot.  Before I knew it I was at the microphone reading my prepared testimony.  I even caught myself looking up now and again.  I was thankful that that the spotlight prevented me from really seeing anyone, except one lady sitting in the second row, her smile so friendly and radiating.  Before I knew it we were singing "Silent Night" and it was over.

The response and the hugs I got after was amazing.  My husband and I stayed up late talking and giddy.  The next morning I woke up expecting to be attacked again but I wasn't.  The day was so peaceful, I was so excited to share what Jesus had given me again.  Then I found out that 18 people had chosen to put their faith in Christ from the previous services. I was pumped!  This time I enjoyed the music and the sermon. My heart did still flutter as I headed up front but there were no knocking knees or hyperventilating. Whew!

There aren't even adequate words to describe how wonderful the whole experience was. And that a total of thirty four people chose a life following Jesus was the icing on the cake. Hallelujah!

The next couple of days were spent with family doing the normal Christmas-y things but I couldn't help but feel such a let down. Pretty soon I was weepy at the drop of a hat. I was having trouble sleeping. I fell into my old patterns of negative, self destructive talk in my head.  What was wrong with me? Didn't I just tell a whole lot of people that Jesus had taken that all from me? I was feeling like such a failure.

The windchill was 34 below zero this morning when we loaded up our troop for church.  I was not very excited to be going to church and even less excited about taking our little girls out in the cold.  But my husband, being himself would not relent. (More often than not I am thankful for this later, but not in the moment.)

The sermon was about a New Year's Revolution as opposed to a resolution.  A revolution is a sudden, complete or marked change. Our pastor said that we could choose to focus on our wounds, our hurt, our challenges or we could move forward and choose life. (Deuteronomy 30:19)

Then our pastor challenged me. He asked if we were following the 'natural path' or if we were fixing our eyes on Jesus and following His path? Do I know how God sees me?

And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.
2 Corinthians 3:18

The Lord sees us in all of our potential and who He has created us to be. Perfectly and wonderfully made. And then, in one of my favorite verses of the whole Bible it says "The LORD your God is with you. He is mighty to save.  He will take great delight in you. The quietness of His love will calm you. He will sing with joy because of you." Zephaniah 3:17

Friends, what I need is so much bigger that anything this world can offer me.  What I need is a mighty savior.  One who doesn't see me as a failure, sitting in my pit of negativity, worry and fear.  Instead He sees me as His child and in His image.  He takes delight in me! In me!

On the brink of a revolution, I am claiming this verse for my 2014:

"Trust me", He said...

A few weeks ago I received an email asking me if I would consider sharing my testimony at our church's Christmas Eve service. I literally started hyperventilating while reading it and yet, my head was screaming "Yes!".  What?!?

A friend of mine happened to stop by right after I got the email and she said sweetly "We'll just pray about it."  And pray we did.  Even though my body started to panic every time I thought about it my head remained very calm. I took this as God's prompting and agreed.

Every day I prayed God would give me the words he wanted me to share.  And the days flew by and I still had nothing.  I found myself sitting in church last week, trying to watch my 2 year old sing "Away in the Manager" but my heart was racing and my palms were sweating and I was panicking.

I found myself explaining to God that Christmas was just over a week away (like He didn't know or something). I needed the words! I needed them now! And then this peace washed over me and He said "Trust me." and I didn't have any choice but to do just that.

The next day I sat down with my pastor. I thought maybe if I knew what to expect from the service that it would help me to get started.  He went over the order of the service with me and told me what he had planned for the sermon. Then he encouraged me to write it like a blog post and that part was genius.

I sat down that night and the words flowed out of my fingertips and across the keys almost faster than I could type. I realized that I had had to wait for the words until I knew what the sermon was going to be on. I sent it off to my pastor and he helped me clarify a few points and then told he told me it was perfect. I even started to get a little excited about sharing it and how God would use it.

I was laying in bed one night, unable to sleep when I was struck with absolute fear.  I realized some of the things I was going to share in my testimony I hadn't ever really said out loud, except to my husband. I have shared most of it here before but maybe I'm naive enough to think there is a certain anonymity with my blog.  It's so easy to hit "publish", put on my jammies and crawl in to bed.

