Self-control...

The alarm went off this morning and I didn't move.  I had found my sweet spot, perfectly warm and comfortable.  My husband leaned over and said "You don't have to get up with me. You can go back to sleep."  But I knew I needed my time with the Lord so I lingered a minute longer and threw off the covers.

After breakfast and seeing my husband off to work I settled on the couch with my devotional, Bible and journal ready to hear what the Lord had for me today.  And then I found today's particular devotional surprisingly lacking.  It was about disappointment.  Now I'm not immune to disappointment and on a different day it may have struck me as profound but today it left me wanting more.

So I flipped my Bible open and read the Psalm that the devotional referenced but that wasn't really cutting it either. So not knowing where to go next I flipped a few more pages and found myself in Proverbs.  I chose Proverbs 25 since it's the 25th today and started reading; and that's where I found what my heart was seeking this morning.

If you find honey, eat just enough-

too much of it, and you will vomit.

(verse 16, NIV)

When you're given a box of candy, don't gulp it all down;

eat too much chocolate and you'll make yourself sick.

(verse 16, The Message)

It is not good to eat too much honey, 

nor is it honorable to sear out matters that are too deep.

Like a city whose walls are broken through

is a person who lacks self-control.

(verses 27-28, NIV)

It is not smart to stuff yourself with sweets,

nor is glory piled on glory good for you.

A person without self-control

is like a house with its doors and windows knocked out.

(verses 27-28, The Message)

My Bible commentary noted that a city with broken-down walls was defenseless against attacks from the enemy. Likewise, a person with no self-control has no defenses against the attacks of temptation.  Self-control is a protective "wall" that repels temptation.

See even though I got out of bed and prepared my heart for time with the Lord this morning I had already let Satan start attacking me.  This morning I stepped on the scale, even though I usually reserve that for Thursdays (bible study day), I went ahead and stepped on it anyway.  Then I promptly chucked the lesson about "my weight loss goal is peace and not a number" that we are learning this week out the window and became disgruntled.  Eight more pounds to go...forget the eighty-six that already left.

Then I went to get dressed and grabbed a sweater because it's supposed to be another chilly one today.  And yet I've found myself pulling it and adjusting all morning. Obsessing about how it clings to my problem areas just a little too much.  I declared to my husband that I don't like this sweater because it makes me look fat. I told him I need to start working out more.  In my head I was banishing all sorts of things I should stop eating.  He reassured me that I beautiful in this sweater and I quickly dismissed his compliment because he's suppose to say that, right?

Then I sat down and read these verses.  At first I thought I still held some self-control because my biter thoughts hadn't sent me into the kitchen in search of honey or chocolate or something sweet to binge on, yet. But the day was early and I knew it'd be a matter of time.  Then I read it again, a person with no self-control is defenseless against attacks. Self-control is a "wall" that repels temptation.

See I don't think self-control is just applied to food or sex or spending money or anything else that we are tempted to indulge in.  Self-control also applies to our thoughts and if I can't control my thoughts than I am surely defenseless when the attack strikes...and then keep on coming.

Lord, help me build a wall of self-control, in my thoughts, in my words and in my actions today. 

So put away all pride from yourselves.

You are standing under the powerful hand of God.

At the right time He will lift you up.

Give all your worries to Him because He cares for you.

Keep awake! Watch at all times.

The devil is working against you.

He is walking around like a hungry lion with his mouth open.

He is looking for someone to eat.

1 Peter 5:6-8

Baby blues and loss...

My husband and I were sitting in church one day, a few months after we were married when a couple with a new baby sat in front of us.  I hadn't thought a lot about having kids before then but that day that baby kept eyeing me and smiling at me and my heart ached.  We went out for lunch after church and I brought up the idea of having a baby.  My husband was thrilled with the idea. And he was still thrilled another month later when I was jumping on the bed with a positive pregnancy test.

My pregnancy was awful.  I was sicker than sick the first five months. I had to quit my job. My husband was working construction and at the time was laid off.  I went in to preterm labor and spent the last few weeks on bed rest. He'd get me situated on the couch in the morning and then push the card table up to me.  We spent endless hours playing board games and filling notebooks with the timing of my contractions.  I was over the moon in love with Eva before I met her and was amazed at how much more I loved her once I held her in my arms.  She was simply amazing.

We came home the picture of the perfect family but things were so hard.  I was desperate to nurse her but wasn't physically able.  She lost weight and we had to wake her up every two hours to feed her.  We thought she was colicky but I wonder now if the poor girls wasn't just hungry.  I physically ached for her anytime she was out of the room that I turned down all offers for any kind of help.  I was stubborn and strong willed and thought motherhood was something I had to figure out on my own.

