My pregnancy was awful. I was sicker than sick the first five months. I had to quit my job. My husband was working construction and at the time was laid off. I went in to preterm labor and spent the last few weeks on bed rest. He'd get me situated on the couch in the morning and then push the card table up to me. We spent endless hours playing board games and filling notebooks with the timing of my contractions. I was over the moon in love with Eva before I met her and was amazed at how much more I loved her once I held her in my arms. She was simply amazing.
We came home the picture of the perfect family but things were so hard. I was desperate to nurse her but wasn't physically able. She lost weight and we had to wake her up every two hours to feed her. We thought she was colicky but I wonder now if the poor girls wasn't just hungry. I physically ached for her anytime she was out of the room that I turned down all offers for any kind of help. I was stubborn and strong willed and thought motherhood was something I had to figure out on my own.
I became anxious all the time. I started having panic attacks more frequently. I couldn't sleep. I ate everything in sight. I cried almost every day. And I completely shut everyone else out. I wasn't interested in anything. I had no sense of self and couldn't even remember who I used to be.
I had had physical complications after delivering Eva and at one of my check ups the doctor had me answer some questions related to depression and anxiety. It became quite clear that I was a mess both physically and emotionally. I was prescribed antidepressants and physical therapy and I think it evened me out a bit.
After having Eva I wanted to have another baby right away even though my pregnancy had been horrendous and I was suffering physically and emotionally. Road construction wasn't booming and we were in a bad spot financially but I had always thought it would be great to have two kids so close in age. The more time that passed the more disappointed I grew.
When Eva was around two I had come to the conclusion that maybe God intended us to be a family of three. I started parting with the baby things I had been saving and I had peace. When Eva was almost three we found out we were expecting.
This pregnancy was different. My morning sickness faded after a few weeks and I started to feel great. My doctor wanted to see me sooner than normal because of my history. At my first appointment he ordered an ultrasound to make sure everything was going well. I was so excited to have an early ultrasound that I didn't think that anything would not be perfect.
I remember the ultrasound technician asking a lot of questions and wanting to know if I was sure about my dates. She was very kind and thorough. She was having trouble finding the heartbeat. But she assured me over and over that it could be because I was so early and maybe my dates were wrong. I had little hope that she was right. She made a phone call to my doctor and he said he wanted to see me right away.
He confirmed my worst nightmare. He said that I had been feeling so good because my body had stopped producing the hormones needed during pregnancy. He said the baby was not living and that we were going to have a miscarriage. A few days later, maybe a week, we lost the baby and my heart shattered.
We named the baby Kason Bliss meaning "pure" and "joy". We held a small service at our house and planted a tree that would flower in the spring outside our living room window. I feel into deep grief. The pain was excruciating and then I was numb. And then as my would be "due date" approached I was consumed in heartache all over again.
Two weeks after the date had passed I sat in the doctors office as she explained that we were going to try a new asthma medication and oh by the way, I was pregnant. I was scared and nervous and excited. But I was miserably sick for which I was thankful.
I was just as in awe of Lorelei when she was born. Though things were not any easier when I brought her home. Lorelei cried a lot and slept very little. Eva was jealous and regressed and had frequent outbursts. I quickly found myself battling the same postpartum depression demons.
A really great friend of mine told me "Look, you can be mad at me and yell and cry but I'm going to tell you you are not okay. But you will be. You need the drugs." So back to the doctor I went for the antidepressants I really didn't like.
When Lorelei was six months old I felt like I was figuring out how to survive the day. We were hitting our groove and then just like that I was crying over another positive pregnancy test. See, my sweet Amelia was not in my plan, not then anyway. (And she's got a story that's all her own.)
Now that I'm far enough out of that blurry, dark time I can see that God's plan and my plan are not always going to line up. I can also see how God's plan trumps my plan every time. I can even see how God's got a sense of humor. I got my two babies close in age, fourteen months and 1 day to be exact.
What I don't see is how God is going to use my struggles with depression and anxiety or my experiences with grief and loss. But I have faith that my suffering was not in vain whether I see how He uses it or not.
If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter.
He does our praying in and for us,making prayer out of wordless sighs, our aching groans.
He knows us far better than we know ourselves and keeps us present before God.
That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God
is worked into something good. Romans 8:28
If you are someone who is suffering from depression or you know someone who is, please reach out and talk to someone. Know that you are not alone and that there is help out there. Here is a great site with resources to help you: HELPGUIDE.ORG. You can also call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK or the National Hopeline Network at 1-800-SUICIDE 24 hours a day.
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