And then there was the alarm I felt when my husband said we should invite our families.  It's not that I didn't want them there, I do.  It's just that I don't want them to come to hear me. I don't want anyone to come to hear me because it's not about me.  It's all about Jesus.

Then just this morning a sweet friend texted me to say she was praying for me and asking if I was anxious.  I told her that I've been keeping myself distracted with my girls and reciting verses in my head all morning. I also shared, at the risk of sounding superficial, that I was most worried about having to "get ready".  I still don't know what I'm going to wear, or do with my hair or how I'll cover my face.  This is always when Satan attacks me, when I'm trying to make myself "presentable".

And she responded with "In Matthew when he talks about worry he specifically says "don't worry about what you will wear"...I know this is really a metaphor, but it's not worth our time. Pray instead that no matter how you look people see the Holy Spirit in you. How beautiful is that to look at?!"

I realized that this had been my prayer all along. That God would receive the glory. That I could be His vessel to share His message. And so here it is:

It’s been nearly 20 years since I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I had seen councilors, taken various prescription medications and gone through an outpatient treatment program to learn coping skills. Most of the time I just felt numb.

About 10 years ago I was driving along a stretch of highway 22 between here and Hutchinson crying my eyes out.  I was tired of going through my days in a fog, feeling sad and lonely and broken.  I didn’t know where else to turn. I had lost hope.  I pulled my car over and in desperation cried out for Jesus to enter my heart and to fix me.

I was naive enough to think I would feel some miraculous healing, but I didn’t.  I did however start going back to church. I had grown up going to church sometimes and to Sunday school most of the time.  I knew all the Bible stories and had memorized verses but after I was confirmed there just didn’t seem to be a lot of reason for me to keep going to church.

 I met my husband at church.  He accepted me and all my imperfection and has shown me every day what unconditional love looks like.  It felt like walking out of a dark forest and feeling the sunshine on your face.  I thought I had found a cure in my faith.

Somewhere after the birth of our first daughter, Eva the joy started to slip away. I started to close in on myself. Even though I had Jesus in my life now, a doting husband and a precious baby, it wasn't enough. We struggled financially. We had a miscarriage and then had our daughters Lorelei and Amelia 14 months apart.

There were so many highs and lows I couldn't keep up and somewhere along the way I lost myself in the gloom.  Last winter I found myself admitting to my husband that I was having thoughts of taking my life. Even though I firmly believed I wouldn't act on them it scared me that they were there, inside my head. So I made a choice.

I chose to once again to cry out to Jesus, not to fix me this time, but to lead me. First He led me to a bible study called Made to Crave.  It changed not only the way I thought about food but the way I looked at myself.  It made me rediscover who I was as God’s child. Loved, accepted and wanted.

Then He led me to take a long hard look at my family.  My relationship with Dana was not what it should be so I chose to focus on showing him love, everyday. The depth of our love now has grown immensely. Most days my kids left me feeling tired and drained so I decided to seek joy in everyday things and to give thanks at the end of each day.  Now it’s hard not to look at my kids in complete awe.

I sought out God’s promises for me and I surrounded myself with them and then ever so slowly the negativity stopped ruling my days.  God began restoring my passion and my hope.  He began healing broken relationships in my life. He lifted the fog from my eyes and He filled me with joy. 

I once was lost but now I am found.

If you would like to join us in worship of our King at Cornerstone, services are at 7 pm tonight and 3:30 pm and 5:00 pm tomorrow (Christmas Eve).  *The 3:30 pm service will be directed towards families with young children.*

Answered prayers...

I was chatting with my husband tonight and we were discussing his going back to school.  I asked him if he remembers what prompted him wanting to go back and neither one of us can remember the conversation or how it went.  And yet from the very first time he asked me if I thought he could do it, which wasn't that long ago (we're talking weeks) it's felt completely right.

Absolutely everything has gone entirely smoothly from applying, to transferring credits from ten years ago (they took everything except zoology?), to registering from classes. His employer has been absolutely supportive and flexible. The head of the manufacturing engineering department very helpful.  We were just waiting for the financial piece to fall into place and he'd be set to start classes in a few weeks.