I became anxious all the time. I started having panic attacks more frequently. I couldn't sleep.  I ate everything in sight.  I cried almost every day.  And I completely shut everyone else out.  I wasn't interested in anything. I had no sense of self and couldn't even remember who I used to be.

I had had physical complications after delivering Eva and at one of my check ups the doctor had me answer some questions related to depression and anxiety.  It became quite clear that I was a mess both physically and emotionally.  I was prescribed antidepressants and physical therapy and I think it evened me out a bit.

After having Eva I wanted to have another baby right away even though my pregnancy had been horrendous and I was suffering physically and emotionally. Road construction wasn't booming and we were in a bad spot financially but I had always thought it would be great to have two kids so close in age.  The more time that passed the more disappointed I grew.

When Eva was around two I had come to the conclusion that maybe God intended us to be a family of three.  I started parting with the baby things I had been saving and I had peace.  When Eva was almost three we found out we were expecting.

This pregnancy was different. My morning sickness faded after a few weeks and I started to feel great.  My doctor wanted to see me sooner than normal because of my history.  At my first appointment he ordered an ultrasound to make sure everything was going well.  I was so excited to have an early ultrasound that I didn't think that anything would not be perfect.

I remember the ultrasound technician asking a lot of questions and wanting to know if I was sure about my dates.  She was very kind and thorough.  She was having trouble finding the heartbeat.  But she assured me over and over that it could be because I was so early and maybe my dates were wrong.  I had little hope that she was right.  She made a phone call to my doctor and he said he wanted to see me right away.

He confirmed my worst nightmare.  He said that I had been feeling so good because my body had stopped producing the hormones needed during pregnancy.  He said the baby was not living and that we were going to have a miscarriage.  A few days later, maybe a week, we lost the baby and my heart shattered.

We named the baby Kason Bliss meaning "pure" and  "joy".  We held a small service at our house and planted a tree that would flower in the spring outside our living room window. I feel into deep grief.  The pain was excruciating and then I was numb.  And then as my would be "due date" approached I was consumed in heartache all over again.

Two weeks after the date had passed I sat in the doctors office as she explained that we were going to try a new asthma medication and oh by the way, I was pregnant.  I was scared and nervous and excited.  But I was miserably sick for which I was thankful.

I was just as in awe of Lorelei when she was born.  Though things were not any easier when I brought her home.  Lorelei cried a lot and slept very little.  Eva was jealous and regressed and had frequent outbursts.  I quickly found myself battling the same postpartum depression demons.

A really great friend of mine told me "Look, you can be mad at me and yell and cry but I'm going to tell you you are not okay. But you will be.  You need the drugs." So back to the doctor I went for the antidepressants I really didn't like.

When Lorelei was six months old I felt like I was figuring out how to survive the day.  We were hitting our groove and then just like that I was crying over another positive pregnancy test. See, my sweet Amelia was not in my plan, not then anyway. (And she's got a story that's all her own.)

Now that I'm far enough out of that blurry, dark time I can see that God's plan and my plan are not always going to line up.  I can also see how God's plan trumps my plan every time. I can even see how God's got a sense of humor.  I got my two babies close in age, fourteen months and 1 day to be exact.

What I don't see is how God is going to use my struggles with depression and anxiety or my experiences with grief and loss.  But I have faith that my suffering was not in vain whether I see how He uses it or not.

If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. 

He does our praying in and for us,making prayer out of wordless sighs, our aching groans. 

He knows us far better than we know ourselves and keeps us present before God. 

That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God 

is worked into something good. Romans 8:28

If you are someone who is suffering from depression or you know someone who is, please reach out and talk to someone.  Know that you are not alone and that there is help out there.  Here is a great site with resources to help you: HELPGUIDE.ORG. You can also call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK or the National Hopeline Network at 1-800-SUICIDE 24 hours a day.  

Desperation breeds defeat...

I have told many about the secret to my weight loss was the Made to Crave bible study by Lysa TerKeurst. It set the stage for my success...but there are still choices, hard ones, I have to make every day.  I'm leading another group of women through the study right now and this is my third time through the study; it doesn't get old.  It's packed with so much wisdom, based on scripture...it's amazing. You should read it. I'm sure I will lead another group and you should join us.  Okay, promo done.

