We do loud really well...

Have you seen one of these signs? Chances are you have, they seem to be everywhere.  I've always wanted one for my house but still haven't found the "perfect" one (and DIY scares me, what if I spend all that time on it and hate it?).

I especially like the "we do loud really well" because at my house we do.  We've got three girls under the age of 7 and sometimes I'm pretty sure ear plugs should be required before entering our home.  I've come to love 8:15 pm. It's about the time that quiet happens.

My husband and I experienced real quiet when our youngest spent some time in the NICU after she was born.  The room she was in had four babies, one or two nurses and various family members huddled around their babies layette.  Each room was equipped with a sign that read volume and when things got a little louder than the constant beeping of the various machines it would flash angrily at you demanding quiet. I remember spending the day enveloped in the quiet there and then coming home and being shocked at how loud we could be. That sign would be going off like a strobe light around here.

I've come to crave the quiet. So much so that I started getting up an hour or two before my girls just to enjoy the quiet.  I went to school one day with my husband and he was almost giddy to show me the library.  Not only because I LOVE books; reading them and smelling them and I kind of think it would be super fun to be a librarian...but because the library on campus has "quiet zones" where it's so quiet you can hear yourself breath.  He said the look on my face was priceless and I'm sure it was...the library is a wonderful place.

I also love the quiet because when I can tune out the noise of the world then I can hear God whispering to me.  Whispering His promises for me or how He wants me to pray; pointing out traps and blessings in my path. Reminding me of His plan for me.

I'm a planner.  I like to know how things are going to go today, tomorrow and six months from now.  Right now my husband and I are in a situation of unknowns on what the future will bring.  It makes me anxious and frustrated.  Today God reminded me to not get so caught up in making plans and filling our calendar that I miss out on the blessings of His plan.  He told me He has plans for me today. He asked me to let go of unrealistic expectations (like knowing what the future holds) and to savor some happy moments today. And for the future He told me that I should check in with Him before making my own plans because our plans might line up or He might have something better.

Last night we had a guest for supper.  There was talking and singing and giggling and our youngest putting her hands over her ears and yelling "It's too loud!".  After our guest left I told my husband that I was worried we'd scared her off with our crazy loud behavior.  My husband reminded me that while our home may be loud, we have a home filled with grace and joy and love and those things are louder than the noise.

Lead me so we can lead them...

My husband's employer asked him to develop a "Leadership Plan" for his job.  He asked me to sit down with him over the weekend and do a self assessment. We looked up all kinds of qualities and attributes of great leaders and asked input from our friends and family and then sat down and evaluated each one and put them into "Strengths" or "Weakness" columns. Then he came up with ways to improve his "weaknesses" and wrote a set of personal and work related goals.

I have to just say how proud of him I am for doing this because it's not a task for the faint hearted.  Not too many of us would sit down and really contemplate "Am I really fair?" "Do others think of me as trustworthy?" and "How do I lead by example and motivate people without jeopardizing my integrity?" Nor could I say any of us would be too eager to put our weak places on paper and then present them to the person who signs your paycheck.Yet, even though this is a hard thing, I think we could all benefit from a little self assessment every once in a while.

This morning I was praying over my husband and his presentation today, his job and his schooling...our future. I opened up my devotional and today's key verse came from Matthew 16:24.  This wasn't a new verse to me, but one I've been clinging to my for the last year as I've been praying for God to lead me.

Then Jesus said to his disciples, "Whoever wants to be my disciple

must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me."

Matthew 16:24 (NIV)

"Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead.

You're not in the driver's seat; I am.

Don't run from suffering, embrace it.

Follow me and I'll show you how.

Self-help is no help at all.

Self-sacrifice is the way, my way,

to finding yourself, your true self."

Matthew 16:24 (MSG)

Later I opened my email and was met with Matthew 16:24.  And so I thought maybe God is trying to tell me something...maybe in these few lines lies the key to being led and to leading.

Denying myself...rejecting momentary satisfaction. Choosing to do what God has called me to do regardless of whether it's what I want to do or how difficult it may be.  

Taking up my cross...stop pointing fingers at others and blaming my circumstances and wishing it would all change.  Admitting my sin as sin and becoming disgusted enough with it to want to change. 

Follow Him...really follow Him and who He is and how He is.  The ultimate leader. The one who leads by example and whose actions are worthy of imitation. 

Coming Unglued...

My husband went back to school a few months ago along with continuing to work full time. Now I won't lie, as proud of him as I am these have been some trying months. (He agrees with me, so it's okay to share.) I've been trying to keep his schedule with him, because we are a team but the lack of sleep is wearing us both down.  Our girls are starting to act out too.  I think they are tired of hearing "Daddy is already gone to work." "Daddy's at school." "We need to be quiet and leave Daddy alone so he can study."

There's been little chance for "fun", there just isn't time. Date nights started to consist of grocery shopping or scrubbing the floor on hands and knees (but at least we did it together). We find ourselves apologizing often for being short and irritable with each other.  Patience and grace are in short supply.

Then an opportunity presented itself.  Potentially life altering. Potentially exciting and maybe a little scary.  So we prayed. We prayed for a clear path. We prayed for open and shut doors. We prayed for wisdom. We prayed for answers.

But what we got wasn't really an answer. It was an impasse. It was a stalemate.  No clear direction. No open or shut door.  And an incredible feeling of disappointment.

Because God is God and his timing is perfect, it was no coincidence that God would reveal himself to me as I sat down with my Unglued devotional this morning.  I was reading step number five in how to deal with a situation that has the potential to make you come unglued.  And if I'm honest I need every one of these steps right now.

Step one. Inquire of the Lord. Ask Him to help me remember who I am. His. Loved. Accepted. Wanted.  I know that He has a plan for us and even though I have no idea what it is right now, I know it's to prosper us and not harm us.  I know it's to give us a hope and a future. Lord, help us remember who You made us to be.

Step two.  Focus on the Lord.  One very hard day I texted a friend. It went something like this "My kids are crazy and my husband came home sick and I want to scream." She told me to tell Jesus "Jesus, it's just you and me tonight. I may not have it in me but You have enough for both of us."  I said that over and over and over that night until all was quiet in the house. Lord, help us remember it's just us and You and You are enough for all of us.

Step three. Be obedient to God's word. Our job is obedience. God's job is results. I can't do it on my own. I was never meant too.  Lord, help us to cease striving and to remain in Your will. Help us to wait patiently while you produce results. And Lord, remind us that even when we are faithless, You are always faithful.

Step four. Practice gratitude.  Lord, help me to stop looking at everything that is wrong and at everything I think I want and I can't have. Lord, I want to praise you for all that is right! Help me to have a thankful heart each and every day.

Step five. My reactions determine my reach.  After our youngest was born early and rushed away to a NICU an hour away I sat alone in the maternity ward, with no baby, wondering what I did wrong. How could I have prevented this? My doctor came in and gave me this little nugget of wisdom I'll never forget.  She told me she didn't know why Mia had come early and it was certainly nothing I did or didn't do. And maybe there wasn't some lesson or message to learn from it, but maybe it was the way we handled the situation that would affect someone else and God would use it to touch their life. Lord, remind me of the influence I have on others.  I may not be leading a kingdom or in a position of authority but we do make an impact on those we come in contact with every day.

Maybe you are at an impasse in your life or facing a tough time.  I pray that I can encourage you that you are not alone.  We're there too.  But more importantly, so is Jesus and He's got this!