I received a message from my husband at 2:02 pm today telling me that he had gotten the email stating he'd get 'x' amount of money, probably just enough to cover tuition and books.  This news in and of it itself was fantastic but my stomach dropped a bit and I asked him, "but how will we get you a laptop?"  We had hoped the money he was going to get would cover a laptop as well.  I knew that a laptop was not in our budget, especially now at Christmas but that it was essential for him in his schooling.

He replied with "I don't know." I loathe when he says that.  He's the guy who always knows.  I count on him knowing.  When he says "I don't know." I panic.

Thankfully I didn't have a lot of time to get myself real worked up.  At 3:02 pm today I got another message from my husband.  It said "your brother just told me he won a laptop at work and that I could use it for school."

Wow.

My response was the same one I gave him when he asked me to marry him, "Are you kidding?".  I mean why would he kid about either of these things, but I had to know if he was serious.  He said he was not kidding, my brother had just sent him a text.

My brother stopped by after work tonight and dropped off the laptop.  He already has a laptop and wasn't even going to bother entering the drawing but my mom said he should because 1. he is constantly winning the prizes at work, it's so ridiculous I'm surprised they still let him enter them and 2. she was sure that Dana could use it even if my brother couldn't.

I have seen God work in our life and I have seen him answer our prayers but I don't know that I have ever seen it so quickly or so blatantly.  It kind of takes my breath away.

I never doubted that my husband could go back to school.  I know he'll do amazingly well like he does with everything else.  I know that the next few years won't be easy with him working full time and going to school part time but I do know that this is exactly what he is supposed to be doing.  God has made that perfectly clear.

Happier giving than getting...

My six year old daughter is awesome.  She is smart and kind and funny.  And she has this not so subtle dramatic flair about her. So I didn't hesitate to sign her up for a Little Actors class last summer and she discovered she loved the spotlight, go figure.

A couple of months ago we learned of auditions for The Best Christmas Pageant Ever and let her try out.  She snagged a spot in the angel choir and a had a couple of lines.  After five long weeks of practice it was performance time.  I was able to go to all three productions and each time she delivered her lines, "Mrs. Bradley, you can have my baby brother for Jesus! .... He's not new. He's four years old. But he's double jointed and he could probably scrunch up." I cried happy, proud mama tears.  

Her confidence on the stage was visible as you could clearly hear her singing (off key) but it was music to my ears.  One of those mom moments when you thought for sure you heart would burst and overflow with love and joy.

She came home from her cast party on a high from performing, mixed with a bit of sugar.  We had her settled in bed, reading and trying to unwind and find and sleep. I was clearly not thinking when I choose that moment to go in to her room to show her the fantastic present I had found for her gift exchange at school. A giant Little Mermaid coloring book, an amazing find for $3.

She started to sob. She agreed it was fantastic, so great that she wanted it for herself. I tried to turn it into a teaching moment but quickly grew frustrated by her tears and stubbornness and my husband took over trying to reason with her. 

She had made a good argument that almost made me cave though.  She was worried about what she would get.  Surely, if she was to give away such a large and fantastic thing she should get something equally amazing in return.  See last year in her class's gift exchange she got hand sanitizer.  Even if it was Strawberry Shortcake and came with a cool little clip to hook it to your backpack, it was hand sanitizer. I felt bad that she had gotten such a bummer of a gift but I tried to explain how good it would feel to make someone happy with that gift and that in the end it wouldn't matter what she got.  I thought for sure that all my words had fallen on deaf ears.  It was one of those mom moments when I my heart felt heavy and like it might crack from the pressure.

We gave her three options and told her to think it over.  1. She could keep the giant coloring book, but she would have to miss out on her Christmas party at school.  2. We could return the coloring book and she could pick out something herself to put in the gift exchange. 3. She could make the choice to give it away and not worry about what she would in turn receive.

The next day I asked her if she had thought about what she would do.  She replied "I decided to give it away.  There was a little voice in my head or something that told me it is better to give than to receive. Or maybe I read it somewhere."