This weeks chapters talked about how desperation breeds defeat.  Oh, how I found this to be true Saturday morning.  I went to a women's event at our church.  I knew there would be many delicious and enticing treats awaiting me there.  I also knew that a) I am now a walking billboard for Made to Crave and should be an example and b) because I plan my meals now I knew I would be going out on a date with my husband that evening and would rather spend my calories there.  So I ate a sensible breakfast before I went and choose the clementine slices, passed over the amazing looking cinnamon rolls and picked a bite size muffin.  I sipped my coffee and enjoyed the fellowship and the speaker. I wasn't longing to go back for the cinnamon roll or anything else. I was completely satisfied. That's progress for me, my friend!

After the event was over I dashed off to do the grocery shopping.  It was lunch time and I had an extensive list but I didn't want to waste a minute of my anniversary date with my husband grocery shopping.  As I set off down the aisles of Wal-Mart my stomach started to growl. Everything began to look so appealing. I started to sweat a little. I even got a little shaky.  I realized I had probably drank more coffee than I should of and I probably needed to eat.  I was beginning to feel desperate.

It started with "I can grab a banana or apple and eat it on the way home." and progressed to "I could grab a doughnut or a candy bar and eat it on the way home and no one would know." (Old habits die hard.) I knew I was in trouble and so I started to pray my way through the store. I started repeating my power verses. I got out of the middle of the store and got back to shopping the perimeter.  I finished quickly and went through the check out with Holy Spirit empowered determination to not give in to my impulse to grab one of  the delicious snacks conveniently displayed right there. I packed all the groceries in the back of my van and gave a sigh of relief.  When I got home I choose an apple and followed my menu plan for the day.  But I can say desperation breeds defeat, it really does.

This morning I read in our chapters for the week: "How do you grow close to God?"..."By making the choice to deny ourselves something that is permissible but not beneficial. And making this intentional sacrifice for the sole purpose of growing closer to God. After all, Jesus Himself said, 'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me' [Luke 9:23]."

That doughnut or candy bar would have been permissible to me but it had no benefit to me whatsoever. Honestly the sugar would have made me feel worse and it would been followed by guilt and shame. Denying ourselves something  is hard. But Jesus asks us to do it and do it daily.

Desperation may breed defeat but it doesn't have to end that way. We just need the tools and some Holy Spirit empowered determination to avoid and remove us from desperate situations. We need to make the daily choice to deny ourselves and take up our cross, each and every day my friend.

Here are a few of my power verses that may help you in a desperate situation:

Everything is permissible for me - 

but not everything is beneficial.

I will not be mastered by anything.

1 Corinthians 6:12

For God did not give you a spirit of fear.

But one of power, and love and self-control.

2 Timothy 1:7

So I say, walk by the Spirit,

and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.

Galatians 5:16

Unconditional Love...

When I was a new Christian there was a concept I just couldn't wrap my head around: unconditional love. I couldn't figure out how God could love me without any stipulations or requirements. That He could love me so much in spite of my past or how far I'd fallen because I certainly didn't deserve it.  I could accept everything the Bible said to be true but I couldn't understand that one.  God set out to show me exactly what that looked like.

It started on New Year's day back in 2005.  A new friend of mine from church invited me to a party.  I showed up feeling nervous, awkward and out of place.  This was unlike a party I had been to in a while. There was no beer or loud music. There were board games and soda and lots of laughing. I met my husband Dana that night, we were at his parents house. I remember thinking he was a very gracious host but was oblivious to what I was told later was his shameless flirting.  I also thought he was taken.

I was in the process of a divorce at the time.  I was wallowing in the feelings of my brokenness.  I was devouring God's word and trying to understand how He could love me....how anyone could love me.

A week or two later some friends from that party were headed on a road trip.  It was an 8 hour drive, pack up a dorm room and turn around and come home type trip.  Either we weren't paying attention to the weather or the ice storm came out of no where but the four of us ended up spending a solid 48 hours together.

I realized then that Dana had an interest in me and that he was in fact not taken. It was exciting and scary and confusing. I also realized that I wanted to be around him, all the time.

And from those 48 hours on we didn't spend much time apart and when we were apart, we were on the phone for hours at a time.  I told him everything, every horrible sin from my past and he just loved me.  He loved me right where I was, no questions asked, no judgments, all my baggage included.  He shared how he been watching me (not in a creepy way) for a while, waiting on God's timing for our paths to cross. He had been praying for me...preparing his heart for me.

About a year after we met we were married. Yesterday we celebrated eight years of marriage and his love for me has never wavered. It's always been wholehearted and unrestricted. I'm not going to lie, we are living the fairy-tale like in the sappy movies and mushy books.  But unlike books and movies it's not always easy and sometimes it's just plain work and there in lies the difference between God's love for me and Dana's love for me.

It's not hard and it's not work for God to love me. It's a gift, freely given. The Bible is full of displays of God's love for us. A great one is Psalm 136. It's still hard to comprehend it, but I accept it.

Your thoughts - how rare, how beautiful! 

God, I'll never comprehend them!

I couldn't even begin to count them - 

any more than I could count the sand of the sea.

Oh, let me rise in the morning and live always with you!

Psalm 139:17-18

I thank God every day for Dana.  For creating him just for me.  For placing him in my life at exactly the right time. For showing me what unconditional love looks like.

Yesterday, Dana and I were reminiscing about our dating days and our wedding day as I imagine most people do on their anniversary.  I asked him what it was about me that peaked his interest all those years ago.  His reply shocked me. He shrugged said "You were cute." I did the startled, unbelieving "What?!?" because I figured it was charming disposition that drew him in.  Cute, is not one of the words I would describe myself with. 

I got flowers yesterday, the card read "I love you. You're pretty cute." 

The Stealing of Innocence (Part 2)...Beauty for Ashes

This is the part where the healing begins.  Again I'm tag-teaming with my friend Shelly and you can find her story here.

Growing up I went to Sunday school all the time and church sometimes.  I knew all the Bible stories and had memorized verses and was confirmed.  I had all this knowledge but I had no idea what it meant to have Jesus in my heart.

As I went through counseling I did come to a place where I no longer blamed myself for the date rape. That was where I learned that what happened was called rape. I accepted that it was not something I had asked for or deserved.  However, the counseling did little for my shattered self-esteem.

I spent many years feeling worthless and unlovable.  No good to anyone. At one point I had lost my job and my cousin and his wife were in need of a nanny while they finished school and worked.  I was probably in no way qualified for the job but they gave it to me anyway.  They were new Christians and on fire for the Lord.  They invited me to church with them, it may have even been on the pretext of helping with their kids but I went and I loved it.

One particularly bad day I was driving in my car feeling hopeless, lonely, exhausted...I was crying and I pulled over and literally cried out for Jesus to come in to my heart. To fix me. At the time I was naive enough to think there would be some miraculous healing, but there wasn't.  I continued to go to church and was so excited because the Bible seemed brand new to me; personal and not just a bunch of stories I had learned in Sunday school.

I landed my dream job working in the marketing department at a small record label.  Life was turning around.  I was starting to feel, dare I say, happy again.  A friend of mine from college called and asked me to come and watch him graduate from Navy boot camp.  I went and that weekend he proposed to me.

I said yes.  My broken self told me this was my chance. I was sure no one would ever love me or ask me to marry them again. I put all my doubts and reservations about the fact that we had never dated before, we had only ever been friends in the back of my head.  My family tried to ask these questions but I just lashed out at them; didn't they want me to be happy?

Two months later I was married and moving half way across the country.  I found myself living as a roommate to my husband. We fought and we manipulated each other. It was awful. Less than a year later I left him and moved back home.

I had hit an all new low. Feeling worthless again. Unlovable. Unwanted. I cried out to God to "Fix me!!" I started going back to the church I left.  I realized in the time I had been gone I hadn't even cracked my Bible let alone go to church.

I met a woman at church who took my under her wing.  In her kitchen one day she told me about her first marriage and her story was eerily the same as mine. However she was now happily married (for years) and had four children. She said she never understood why she had to go through that but could see how God was using it now to mentor me.

She told me about God's unconditional love for me. About how He made me perfect and in His image.  And showed me what it looked like to have God leading your life.  This is when I finally surrendered my whole heart to the Lord. I knew I wanted Him in control because I just couldn't do it on my own.

This is is when the real healing began.  I could feel God molding my heart.  He softened it by shedding some of bitterness and hate I was still clinging to and filling in the spaces with moments of joy and love.  He was beginning a new and incredible thing in me.

The healing wasn't instantaneous and in ways is still happening. But when I turned over my undesirable past to God it was like He let it go and the breeze carried it away.  It no longer pinned me down or defined who I was.  I was no longer a rape victim or a divorcee, I was a child of God. I was loved and worthy and wanted.  I was forgiven and set free from my past.  I was made new and chosen to be His. And that was an amazing feeling.

Even before He made the world,

God loved us and chose us in Christ

to be holy and without fault in His eyes.

God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family

by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ.

This is what he wanted to do,

and it gave him great pleasure.

So praise God for the glorious grace he has poured

out on us who belong to his dear Son.

Ephesians 1:4-6