I wanted to shout "That was my voice in your head!" but I knew it had been the Holy Spirit talking to her, working on her thoughts.  I told her that she had indeed read it somewhere, for "give more than you receive" is one of our "house rules". I told her that mommy and daddy had gotten that little tidbit right out of the Bible and that surprised her. So we grabbed her Bible and turned to Acts 20:35 and I had her read aloud "In everything I did, I showed you that by this kind of hard work we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said: 'It is more blessed to give than to receive.'"

Que bursting heart of love and joy.

Living water...

I was catching up with a friend yesterday. I told her how I felt like I was on top of a proverbial mountain; how God was bringing such peace and restoration to my life.  How I felt that God was revealing to me a purpose in my life and giving me the words to share with others.  It's an absolutely glorious feeling.

Yet I can't help but feel anxious at the same time, because I've been on the mountain top before and it's usually followed by a trip through the valley.  I feel like I just emerged from the valley, I don't want to go back there!

Then she shared with me this illustration: if I was a serious mountain climber I would never be able to hang out on the mountain top for very long.  The air is thin there and it would be dangerous to stay there too long.  And then she asked me, why do we fight the valley? Valleys are typically very beautiful.

I mulled this over for a while and then I found myself googling "valley".  I came up with a lot words like low, dark, foggy which are intimidating words.  But what I also found is that almost every definition or description of a valley said "often having a river or stream flowing through it".

I immediately recalled the story of Jesus talking to the Samaritan woman at the well. Jesus asks her for a drink and she taken aback because Jews did not associate with Samaritans and Jesus says to her "If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would given you living water." (John 4:10). She asks where to find this living water and Jesus says "Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life." (verses 13 & 14).

I dug a little deeper and found John 7:37-39 Now on the last day, the day of the great feast, Jesus stood and cried out, saying, "If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink. He who believes in Me, as the scripture said, 'From his inmost being will flow rivers of living water.'"  But this he spoke of the Spirit, whom those who believed in Him were to receive; for the Spirit was not yet given because Jesus was not yet glorified.

It's a simple and well known fact that our physical bodies need water to live. But God designed us that we would need water to spiritually live too; living water, the Holy Spirit.  So as marvelous as these mountain tops are I think walking through the valley is what allows us to drink in the living water.

Surprisingly, a trip through the valley doesn't sound as scary, maybe even a little exciting.  Knowing that God will be there guiding my path and restoring my soul...

The Lord is my Shepard, I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures;

He leads me beside quiet waters.

He restores my soul; 

He guides me in the path of righteousness

For His name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley

of the shadow of death, 

I fear no evil,

for You are with me;

Your rod and Your staff,

they comfort me.

Psalm 23:1-4

Attitude...

I'm not sure who said "Attitude is everything." but they were so right.  Yesterday I was having one of those days where it was just so hard to have a good attitude about anything.  The harder I tried the more I got sucked in my own negativity.  I was tired and tired of feeling tired. The kids were cranky. It was snowing...a lot.  Then I finally had to say enough is enough.  I put Mia down for a nap and then put in a good workout of putting Lorelei in her snow gear.  We went outside to play and wait for Eva to get home from school and I could feel my bad attitude blow away with the swirling snowflakes.

I know it's not always that easy.  I spent many months trapped in my negativity.  It was last winter in fact.  To protect our baby who was born premature we decided to spend the winter "hibernating".  What that boiled down to was I left the house twice a week.  Once to grocery shop and once to go to bible study.  The walls of my already small house quickly closed in on me.

When Mia was about 8 months (and 4 months into hibernation) she started to regress if you will.  She simply stopped sitting and refused to be put in a sitting position.  She wasn't doing well with eating baby food and then she started to struggle with bottles too.  Now for a mama who has been hibernating for 4 months with a baby and a danger-seeking curious one year old it was almost more than I could take.

There was particular day that was going very badly.  It must have been the weekend because my husband and Eva were home to witness my frustration.  I was trying to feed Mia and she was struggling and refusing.  I threw the bottle across the room. It broke open leaving a sticky trail of formula down the wall and puddled on the floor.  I set Mia down on the floor and simply walked out of the house, slamming the door.  I got in the car and started driving, nowhere.  I was crying so hard I probably shouldn't have been driving but I felt like if I didn't escape my bad attitude it was going to make me explode.

It's funny what we do when our attitudes go south.  Kids throw tantrums.  I myself tend to cry, yell, slam doors...similar to a tantrum I suppose.  I wish I had the restraint of my husband.  When he's having a bad day he disappears to the basement and tackles the laundry with increased fervor. Somedays I think he's superhuman but I'm pretty sure God put us together so that he would balance my erratic ups and downs.

It was shortly after that episode when I witnessed one of Eva's tantrums.  I could so clearly see myself in her that it quite frankly scared me.  I didn't want to be this way and I didn't want her to think it was okay.  So began mission good attitude.

It involved a lot of prayer, continuous prayer to see things the way God sees them.  I had been participating in an online photo a day challenge for some time by then but it was amazing the way I started seeing differently.  Seeing beauty and being awestruck.

I kept a journal handy, on the top of the page I wrote "Joy is..." and everyday I would challenge myself to see joy in things and write it down and then reread it a hundred times. In those really, really frustrating moments I would go in another room and take deep breathes or if Dana was home I'd head for a walk or a bath or my bedroom.  And ever so slowly my negativity stopped ruling my days.

One night Dana and I sat down and wrote out a list of "house rules" to serve as a reminder to us and as an example to our kids of who we are and strive to be.  It did get a bit lengthy but we did it with the understanding that none of us are perfect, but there is grace. We keep it displayed in our kitchen, the hub of our home, so we all can see it.  And when an issue arises we can gently point out "rule number 12...." or whichever applies.

I was watching Veggie Tales "Sweetpea Beauty" with my girls and there was a part that struck me and has stayed with me.  Prince Larry says "How is it that you find beauty in everything?" Sweetpea replies "I don't. It's God who see the beauty in everything. I just choose to agree with him."

And so I choose to agree with him too and things (and my attitude) are ever so much brighter.

Rejoice...

For the last several months I have had this nagging cough.  The kind that keeps you awake at night but doesn't bother you during the day so you forget all about it.  I've tried everything I can think of to get rid of the cough but it continues to linger.

Last week the cough sparked a mighty asthma attack. One that forced me to abandon my cart at Wal-mart and go home (being me, I did return everything that I had placed in my cart to it's proper place on the shelf before ditching the cart).  I laid on the living room floor wondering at what point I would ask my husband to take me to the ER.  He meanwhile was googling ways to help me breathe.  He came across a homeopathic remedy that was said to help and asked if it was one I had on hand.  It just so happened to be the same one a friend had dropped off that afternoon.  I took and with in minutes I was breathing again. Divine intervention.

The next morning I woke up feeling like I had swallowed razor blades and so completely wiped out from the lack of sleep and the latest attack. My husband told me enough was enough and urged me to go and get some chest x-rays.  As I waiting for the doc to take a look at them I didn't know how to pray.  Let there be something wrong so that the doctor can treat me and the cough will go away? Let everything be okay but, Lord, please take the cough away?  The chest x-rays were clear.  However the doctor did inform me I had both a sinus infection and an ear infection.  My sinuses and my ear weren't even bothering me! Why Lord? Why is it always something?

About an hour after my 6 year old came home from school that day I noticed what looked like a rash appearing on her face.  As the evening progressed hives started to spread all over body. Early the next morning I heard her calling for me.  I bolted out of bed to find her throwing up. When she stood up she started to cry and panic saying everything had gone black and she couldn't see.  We headed to the ER.  The doc was stumped as to what was causing the hives that were continuing to get worse but said it wasn't uncommon not to know the cause.  That night the hives continue to spread until she was covered from her head to her toes.  My anxiety was through the roof.  Why God, why?

As I tucked Eva in bed that night I saw that she had copied a bible verse and it hung it on her closet door.

But Lord, I am so miserable and so tired!  I am worried about my little girl and tomorrow is Thanksgiving! You want me to Rejoice?!?!

I was expressing my irritation to my husband about how there was "always something".  His reply made me think.  He said that maybe it was to keep me humble and dependent on God, like the thorn in Paul's side.

Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in my weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.  2 Corinthians 12:7b-10

So I will rejoice for this cough in my chest and know that God's power is being made perfect in my weakness.